Romance has always been problematic for me. Firstly, I have trouble being vulnerable around potential romantic partners, which causes me to practically bully them. This idea of “banter” being coined as smooth flirting is definitely absurd. You’re practically insulting the other person and it is somehow supposed to transform into sweet embraces and kisses. I am not sure how to make that jump, and apparently my past crushes were unaware too.
Aside from vulnerability, I frequently romanticize others. I recently heard Ariana Grande’s song “in my head,” from new her album thank u, next, and it described my mind processes pretty well. It basically tells the story of a person who makes up an image or persona of someone they are infatuated with. (Because isn’t that infatuation?) Being completely immersed in the idea of someone based on their physicalities rather than what’s on the inside?
If you have a big crush on the cute bartender at your job, you’re not going to picture him/her being in an awkward situation or fumbling over his/her words when speaking to you. Naturally, we romanticize people in a state of infatuation, because what else do we have to rely on? And there lies my problem.
I had a close friend about 2 years ago who I got along with very well. It eventually got flirty, and fast forward to a year and a half of no contact, we eventually end up hanging out. During that one and a half year period I was drowning in the “what ifs”. “What if we went out and hit it off? What if we were dating right now?” I began to romanticize this person completely; I started to make him into this amazing guy who I was insane to have let slip through my fingers. In reality, it takes two to make that silence.
I’m positive I had made mistakes in this relationship because I struggle with vulnerability and being my true self around someone I like. But to romanticize another to fill those insecurities within yourself is never the answer. Trust me, it ends up completely crushing you and heightening your standards to an untouchable degree. In my case, this person did me a favor of teaching me something valuable.
They taught me that I should not let my idea of someone become the driving force behind my adoration for them. Do not be afraid to get to know others and find out who they really are. That cute bartender from work? They could be the driest person on the planet but, how are you to know if you stay in your own head? How am I to know? And who am I to give such advice? I’m just a girl trying to figure out the craziness that is romance. Figuring out how to love someone else takes some self-discovery on your part. So do yourself a favor, never romanticize a past flame, because one day you might be like me and find yourself in their car wondering why you cried over the “what ifs” in the first place.