It started with quirky love poems and a single rose. Simple things that could melt any young woman’s heart I suppose. Everything was fine in the beginning; it was springtime the flowers were blooming and I had quite the admirer. He was sweet, charming and even though he wasn’t the usual type I seek in a guy, I figured I’d give him a chance. What’s wrong with letting me have some happiness in my life?
One word: Pressure. That’s how the abuse started. By the summer, it started to escalate. One of the first pressures was getting into a physical relationship before I was ready. He made me believe that if women didn’t engage in physical acts men would find it unattractive. Abusers work in a cycle, they act nicer when they get what they want. When he got what he wanted, he started to act nice again. This lasted a month or so until the next want on his list wasn’t met and the cycle continued.
To be honest, I didn’t even know what was happening to me. The abuse took over my life; it increased my stress level to an all-time high as well as took a huge toll on me physically and emotionally. It even brought me to the point where I developed an eating disorder. He bullied me; he had a comment to say about almost everything from what I ate to what I did on the weekends. He praised me for having a flat stomach and being able to fit into tiny shorts; like he was molding me into a Barbie doll.
By the time I was so emotionally drained and realized I needed to get out of the relationship, the abuse had begun to increase more and turn violent. He started to physically restrain me when I said that I wanted to leave, if I didn’t want to do something or the scariest when I told him “no” or “stop”. The person who I once felt comfortable with was now the person I was terrified to be alone with.
Sometimes people don’t understand that even when you leave an abuser, the abuse doesn’t stop. The guilt that he instilled in me still haunts me and affects other relationships I have formed. I wish I could say that I left the relationship sooner and saw what other people were seeing happening when I was blind from the abuse. When I ended the relationship, it was difficult to do but it was the most reviving experience. I look back at that time with a smile because the abuse changed me and started making me into a person I didn’t want to be. I started to feel that I had control again and started making the right choices, choices that made me happy.
What have I learned since separating myself from my abuser? I have learned that I am not dirty and I am not worthless like he made me feel I was. I have learned that a real man won’t pressure you. A real man cares more about how comfortable you are in a situation above all else. I use to think that I was too smart to let a guy take control over me. I thought rape happened in dark allies by a stranger. Sexual assault and rape occurs all too often when it shouldn’t even be happening at all. If there is any advice I can give is that it is not your fault. There are different circumstances that contribute to how difficult it can be to leave an abuser but it is worth it; you are worth it. Slowly but surely you will start to become and feel like yourself again. The air will start to smell crisper, your rapidly beating heart will return to a normal pace and you can rise above the monster that took advantage of you.