The following is satire.
Hey, listen. I need to get this off my chest. I feel like you’re forgetting how great of a dude I am. Seriously. You won’t find another man like me. So, here it goes.
I am not sexist.
I mean, look at me. I’m wearing pink. See? I don’t have fragile masculinity like other men. It’s not like I’ve grown up under a systemic patriarchy that socially elevates me over anyone who isn’t a man, and it’s not like that would instill any “unconscious biases” inside my brain that inform my actions. Like, come on. How could I have any biases against women when I am pro-choice and hate Donald Trump? Now, I wouldn’t call myself a… a… a feminist, per se (I prefer “egalitarian”), but I’m definitely not sexist. So quit trying to censor my jokes about women. I’m trying to be funny, dammit. Can’t you take a joke? Take notes, even. You females need some lessons in humor. (Kidding!)
And you know what? For the record, I can’t be sexist. It’s literally impossible. I have a mom. And a grandma. And a great grandma. I come from a long line of women, which is somehow different from every other man out there. A woman, quite literally, birthed me. How could I disrespect that?
Also, I voted blue, because women’s rights are human rights. But just so we’re clear, I’d say that I’m socially liberal, fiscally conservative. So don’t call me a Democrat, because I’m not a socialist and I definitely don’t want to be associated with that communist crap. To be honest, I don’t really do politics. They don’t apply to me that much, so I don’t really pay attention to the specifics of the F-word and its nuances and stuff. Feminism, I mean. But still, the future is female! We have more rich women in power now than ever, who can help rich men like me exploit impoverished women across the world. I love a good girlboss.
I just don’t think you understand how much I cherish women. I mean, I give women hugs all the time, and you don’t even seem to appreciate it. Like, I’m showing you how much I respect you by invading your boundaries. A little gratitude goes a long way, you know. Try smiling more, all right? Laugh a little.
So, no, I don’t hate women. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I love women. That’s why I date them, joke about them, know a couple personally, vote blue and get all up in their personal space. So, stop trying to tell me that some of my actions are rooted in misogyny, because they’re not. It hurts my hypermasculine ego whenever you bring it up. Fine, maybe I make mistakes, but it’s never my intent to make a woman uncomfortable, which somehow excuses everything I’ve ever said or done. #NotAllMen, okay?
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