“…[E]ach of us needs a friend, one in whom we can confide unreservedly, and to whom we can disclose completely all our dispositions and judgments, from whom we can and need hide nothing, to whom we can communicate our whole self.” – Emmanuel Kant
I was reading for my Women & Philosophy class when I stumbled upon this quote from one of the most famous philosophical and anthropological minds, Emmanuel Kant. As soon as my eyes finished the quotation, I snatched my phone off of the charger and sent the quote as a text message to both of my best friends. It resonated with me so well that I thought the relationship between Scarlett, Grace, and I could not have been described any better with the words of the English language. Grace wrote back a kissy smiley with a reply that read, “so true of our friendship.” Ashley said, “ily babycakes,” with the symbol of a heart. Those simple replies secured in me the comprehension of the connection between the description of Kant’s quote and the reality of our relationship.
I thought that this quote described everyone’s relationship with their friend(s). I believed that the personal definition of the friendship I share with my best friends was the same for everyone else. When Professor Vavova read over the quote in class, she mentioned how “rare” and “infrequent” a friendship like this was. She made it seem as if it was an ideal and unlikely relationship like a lot of Kant’s ethics and morals. Many of his concepts seem to sound great on paper but insufficient in practice. However, I have practiced this “perfect” case of friendship and I believe everyone deserves this type of friendship.
Many of us seem to have three main problems that keep us from creating a Kantian perfect-friendship.
(1) People are afraid to “burn bridges” and be alone. I have found it that many people would rather fight through a phony, problematic, unauthentic relationships than avoid the ones who purposely make them feel as if they don’t belong. For the short time that I had an OkCupid account, I was always interested in a question that was asked by the site for users to answer: in terms of a relationship, “Would you rather there be dedication or passion?” Almost every single profile I read over answered “dedication” and I never understood why.
I am a passionate person, in all aspects of my life. I look for flair, fire, compatibility, connection and passion. I have found that many people disagree with me. If a relationship is going through “hard times” others would rather stick through it. They argue, hang up on each other, scream, slam doors, and even engage in physical abuse. For some reason, an unsafe disconnection shared in the same space as your partner is just not appealing to me. If I get to the point of unhappiness with someone, whether it is because of a mistake I have made or the wrongdoing of my partner, I will not “fight through all the hard times.” In my relationships, there are no “hard times,” frequent fights or abusive arguments. If you are complaining, unsure, confused, anxious and emotionally torn, how do you gain the strength and persistance to continue with the same unhappy feelings? I am not dedicated to anything hurtful: verbally, emotionally, physically or otherwise. I am one of those people who believe, “if it hurts, it ain’t love.
If you are unhappy, and emotionally pained, it is not the friendship you should want or deserve.
Because people are so eager to “stick around” and the other half are afraid to quit talking to people who are non-conducive to their lifestyles, many of them end up settling for less. This just creates inadequate friendships that result in the lacking of all of the selflessness, trust, and genuine connections described by Kant. Some people, however, do not have the problem with staying away from others who do not like them. Instead they commit mistake number (2). When some people come across a person they are compatible with, many of them are too scared to open up and act themselves. Some act, speak, walk, and talk a certain way in order to appease who ever they come in contact with. Recognizing that there is a specific time to act a certain way and creating a fake person for others to get along with are two very different things. Lying about you are is seen as immorally wrong by Kant. He describes it as a lack of respect to a human’s autonomy; depriving them of the honest and free choice to accept you for who you truly are.
Emmanuel Kant, although having an awesome definition of friendship and morals, suffers from the issue of judgment. Many people will say they do not judge, yet evaluate others based on their personal beliefs and what they know to be true; lacking the capacity of openness to accept difference. My best friend Fernanda, mentioned a concept on the basis of judgement. During one converstaion she mentioned that every one has flaws. Whether it is a flaw in appearance, attitude, or personality, people have differences, oddities and uncertainties. Who is anyone to judge you on your wrongs as if they are fully right. No one is perfect.
I naturally ask about things I know nothing about. I am curious about various subjects, different types of parties, alternative clothes, and unconventional activities that challenge who I am and help me learn more about myself. If you are too scared to go to a hip-hop club, how can you judge it? If you have never been to another country, how can you speak about it as if you have been?
The same applies to friends.
Be open about relationships instead of being prude about them. If it is something you do not do, accepting it does not mean that you automatically have to practice it. Learn about it in order to have an opinion about it. If you shut out someone based on one difference, you could be burning a bridge without giving yourself a chance to build it.
If you can yell in the library, crack-up obnoxiously in public, walk around comfortably with little to no clothes on, speak about intellectual as well as entertaining issues, be motivated, become inspired, be admired by, look up to, and say what ever is on your mind without a filter to your friend, your relationship may be just as real and authentic as Kant and I would expect it to be.
My advice to you is to truly get to know someone and love what you get to know. That is the rawest, realest, and most beautiful relationship you could ever ask for with another human being.