If you remember the 2020 hit I Was Busy Thinking About Boys by Charli XCX, you’ll remember these lyrics:
“I need that bad boy to do me right on a Friday
And I need that good one to wake me up on a Sunday
That one from work can come over on Monday night”
I’m sure we’ve all encountered boys or men with red flags, and they all seem to be just of that one type or kind. Here’s a list of the tropes my friends and I have encountered in our mild, at best, dating escapades, as a vent about the terrible men we’ve met. To the men reading this: don’t be too offended! It’s all in good fun, and in any case, if you are, perhaps you belong to one of these groups…(I jest).
- Fuck boy
There he is: everyone’s favourite emotionally unavailable ex. He can be spotted from miles away wagging his arbitrary privilege (usually his looks) in your face, but you couldn’t recognise it even when your friends explicitly pointed out the red flags for you, including the fact that his chief mode of communication is Snapchat. That said, I get it. It’s so hard to hate him when it’s so easy to get charmed by the scant attention he showers on you on a whim. And what happens when you treat him the way he treats you, you might ask. It’s a toxic game of showing who cares less about the other, an ego battle of who texts first.
Primary advice here: Watch out! Don’t fall for the charms and tricks because it would just be a slippery slope for you.
- Soft Boy
You probably found him on Bumble and while it looks like he has a high emotional intelligence, it’s not so. While talking to him, you’re surely going to be smacked in the face by occasional gaslighting, casual romanticisation of mental health issues and the unassuming patronising comment or two. He’s also told you that you’re not like other girls/guys. He’ll give you the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend experience but won’t commit. And while it’s totally okay to be into polyamory, he wears the casual dating game as a badge of honour, one that sits right beside the brooch that reads ‘Fake Feminist’. And once you reject the possibility of a romantic relationship with him, he stops being friends, showing you what the devil on your shoulder (or a loyal friend) told you long ago, his “friendship” was conditional.
The only feasible way to guard against a soft boy is to look out for the subtle differences between a patronising man, and a genuinely good one.
- Pick Me Boy
I’ll admit; he shares a lot in common with the soft boy but one defining characteristic differs the two. The Pick Me Boydoesn’t call himself a feminist, because on his hot take that it undermines the essence of ‘gender equality’. He probably thinks he deserves the world for doing the bare minimum. While the rejection of traditional masculinity is admirable, the victim complex he carries along overpowers it. He’ll find ten different ways to tell you that you’re too good for him, and yes, he’ll do it even if you don’t ask.
- Bro’s Bro
He pretends to be a sensitive guy when you’re alone, but won’t correct his male friends (“bros”) when they say misogynistic trash. You can almost hear him say, “Look there’s a deep side to me and only you know it so you’re special. Also, don’t tell anyone that we talk. Also, you’re special *insert puppy eyes emoji*.” He reeks of commitment issues when he treats you like his little secret, not wanting to show his male friends that you hangout alone or actually have a conversation once in a while.
While this categorization was made to mostly mock those who have hurt us, it’s important to recognise that these men are the products of how they were raised, how society simply tolerates their problematic behaviour, and how their role in relationships, mostly heternormative ones, has traditionally been defined. These behaviours harm not only the people these boys date (or not), but also hinder them from becoming emotionally developed whole human beings. Empathising with their social context helps to prevent harmful assumptions and stereotypes that perpetuate these problematic values more. While empathy is necessary, the act of teaching and guiding them to grow is not your obligation. It is better to not see them as ‘little projects’ to save, especially not when you will most likely be hurt in the process.