My mom loves to tell this story of me when I was around 8 years old on my bike. She says that I was trying to climb this hill way above my skill level and when she asked if I wanted a push, I said, “no mom, I like the challenge.” Now I’m not sure if she tweaked parts of this story to use as bragging material with her friends, but this idea of pushing myself is something that has been ingrained in my brain for as long as I can remember. I have always been full of self motivation and have loved the grit and determination that life demands of me. I think this is one of the reasons I fell in love with soccer at such a young age. It was an outlet for this fire inside of me that was constantly seeking a trial to overcome. I loved working hard to gain playing time or to make the team I was pining for. When I didn’t achieve what I wanted, it fueled my fire even more. In addition, this side of myself helped me in school, especially since academics have never come easy to me. Whenever I received a bad grade, which was more often than not, I would put my head down and work harder. Sometimes this resulted in a better grade, and sometimes it did not, but I saw no other option than to rigidly push myself when things did not go my way.
This strategy of mine worked pretty well all the way through senior year of high school, but as soon as I started college this mindset was shattered. In every aspect of college, I have given it my all. I have been to multiple club interest meetings, met lots of new people in my classes, tried out for club soccer, and even participated in sorority recruitment. Nevertheless, I end pretty much every day feeling lonely and defeated. Putting in this amount of social and academic effort on a daily basis is exhausting for my introverted self. Nevertheless, I have continued to push myself and keep going. I have refused to let myself go home for the weekend, visit my hometown friends, or rest in my dorm during the day in fear of missing out on opportunities to find my people here at my new place.
Amidst this constant self-induced pressure, I grabbed lunch with a very wise new friend of mine. As I was talking to her about the mixture of rejection, strained hope and sadness I was feeling, she calmly said, “Polly, you are so hard on yourself!”. That one comment stopped me in my tracks. I realized that my mentality of constant hard work was too much for me right now. This transition is a time for grace. To be my best self in this new place, I need to give myself the leniency to take a nap, see a familiar face or opt out of an activity. It is crucial that I schedule time for myself to recharge. I need to let myself sit in the loneliness that I am experiencing and be alright with it and realize that everything I am feeling is normal and okay! The determined 8-year-old inside of me will get her chance to prevail, but my transition to college is just not the right time for her to take the wheel. High school and college are two very different ball games that require very different strategies, and it is totally okay to change the way you have always dealt with hardship as you enter a new season of life such as this. There is no shame in choosing what’s best for yourself, even if it looks different from the choices of those around you.