I have always had this need to never fail. Maybe most people are like that, but as I got older, I came to the realization that my perfectionism was actually debilitating. Now I am learning it is okay to fail and make mistakes – it is part of being human.
Sometimes I feel this pressing urge to have things in such a certain fashion that if they go any other way I feel like I have lost. It has always been like that for me. I can remember growing up and getting so frustrated if something did not go the way I had pictured it. I have definitely criticized myself for these feelings, but I am learning to grow from that and accept my flaws.
This part of my personality has been extremely difficult to deal with, though, and I have struggled time and time again not to let it control me. I have had days where I work myself up because I worry that if I don’t get the perfect grade on an assignment it is a reflection on who I am as a person. I always do my best, yet somehow I still end up feeling like it isn’t enough.
Last semester was probably the worst. I would wake up early on the weekends while everyone else was asleep and spend hours on my homework. I couldn’t relax until I knew that there was nothing more I could do. This eventually drained me and burned me out, and I am now starting to heal from that. I am realizing I can still be a hard worker and be proud of myself without pushing my mental health over the edge.
I think a huge part of growing from this was realizing that I am enough. No letter grade on a page is going to define me forever, it’s trusting in my own abilities and knowing who I am deep down that matters. Loving myself is an essential part of being happy. Micromanaging my entire life was not sustainable, and it was definitely not leading me to happiness.
When I began to go easier on myself, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. My worst enemy was the little voice inside me telling me I couldn’t make a mistake. Understanding that I can and should make mistakes is what helped me change for the better, and knowing that it is okay to be vulnerable was the biggest step in the right direction. Finding vulnerability within myself was the key to breaking through to that perfectionist inside me. I am only human, and my mistakes do not reflect who I really am.
Going through all this has made me wonder how many other people have struggled like I have. I realize that there are likely a number of women (and men) out there who are dealing with or have dealt with the same problem. If you are also someone who has had these feelings, I encourage you to take it easy on yourself. Search for the ability to make mistakes and be vulnerable. It will drastically change your life for the better.