Whether it’s with our relationship partners, friends with benefits, or even our flings, most of us would have had a terrible sexual experience, where the sex was either bad, awkward, or not pleasurable. It’s the kind of experience that we wish we could will out of existence.
For many women out there, a sexual encounter gone wrong or bad sex is enough to bring about feelings of discomfort and dissatisfaction that makes them wonder why they even bother getting into bed with the dude in the first place. For most of us men, however, the notion that “the sex was bad” or the question “how was the sex for you?” is mostly an afterthought. We are cavalier towards our partners, seemingly only to center the experience around ourselves, only considering our own satisfaction, our own pleasure.
Why is there such a huge divergence in the attitudes towards sex between the two genders?
Well, to interrogate that, we must first recognize that our sexual culture is located in heterosexual-patriarchal narratives. What that means is that there are very different “standards” and “expectations” of what it means to be a good sexual partner for men and women in heterosexual relationships.
The markers of what it means to be a “good sexual partner” for men are usually reduced to our physical attributes. We are taught that for sex to be pleasurable, we must attain a bodybuilder’s body, we must be well-endowed, we must have the stamina to “last” in bed, that these are the qualities that will make sex pleasurable for women. Similarly, in this same culture, women are also subjected to the same physical standards – how slender, attractive, or voluptuous she is. However, we as men also judge women by how well they can pleasure us, or how intense they can bring us to orgasm. Yet, we never seem to hold ourselves, or allow ourselves to be held to the same standard.
These qualities are a patriarchal idealization and fantasy of what the “perfect man and woman” is, and not necessarily an accurate representation of what makes sex pleasurable or the qualities that define a good sexual partner. But because of the culture we live in, it has been internalized that Men’s pleasure is a given – that men’s orgasm/ejaculation is an expectation placed upon women to fulfil – whereas Women’s pleasure is conditional – this myth that women’s orgasm is not easily achieved, and hence, unnecessary. In the process, women’s pleasure is neglected, as women are often not given the opportunity and space to freely express and engage in their desires and needs as compared to us men.At best, these ideas are misleading and describe inaccurately how sexual pleasure should be derived for men and women. At their worst, these ideas are unhealthy as they perpetuate harmful gender stereotypes in sexual relations, that sex can only be pleasurable for women if it is pleasurable for men. Because of these internalizations, we approach and consider sex only from our point of view, and never from that of our partners. We do what we think is best and pleasurable for our partners, while never fully understanding what actually is pleasurable for them.
What does it mean for us men to be “better” sexual partners, and build a healthy sexual relationship?
It’s actually pretty simple, a healthy sexual relationship is one where the pleasure of both partners is prioritized by both parties, and not neglected. It’s one where there is a space where all of us can safely express our sexuality and freely pursue our sexual desires without inhibitions or fears. As men, being good sexual partners is about practicing the responsibility of providing our female partners with a safe space in which they can claim their right to equal pleasure in their sexual relationship.
How do we go about doing that?
Be it casual sex, or sex with our committed partners, engaging in sex is, at its core, similar to having a relationship. And just like any other relationship, there are ways to maintain it in a healthy way with our partners. To that end, there are 4 methods or 4Cs which I believe will enable us, men, to become better sexual partners.
- Communication
It sounds and feels like a cliché by now, but communication is truly essential in all forms of relationships, including sexual relations. When it comes to communication, it is instinctive to shift our focus onto “sending our message” and neglect the aspect of “receiving their message”. We are so caught up in being heard, that we forget to listen to our partners. Communication has to go both ways, that it is equally important to listen to the desires of our partners as important as it is to express ours.
As men, it is important that we listen to what our partners are communicating to us, instead of simply hearing them. Hearing is simple, as it only requires us to hear what is being said. Listening, however, requires thoughtful reflection and consideration. It isn’t up to us men, or anyone for that matter, to decide what is pleasurable for our female partners. It is on us to listen to what our partners are communicating to us when they are teaching us what is pleasurable for them.
You’ll be surprised at how many women out there who don’t have their sexual desires and needs, heard, or met by their partners. Listen to women, pay attention to what they are telling us. Be interested in listening to your partner. For a change, find out what they like and what they don’t. Find out what works for them, and what doesn’t. Make the request for them to show you or teach you how they want something to be done. Understand their boundaries, find out what they are comfortable with, what they are not. Get to understand what scenarios or actions might possibly be traumatic triggers and learn how to avoid doing so. Doing all these will create not only a safe space for your partners to express their desires, but also a chance for you to learn what is pleasurable for your partner.
The importance of learning to listen to our partners goes beyond understanding the technicalities of “how can we make it pleasurable for you”. It is also about showing our partners that we are willing to develop a pleasure-centric relationship for them. It is about allowing our partners to feel heard, to feel seen, and to feel like they have a voice and equal say in the sexual relationship. Beyond technique and skills, that is what is actually makes sex pleasurable.
