October – the universally designated “spooky season” – is upon us my dears. We must now beware of “Beware” signs written in fonts like “Creepster Regular.” We have to be careful of motion-triggered devices waiting nearby to surprise us with a random ghost noise, an unsettling cackle, or the dreadful combination of an organ and a theremin. We now have to dodge decorative skeletons, headstones, and my least-favorite: cotton cobwebs.
It is unfortunately inescapable, this season of purple, lime-green, orange, and black (which are colors that we just all pretend to go together for a whole month and then ignore for the rest of the year). For those of us who are not a fan, it can be exhausting.
No, I don’t want to stick my hand in that box of cold, wet, spaghetti labeled, “brains” and why does that sound like fun to you? No, for the love of God, I do not want to watch “Hocus Pocus” for the fiftieth time in my life – we’re adults now and it’s time to admit it’s a bad movie. No, I don’t want to go to that costume party because I hate dressing up, and if I don’t, I’m just going to look lame.
And while we’re at it, “The Nightmare Before Christmas” is either a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie. Please choose one. Claiming territory over both Spooky Season and The Most Wonderful Time of the Year was one of the most maniacal moves Tim Burton ever made.
We barely have time to inhale the pure scent of crisp autumn air before the sickly-sweet smell of prosthetic makeup and fake blood start to suffocate us. Our precious pumpkin patches and apple orchards now have haunted hayrides attached to them. I just want to walk through town, salted caramel mocha in hand, boots on my feet, without having to try to ignore the tacky pop-up costume shop blasting music to get peoples’ attention. I can’t even walk through my hall without being accosted by the sight of a giant spider web full of decorative spiders.
Spooky people, I beseech you! I am an exhausted college girl (one of many) who just wants to enjoy the colder weather without pretending to want to be scared. There are plenty of real things to fear in this world; I don’t need any additional reasons to increase my stress levels. We girls who do not subscribe to Spooky Culture – we are not weird! – we are preparing for hibernation, and we would like to enjoy these colder days in peace. Please respect us as we deserve this time to thrive, too.