Period Pain as Told By the Show "New Girl"

Period pain. Whether you’ve been there or not, you’ve most likely heard horror stories or questioned what it would be like. So, whether you can relate or just need to know, the cast of New Girl is here to explain.

Attempting to explain to men that just because you’re on your period, you are still aware of your emotions and are not some mindless hormone machine for a week.

We’ve all had the experience where you get mad and then someone feels the need to input, “uh-oh, is it that time of month?” As a matter of fact, yes, it is, and I am still entitled to my feelings even though you think my period creates an uncontrollable rage robot.

When something goes wrong and then somehow everything goes wrong, and to make it worse, you have to come home to a period.

You know the day. The one where someone yells at you, and then you spill your coffee, and then you find out there was work due, and then a large truck drives by and soaks you in water as you walk down the street and you are now sopping wet. Sure, maybe that’s a bit of a stretch, but THAT’S HOW IT FEELS.

Whenever anything touches you and you feel the new wave of cramps taking over.

The Wave. It can come at anytime from anywhere and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It will get you. And it will make you curl up into a fetal ball on the closest thing that is or resembles furniture.

When you know you’re overreacting, but you’re not planning on stopping any time soon.

That video of the puppy sleeping in a bowl of fruit loops? (You know the one. And if not, now you do.) While you know in your heart there is no need to cry over it, you know you’re going to and no one is going to get in your way!

The moment you see one of your comfort foods that you know you’ll regret later, but you accept your fate and follow your heart.

Chocolate, ice cream, Cheez itz, chips, maybe even Lucky Charms. Either way, you know this will be a mistake. Despite the cries of your brain, uterus and digestive system, your soul says yes. You can live with the regrets. It is time.

When you and your BFF’s cycles match up.

There is no truer bond than the realization that one is on the same cycle as a friend or family member. It defies all laws of human interaction—if you’re on your period at the same time you’re soul sisters and nothing can change this new blood bond.

Getting to talk about your period in front of your male friends and watching them not know how to respond or react.

We all know that one guy who you can say “tampon” to and he’ll run for the hills. Well, fine. If I can’t talk about my normal body function, then you can’t talk about yours. No more mentions of your testicles, Chad.

Coming home from a long day like:

I have nothing to add to this. You know.

When boys think they can comment on your period or cramps in a non-useful way.

Yes Jeremey, I have taken Advil. Thank you for your revolutionary suggestion. I’ll be sure to thank you in my inauguration speech.

The close bonding you feel with your friends when you get into the nitty gritty of your period experiences.

This is the purest form of woman bonding. She could be your worst enemy, but if you’ve both bled through your jeans in middle school you are connected in an unspoken way. There is a fair chance you and your friends could sit around for literally hours discussing your period adventures (and you probably have).

When someone mentions the pregnancy/period pain or getting kicked in the balls debate.

I don’t even want to hear it. I will writhe in my own pain and you do not get to compare it to anything else. It is MY PAIN. Your balls can wait their turn. 

When you take Advil but it doesn’t kick in until hours later.

The long painful minutes that pass as you ask yourself where the Advil could have possibly gone. And then the minute you think it’s finally kicked in but then The Wave of cramps comes back and you know you’re on your death bed.

A visual representation of the way your uterus feels every time a cramp rolls in. 

Someone free my uterus from the demon that assumes it’s a trampoline and bounces around on it, making it scream in agony.

And finally, the glorious day that the pain all goes away…

Survival of the Fittest. You have won. ….Until next month.