You’re in the middle of an intense discussion about gender inequality, sexual harassment, or catcalling that makes you want to teleport to another planet. Then, like clockwork, someone— let’s call him Chad— decides to chime in with the infamous, “Well, not all men do that.” If you’ve ever felt like this response is about as helpful as the fake pockets you see in women’s jeans, you’re not alone. Let’s dive into why the “Not All Men” defence is kinda dumb and what you can say instead.
The Origins of “Not All Men”
Imagine Chad, sitting at his computer, fingers poised over the keyboard. He sees a post about women’s experiences with harassment. A sense of injustice rises within him. “Not all men!” he types, satisfied that he has made the world a better place with those three words. Unfortunately for Chad, his declaration has the same effect as trying to solve global warming with a single ice cube.
The “Not All Men” phrase probably originated as a way for men to let the world know they’re not part of the problem. It’s a bit like someone walking into a room where people are complaining about loud neighbours and yelling, “Well, I don’t play my music at full blast!” Thanks, Chad. Duly noted. Now, if only you could tell that to my neighbour who thinks 3 a.m. is the perfect time for some ami je tomar.
While the statement “Not all men” may be factually correct, it often misses the point. The phrase shifts the focus away from the issues women face and onto the feelings and reputations of men, which can derail the conversation and prevent meaningful dialogue.
The Impact of Derailing Conversations on Gender-Based Violence
Here’s the thing, Chad (and other Chads of the world): When women talk about gender-based issues, they’re not trying to accuse you personally of being the reason they need a self-defence keychain that doubles as a pocketknife. They’re talking about systemic problems. When “Not All Men” is invoked, it shifts the conversation from the larger issue of gender-based violence to a debate over individual behaviour. This derailing tactic minimises the lived experiences of women and distracts from the critical need to address societal issues. It suggests that because not all men are perpetrators, the problem is less severe, which can lead to inaction. Conversations that should focus on finding solutions to prevent violence and harassment instead become defensive arguments about whether all men are guilty. When you say “Not All Men,” it’s like walking into a horror movie marathon and announcing that not all dolls are scary psychopaths. Sure, that’s true, but it doesn’t really help the folks who are currently being haunted by Anabelle.
It’s Not About You, Chad
Let’s see what an average social media comment on a post from a woman sharing her experiences with sexual assault looks like.
Here’s how it usually goes:
Woman: “I’ve been catcalled in the street, groped in nightclubs, and assaulted on the metro.”
Chad: “I think it’s important that we all agree on the fact that not all men are like this. Most men wouldn’t behave that terribly unless provoked. I certainly wouldn’t. Isn’t it a bit harsh to paint all men with the same brush?”
Did you notice where the reply went wrong?
The “Not All Men” narrative centres male experiences by prioritising male discomfort over women’s safety. When men feel the need to clarify that they are not part of the problem, the conversation shifts away from the harm women are experiencing and toward validating the feelings of men. It’s already unlikely for women to speak up regarding such experiences and, on top of that, the “not all men” redirection makes them feel disregarded and guilty about sharing their stories.
In centring male experiences, the “Not All Men” narrative also perpetuates the notion that men’s reputations are more important than addressing issues related to sexual violence. The focus on individual male behaviour detracts from the broader cultural and structural changes needed to address gender-based violence. This shift in focus can prevent society from recognizing and dismantling the harmful norms that contribute to this violence and harassment.
The Consequences of Avoiding Accountability
The “Not All Men” response can be seen as an attempt to avoid accountability. Sure, not every guy is out there being the villain in someone’s story, but the problem is bigger than that. When men focus on distancing themselves from the bad apples, they often miss the bigger picture: we’re all living in the same orchard. Even if a man has not directly engaged in harmful behaviour (congrats on the bare minimum!), he may still benefit from and contribute to a system that disadvantages women.
Avoiding accountability also allows harmful behaviours to go unchecked. When men distance themselves from the issue, they miss opportunities to challenge damaging attitudes and behaviours among their peers. It’s as if someone hears, “There’s a problem,” and immediately responds with, “Well, I’m not the problem!” Great, but that’s not the point. The point is recognizing that this problem exists within a system that’s propped up by everyday actions, words, and, yes, even inaction.
So, what do I do?
Let’s be real for a second: Women don’t need you to swoop in with a cape, ready to save the day with your “Not All Men” wisdom. What they actually need is for you to listen. Shocking, I know! But think of it this way—if someone tells you their house burned down, the correct response isn’t to say, “Well, not all fires are bad.” It’s saying, “Sorry to hear that. Do you need a fire extinguisher?”
Instead of trying to prove you’re one of the good guys, take a breath, and consider what’s really being said. Are women out there petitioning for a “No More Men” parade? Not quite. They’re simply saying, “Hey, maybe we should do something about the fact that our daily commute sometimes feels like an episode of Man vs Wild.” Responding with empathy rather than defensiveness? Now that’s a superhero move.
“When men focus on distancing themselves from the bad apples, they often miss the bigger picture: we’re all living in the same orchard.”
How to Not Be Chad?
The first step is to avoid saying “Not all men.” But, that doesn’t mean you have to avoid any conversation about gender-based violence and harassment. If you’re looking for ways to engage in these conversations without accidentally becoming Chad, here are some pro tips:
- “I hear you, and I’m sorry that happened.”: When someone shares their experiences, listen without interrupting or deflecting. Acknowledge the pain and frustration they may be feeling. This is like the conversational equivalent of offering someone a tissue when they’re crying— not complicated, but really helpful.
- “Thanks for sharing this with me.”: Gratitude is always in style. Plus, it shows you’re not just there to defend your ego but to actually, you know, be a supportive human.
- “I believe you.”: Rather than distancing yourself from the problem, express solidarity with those who are affected. Statements like “I believe you” or “This shouldn’t happen to anyone” can be powerful.
- “What can I do to help?”: Reflect on how you may have unconsciously contributed to harmful behaviours or attitudes. Consider ways you can challenge these behaviours in yourself and others.
- “I want to understand more about this issue.”: Curiosity may have killed the cat, but in this case, it’ll save you from becoming Chad. Expressing a desire to learn and understand the complexities of gender-based issues can foster more productive conversations.
- And lastly, Support Change: Advocate for policies and practices that address gender-based violence. Support initiatives that aim to create safer environments for everyone.
Why We Should Retire “Not All Men” (And Maybe Send It to the Same Place as 2010s Skinny Jeans)
Ultimately, the “Not All Men” response misses the point by focusing on individual defensiveness rather than addressing the problem at hand. Conversations about gender-based violence and harassment aren’t about blaming every man—they’re about recognizing that these problems are widespread and deeply ingrained in society. If everyone’s too busy defending themselves to actually engage in the conversation, the problem never gets addressed, and we all end up stuck in the same uncomfortable spot. By focusing on more constructive responses, we can create a more inclusive dialogue that prioritises the safety and well-being of everyone. Real progress happens when we stop focusing on who’s at fault and start working together to create a safer, more equitable world for everyone.
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