At the beginning of my first semester in college, I was required to fill out a long survey that asked me a bunch of repetitive questions. The survey was meant to tell me what my greatest strength is. To no surprise, my results told me that my greatest strength is that I am a futurist. This means that I have a very specific view of what I want my future to look like, I like setting and accomplishing goals, and that I like to dream big. This is completely 100% true! Every aspect of what this result page was saying described me perfectly—which if you think about it, is kinda creepy. But this was supposed to be my greatest strength, the best thing about me. It seemed to me that being this futurist girl that was being described to me, was my biggest weakness. Is it possible for my greatest strength to also be my biggest weakness? Do I just have too much of a good thing?
I say that being a futurist is my biggest weakness because I can get so caught up in what my future is supposed to look like that when it doesn’t turn out that way, I am crushed. Does this mean that I am not a flexible person? Could that be my biggest weakness?
Ever since I was a very young girl I have been a futurist. I knew what I wanted and I had the drive to get exactly that. Of course, overtime my goals have changed and evolved into more realistic ones. Many of these dreams have come true and that is amazing! I suppose that is why being a futurist is my greatest strength. However, some of my dreams and my goals have been ruined, and because I was so deeply invested in these goals, when they fell apart it had the power to completely crush me and shatter my heart.
Here’s what I mean:
When I was in high school I fell in love with a boy. I was beyond in love with this boy. He was my boyfriend, but he was also one of my best friends. What we had was special and indescribable, at least I thought of it that way. I’d like to believe that he once thought of our relationship that way too. When we were together there was no doubt in my mind that he felt the same way I did. He was my first love, my only love; at least for now (you see that, that’s the futurist in me talking). I fully believed with my whole heart that I would be in love with him forever and that we were something special. I believed that our relationship was strong enough that we could withhold anything and that I could have both our relationship and my dreams for my own future.
When I left for college and I left my boyfriend behind, I left believing that we were strong enough to withhold a successful long distance relationship. I believed that I would move to New York City and accomplish my dream all while keeping my relationship with my high school sweetheart. I believed that when it was all said and done and I was finished with college, then the two of us would get married and start a family and live happily ever after. That is not what happened.
About two weeks into our long distance relationship, that seemed to have been going great, I got a phone call from the boy who I thought I would love forever. He didn’t say much, but from what he did say I knew that our relationship was over and that the perfect picture that I had created in my head of what my future was supposed to look like was ruined. The phone call only lasted seven minutes and ended with him hanging up on me. After two years of being in love with him, I was shocked that all it took was this short phone call and it was all over. I was shocked for a number of reasons. I was shocked because the boy that I was so in love with, was a boy I didn’t really know at all. The person who I thought he was would never have hurt me in this way.
I was shocked because I didn’t see it coming. We had discussed being in a long distance relationship for an entire year leading up to it. I was confident that we would be okay and for those two weeks that we were in a long distance relationship we were okay, at least I thought we were. The night before he broke up with me, we talked just like we had everyday for the past two years and he told me he loved me. It all felt normal, no warning signs, no red flags. And bam the next day my whole world was turned upside down. I was in more pain than I even knew possible. I felt paralyzed and unable to breathe.
I know how it sounds; dramatic, maybe even pathetic, but in that moment that was me, feeling real feelings. Feelings that hurt so badly and that were very difficult for me to understand.
I know now that it was not a very smart move to plan my entire future around a boy I met when I was sixteen and to get my hopes up so high. But, I did and when I did it felt so perfect I thought that we were an exception to the norm and that everything would work out. But now I know that things change, and people change, and maybe someday I’ll find a way to be okay with that.
I am doing much better now because I have new goals and I am working very hard towards accomplishing them. I think that losing my relationship has turned out to be the best thing for me because now I am able to figure out how to take care of myself, all by myself. It has also allowed me to focus on forming myself into the person that I want to be in the future.
Of course, some days are better than others. Sometimes, it is upsetting when I feel lonely or when I think about what could have been. I am learning to take every moment for what it is and allow myself to feel whatever it is that I may be feeling. It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions but focusing on what I want for my future has helped me through all of it and helped me learn from it.
I am still a big dreamer and I enjoy thinking about my future. Being a futurist has gotten me to where I am now. I am thriving and living out my dreams. Everyday on my walk to and from class I get to look down the New York City streets and think to myself “wow I did it” and I am doing it and that is amazing! Because I am a futurist and I set goals, it is even more special for me when I get to see those goals being accomplished.
Being a futurist is what has gotten me to where I am today and it is what will take me to where I want to be in the future. Sure it has lead to me getting my hopes up causing me to get hurt, but it has also lead me to going to college and to living in New York City. Both of which are huge accomplishments of mine. Being a futurist may be my biggest strength, it may also be my biggest weakness, but one thing is for sure—being a futurist has caused a lot more success than downfalls. And the downfalls have only opened doors and revealed learning experiences.
My advise to all the dreamers out there is to keep dreaming big! It’s like a big gamble, dream as big as you can and bet it all. If you loose it may hurt, but just imagine what it could be like if you win and all of your dreams come true!