Grief hits us all a little differently, and it can come from any direction or event.
Recently I had to put down my cat Pixel. She has been with me for my entire adult life and it was a serious blow. But these five things have helped me through, and perhaps they can for you too.
Music
I’ve heard people say that you should listen to the kind of music you want your mood to reflect. So naturally, I should be listening to happy music to help me stop being sad, right? Wrong. Happy music during such a distressing time hasn’t helped a bit, but sad music makes me feel seen and understood; a reminder that I am not alone in my grief. My favorites so far include Run Away To Mars by TALK, One Day by Tate McRae, Jungle by Emma Louise, Home by Edith Whiskers, My Tears Ricochet by the iconic Taylor Swift, Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey and If You Ever Forget That You Love Me by Isak Danielson. I also often listen to All That and More by Rainbow Kitten Surprise, because that was her song.
Talking About It
I have experience with this; my mother is a therapist. But I know it can be hard for some people to talk about something that makes them feel so vulnerable. I gave myself a couple of days in which I only talked to my closest friend, who had been through the same event. She helped me feel understood, gave me good advice and most importantly, was just there for me. She soothed me as I cried, reminded me of all the good things I got to do with Pixel, and let me talk for hours about how much I missed my baby. After that, I felt safe enough to open up to other friends and family members once my grief wasn’t as constant and I could get words past the lump in my throat. And with every person I talk to, it gets just the tiniest bit easier to think about.
Looking at Pictures
This causes a huge swell of emotions sometimes, and it may not be something you are ready for at first. I couldn’t look at her for even a moment that first weekend after Pixel passed. I just sat in bed and held the little tin box with her fur shavings. But my friend who had her dog, Romeo, pass the year prior, told me that in order to get herself out of bed, she created a book of pictures for her little man. She printed out hundreds of pictures and placed them into a book with little descriptions under the pictures talking about that day, or the memory associated with the photo. I have started organizing my photos online into a little folder, which I titled “My love.” They automatically organize themselves by date and being able to look back through the last seven years of her life has been really amazing. I got to see her grow up and change from the four year old who wouldn’t come out from under my bed, into a beautiful soul who stopped fearing the world and started living a happier life. Even those taken at the end when her legs stopped working and she looked so very old and tired meant something. They were a piece of her that I don’t want to forget even though it hurts. If you don’t have that many photos, it’s okay. My friend only had her Romeo for a year before he passed, but she took those few photos and made them worth so much. If there aren’t any photos available right now, then writing down memories is a great substitute. Both can give you time to remember and be thankful for what you did have.
Planning Memorial Moments
Memorials are, in my opinion, very important. I asked my parents to tell me moments they remembered about my Pixel, and wrote them in a journal. I found a painter to create a realistic portrait of her from my favorite picture. This might not be so simple for everyone. Not all grief comes from a physical loss. I was luckily able to preserve some of Pixel’s fur, some ink paw prints and even a mold of her paw. But sometimes grief comes from the loss of a future or idea, or even the loss of your childhood self as you grow into an adult. It can hurt to think about this too much, but completely closing yourself off from it isn’t healthy either. When you’re ready, I encourage you to do something to celebrate the thing that you lost, whatever that looks like for you. You could do something to release those memories like burning pictures (safely, I hope), having a gathering with very close friends, or even getting a cake and just having a moment with yourself. There’s no right way or wrong way to do this; it’s all about what helps you.
Therapy and Professional Help
My final recommendation is to see a therapist. Therapists get all kinds of bad heat, and believe me, I know why. But having someone with which you can share every piece of your grief is priceless. Someone trained to help you through, to show you how to regain yourself after a life altering moment. Even just a couple sessions may make the difference you need to move forward again. Therapists are hard to find these days, so if you need to call more than a couple, it’s okay to only do a few a day. Calling 20 people in one afternoon can wipe you out and that’s the last thing you want right now. You don’t need to do everything all at once; give yourself time.
These are what have helped me, but I want to make it clear that none of these things will completely remove the grief from your life. I will miss my Pixel for the rest of my life. Nothing can change what she meant to me. But I can take care of myself by doing things that allow me to continue my life and move forward with this grief.
I hope that if you are going through something right now, you know how important you are, and that you should leave room to take care of yourself however you need to.
Links to the songs on youtube.
Run away to Mars:TALK – Run Away to Mars (Official Video)
One Day:One Day
Home:Edith Whiskers – Home (Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros cover – Official Audio)
My Tears Ricochet:Taylor Swift – my tears ricochet (Official Lyric Video)
Summertime Sadness:Lana Del Rey – Summertime Sadness (Official Music Video)
If You Ever Forget That You Love Me:Isak Danielson – If You Ever Forget That You Love Me (Official Video)
All That And More:All That and More (Sailboat)