*The author of this article has chosen to use an alias for herself and her boyfriend to not shame those who are guilty of unintentional acts of microaggressions and racism.
I am in a relationship with an African-American man, which has impacted my perspective on race in ways that will affect me for the rest of my life. While dating someone of my own race, this topic never came up in conversation. For my whole life I had been comfortable in a white bubble, separated from the melting pot of race.
Here are 5 things that I now realize happen when you are dating someone of a different race. One day I hope this will not be the case:
1. You will start to notice how many people use racial slurs.
Let’s just say now that Donald Trump is running for president and all over the news, I can’t stand to be in the same room with a television covering his rallies or in a room with any of his supporters. Not until racial slurs directly affected me personally did I realize how often they were being used. I now pick up on microaggressions every day.
A past Her Campus MNSU article covered microaggressions. “Microaggressions are the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.” If you wish to read the full article, which covers racism on campus, take a look at Recognizing Racism on Campus.
It saddens me to think that I have neglected to acknowledge my own white privilege and the oppressions of other social constructs my entire life. I think about Anthony growing up with this as a norm, while other children didn’t have to face their race on a daily basis. I have only begun to understand these issues, but I now realize how important they are to address no matter what race you are.
2. People in public will stare.
For a long time I have been naive. I would go wherever I wanted and if people looked at me I just wondered if they thought I was attractive. Then I started dating someone with a race different from mine. I started to catch people looking at my boyfriend and I all the time like we were a spectacle.
One morning, Anthony brought me out to breakfast. I remember looking around the restaurant and realizing he was the only person of color in the restaurant. I looked up from my plate once to see a Caucasian couple staring at us disgusted. Come on people, it is 2016.
While I think it is important to address negative reactions, I would also like to acknowledge the wonderful people who have expressed approval through smiles and have encouraged us to ignore the status quo.
3. People assume you are dating someone of the same race as you.
One night I was out with Anthony. His buddy was in town, so we brought him out to the bars for a couple drinks. The three of us stepped outside to get some fresh air on the patio. I was then approached by an acquaintance of mine who quickly jumped to the assumption that Anthony’s Caucasian male friend was my boyfriend. I laughed and said, “No, I’m with him” pointing to Anthony. She looked at me momentarily shocked and embarrassed at her assumption. People always expect you to be with someone that is like you, whether it be race, religion, demographic, or political status.
4. Telling your family can be uncomfortable.
I remember first telling my mom about Anthony. He was handsome, smart and had the same sense of humor as me. I was bursting at the seams with excitement talking to my mom about him and then all of a sudden I hit a wall. I realized I hadn’t told my mom he was black yet. I told her. The other end of the line was quiet and she said, “I’m glad you shared.”
A month later she told me something that broke my heart. “I hate to say this, but I am so glad you told me about his character before you told me he was black. It may have caused me to be less open to you dating him.” Why should it have to be a worry to share with your loved ones that someone you are dating is black? Anthony still has not met my entire family and I still worry how my older relatives will react.
5. Conversations on race will become real.
I grew up in St. Paul, Minnesota, a diverse area that surrounded me with different cultures and races. In school we are taught about what people have been put through because of the color of their skin or ethnicity, but I was never taught how to have a conversation about race.
I remember one of the first conversations I had with Anthony on race. He asked if my parents knew he was black as well as if I had ever dated someone that was black. I didn’t know how to talk about race when he began to ask me more questions. I worried if I was saying the wrong thing. I worried if I was being numb to certain subjects. Being white, I had never had to have a real talk about race, especially with someone that I deeply care about.
Overall, my experiences with being in an interracial relationship have been positive in my liberal college town. People have reached out to me to admire my decision to put relationship before race. I am proud to say that I think our generation is progressively addressing the issue. I hope in the future my children will not fear the day they have to tell me they are in an interracial relationship. That they will know that society will accept their choices and know their family will greet their significant others with open arms.