Platonic relations? Is it possible?
We’re no strangers to internet dating even if it’s strangers that we meet online. That being said, we are of course no strangers to how internet dating works. We are also familiar with the gendered stereotype that has plagued online dating; that men and women cannot develop a platonic relationship seperate of romantic or sexual expectations.
Obviously, this stereotype isn’t inherently true. In fact, it generates unrealistic expectations; that blind dates or online dating has to result in some form of romantic or sexual development. These unhealthy expectations only serves to reinforce a culture of entitlement; that women have to bear a burden of reciprocating a romantic or sexual advance that they might not necessarily be interested in. So when I heard that HerCampus was organising squish, a blind friendship date, I decided to take the plunge, setting up to prove that, it is in fact, possible to go on a platonic date with someone of the opposite gender.
How it went
The event got off with a relatively slow start. We were welcomed by the emcee and were briefed on some house rules and regulations. With the current climate of COVID, our friendship date was, of course, held online and I was paired with my date, Nicole. We got off to a lukewarm start of course, as all blind dates and first dates go. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous, but I gradually realised that I had to get over myself; it’s only awkward as we make it out to be don’t we? It helped that we had topics in common with each other as we both majored in the same degree. Our chat really got going when Nicole spotted the bag that I was carrying. It turns out that we both have a fervent interest in all things fashion. We proceeded to talk about our shared interests in fashion, discussing our favourite labels, with whatever time we have remaining. As we eased into conversation, the awkwardness naturally dispelled and we did have a pleasant time getting to know each other. At no point did our conversation veer into topics of romance or anything else, nor was there a need to, as we had a blast talking about things we were passionate about. At the end, we both agreed that we had a pleasant time.
What I realised
Something that I came to realise, as I was talking to Nicole, is that the process of dating does not necessarily need to be categorised as platonic or romantic or sexual. What I did realise however, that any relationships we form with anyone has to be of a platonic foundation before we can develop other dimensions within the relationship with the other person.
I’m sure we have heard the saying before that “it’s important to be friends before becoming lovers. That it’s important to know each other as friends first before romantic partners” but what does it actually mean?
It’s important to approach someone platonically, especially when it comes to someone of your opposite gender simply because to approach each relationship platonically is to respect the person as someone that has their own agency and choice. Otherwise, to approach a relationship carrying the expectations that the other person could be a potential romantic interest is unfair for the other person does not get a chance to choose if they wish to be seen that way. Relationships are built on trust and consent, and that is equally important when it comes to any form of relationship that may develop from a platonic one. To approach anyone first as a friend is the most basic form of respect that we can show to our dates, and is definitely crucial to any relationships that might develop from there. It’s important to normalise forming new social relationships unburdened by romantic or sexual expectations in the age of COVID. These relationships then can be meaningful rather than the superficial surface contact we have with others in this age of internet dating where we lose our attention easily.
Overall, I had a pleasant time talking to Nicole. We definitely could have gone on talking for longer if not for the time limit imposed by the organisers. Entirely platonic the whole time, and there wasn’t a need for me to change the dynamic of the conversation otherwise.
So this is a PSA to all the men out there, it is possible to have a platonic relationship with women and in fact, it is necessary. What’s most important is to approach others with the perspective of gaining a new experience, instead of gaining a potential date or romantic partner. You will find that the time spent with the other party will be more enriching as compared to having to worry if your date finds you attractive.