I’m not a psychology major, nor do I pretend to know anything about ids, egos, and all that lovely stuff. Still, I, like many, have often wondered about the science behind attraction. Why are we drawn to certain people? What defines a person’s type?
To investigate this phenomenon, I have chosen the most fittingly unhinged way I know how: dissecting my fictional crushes and plumbing them for revelations about my own inner psyche. Disclaimer: This is a super unserious article, and, as I actually know little to nothing about psychology, none of these analyses — or the conclusions about myself drawn from them — are actually that deep, but rather just for the fun of seeing how absurdly far I can read into my own film and TV crushes. So, without further ado, prepare to enter the dark caverns of my tortured soul through the unassuming locus of the characters I obsess over!
- Quinn Fabray
This crush might be a case of one of those “want to be her and be with her” infatuations, because 1) she’s Dianna Agron, so how could you not grovel at her feet and 2) she’s quite literally the manifestation of everything my middle/high school self would have wanted to be: beautiful, popular, confident, sure of what she wants and unafraid to go out and get it (yes, I am a Quinn apologist, if you couldn’t tell). I guess you could also say this crush evidences my own inferiority complex, because she would definitely be really mean to me (and, as her track record shows, cheat on me). It also indicates my inclination to be the submissive, passive one who is told what to do at all times and is content to be controlled. Because let’s be real, she would totally wear the pants in this relationship.
2. Jack Sparrow
Um . . . so yeah, I’m kind of exposing myself with this one. But seriously, how is this dirty, greasy man so attractive? It’s the eyeliner, I swear. If we want to get really deep into that, perhaps his effeminate qualities (the eyeliner, long hair, jewelry) reflect my stronger inclination towards women that I repress within myself, causing me to seek out more feminine men. Either way, this crush indicates I have really low standards for myself. I clearly feel like I don’t deserve proper love, because he would definitely be really unfaithful and constantly betray me for personal gain. It could totally also just be a manifestation of that good old feminine urge to drop everything and begin a swashbuckling life on the high seas, because who hasn’t fantasized about that?
3. Howl
Honestly, I don’t think I even need to explain myself with this one. However, this crush indicates my fiendish bend on seeking out romantic partners who are infinitely out of my league, setting myself up for inevitable failure because I’m a self-sabotager. Howl is the person that everyone wants to date and be able to flaunt, raising the question, do I just want to date him so I can show him off to other people and prove to them I’m cool enough to be worth his time? Or do I just really want to be a witch and live in an anthropomorphic castle with a fire demon? Probably the latter . . . This crush also likely stems from my insecurity and need for a significant other to shower me in lavish gifts and affirmations of how devoted he is to me, because if I don’t get something as unsubtle as a whole personal garden gifted to me, I’m not going to be able to read the signals.
4. The Milfs
For this crush, I’m knocking multiple birds out with one stone, because I’ve realized the slightly concerning number of milfs I have on my crushes list, namely Donna from Mamma Mia (the Meryl Streep version or the Lily James version . . . actually, especially the Lily James version), Helena Bonham Carter in, well, anything, Winona Ryder in . . . well, anything, and Lorelai Gilmore. I’m not really sure what the affinity towards older, maternal women says about me. Perhaps it alludes to an inverse Electra Complex, because my brain chemistry really said *feminism* (take that, Mr. Freud). Maybe it also hints at a desire to return to a childlike state of maternal dependency, or inversely, an attraction to an alien adult world that I, on the impending precipice of leaving teenagedom, am approaching. Then there is also the fact that, when all is said and done, they’re just hot.
5. Marty McFly
Marty is probably my number one crush, being the star of my favorite movie ever. He is definitely like Quinn in that he is a reflection of my repressed teenage longing to date and/or be the cool person in high school and receive that social validation I never experienced. In the case of Marty, this boy is so dumb and gives major airhead golden retriever energy (and believe me, I saw that with all the affection), so this crush definitely also provides further evidence of my inferiority complex and poor self-esteem. I obviously always want to be the smart, intellectually superior one in the relationship because I feel a need to prove myself and receive constant validation from others.
6. Ed
Clearly, I chronically crave instability and emotionally troubled relationships because I’ve been conditioned by society to romanticize them. Also, because I’ve never been in a serious long-term relationship, I think so lowly of myself as to believe that I can only ever deserve an “I can fix him” situation (no hate to Ed, and of course he does have his healing journey, but the guy is messed up, let’s be real). Also, he’s gay, so he wouldn’t even want me, again affirming my self-sabotaging streak and tendency to set myself up for failure because *flops down on therapist’s couch, staring into the void* deep down, I think I don’t deserve to be happy. Maybe this is a character flaw, but I also just plainly and simply find Taika Waititi so attractive in the strangest, most concerning way.
7. Robin Hood
Um anyways, moving on.
8. Elizabeth Swann
Don’t ask me why there’s such a pirate trend going on here. Or, actually, maybe do ask me. Perhaps, *situates Freudian glasses on face* it all relates back to childhood: years of dressing up as a pirate for Halloween, playing pirate play-pretend games with my dad, obsessing over Peter Pan, Muppet Treasure Island, and the Pirates of the Caribbean. Maybe, embedded in my strange affinity towards roguish buccaneers, is a deep-seated longing for a recapturing of my childhood innocence. (I’d also like to add that I deeply and personally identify with that scene from Heartstopper where Nick has a bisexual dilemma over Will and Elizabeth while watching Pirates of the Caribbean, because that was so real).
9. Bucky Barnes
I am aware that this crush is a walking red flag and yet another example of my affinity for extremely emotionally and mentally unstable characters. It once again evidences the way I self-sabotage via toxic, disastrous, “I can fix him” relationships because my standards for myself are so low. Bucky obviously comes with a lot of baggage, so my attraction towards him could stem from my own need to be the caretaker in every relationship, feeling that I deserve to be in a situation where I put in more than what I get out. Bucky’s oscillation between murderous, brainwashed assassin and sweet little 1940s guy betrays my own inclination towards constant instability and relationships bound for failure, as well as possibly a split personality disorder? Who knows, but don’t say any of the trigger words in front of this guy.
Honorable mentions (whom I love just as much, but just didn’t make for as good of an analysis)
- Nick Miller
- Kate Sharma
- Emma Woodhouse (2020)
- Duckie Dale
- Peter Parker
- Jess Mariano
- Peeta Mellark
- Carol Danvers
- Eugene Fitzherbert
- Legolas
- Gilly Owens
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