2. Connection
Besides communication, there needs to be a connection between you and your partner. No matter how skillful you are, or how aware of your partner’s likes and dislikes, sex is not going to be pleasurable for you or your partner unless you build a connection with your partner. However, that is not to say that there needs to be a form of an emotional attachment if both of you are simply engaging in casual sex.
It is important to distinguish between emotional connection and emotional attachments. The latter usually premises upon romantic bonds, whereas emotional connection is about developing a shared sense of intimacy. It is about treating your partner with respect, and not simply as an object of sexual pleasure, who has her own feelings and emotions. It is also about treating her as an equal, allowing her to feel like an equal, and as someone that is worth your time and effort just as you would do with your friends.
Sex is, and always will be a form of intimacy. And to create a meaningful and purposeful connection, will always on some level, require us to be vulnerable and it is up to us to ensure that we treat this shared intimacy with respect and care.
3. Confidence
Media portrayals of men have really skewed our image and perception of what it means to be sexually attractive. Images of ripped washboard abs and bulging muscles are not realistic. More importantly, you don’t need to be well-endowed, or be a huge-jacked man (pun intended) in order to be sexually attractive.
Here are some tips on how to be confident and comfortable with the body you are in.
- Change your focus
- Instead of fixating on how you look during sex, focus on how you feel during sex. Sex should be a pleasurable activity, not a vanity contest. Over fixation on your insecurities will only ruin the mood for you and your partner.
- Don’t get caught up in comparisons
- Don’t obsess over unrealistic images and expectations. Celebrate your body and focus on your positives, instead of what you perceive to be lacking. Affirm your body and understand that there is more to sex than just physical attributes.
- Don’t conflate self-worth with physical appearance.
- Toxic masculinity dictates that our “worth” as individuals corresponds with our level of perceived attractiveness and that is simply not true. Once you understand that your self-worth is distinct from your physical self, you will learn to be more confident.
Being confident is ultimately about having a secure sense of self. To that end, it requires you to know what you want, know what your partner wants, and know what to do during sex (of course, if you don’t know, ask!)
Confidence is a huge turn-on not only for women, but for everyone. Very often, we project our own bodily insecurities onto sexual relationships, and no one likes that! We all want a partner that is sure of themselves, who doesn’t need to be reassured at every moment. Sex should be about creating pleasure for you and your partner, and not about affirming or validating your self-esteem.
4. Care
Men, we are often guilty of this. We don’t provide enough care to our partners before, during or after sex. We neglect our partner’s state of mind, and make it only about us.
What does care involve? Or actually mean?
Caring for our partners doesn’t simply mean asking “are you ok”, “is this alright”, or “do you feel comfortable”. It involves being sensitive to and having the awareness of not only the physical but also the emotional wellbeing of our partners.
Very often, we get caught up in the intensities and emotions during sex, and the lines between our expectations and reality get more and more blurred as we ascend the peak of our sexual journey. The peak of any sexual encounter is shared intimacy at its most intense, and therefore the point where we are at our most vulnerable. We are naked, we just (hopefully) had an orgasm, and our bodies are saturated with oxytocin and dopamine. It’s important we land gently just as how we avoid binging on too much sugar to avoid a sugar crash. Aftercare is what provides the soft-landing pad for our descent.
For men, what we often do is leave our female partners to their own devices once we’ve reached the peak. We make the descent on our own, leaving our female partners stranded on top, having to make their way down on their own, without providing any form of aftercare. By doing so, we leave our partners at their most vulnerable and make them feel unwanted.
So how do we show aftercare?
- Talk to your partners! Don’t just fall asleep immediately! We are all humans and we definitely wanted to be treated like one, instead of being treated like an object. Talk about the sex, about how you felt, as this is integral for ensuring that you understand your partner’s needs and expectations.
- Cuddle! Being hugged makes us feel protected, and not alone and provides a physical sense of assurance for the descent from the euphoria of sex.
- Be attentive! We are all in a vulnerable state of mind after sex, so it is important to ensure that we aren’t careless with our words or actions that may possibly hurt our partners.
Aftercare is vital in any form of sexual relationship, be it a committed monogamous relationship, or even a casual fling. I have to emphasize that sex can still be casual – even when aftercare is included. After all, it is still a relationship. If you are not ready to give aftercare, you should not be engaging with sex with others. Aftercare is not about forming romantic bonds, but about caring for your partner with respect, making them feel appreciated, allowing them to feel that the sex was meaningful, and leaving the experience in a positive mental state.
These 4Cs are necessary for ensuring a more equitable experience for women and also for sex to be pleasure-based, which should be the aim. All these tips of course are not only applicable to heterosexual relationships, but all forms of relationships as well.