Christmas music is a both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes it seems like the same five songs are playing over and over again, but the season can’t really start until you find yourself scream-singing along to the last couple of “YOUUUUUUU”s in All I Want For Christmas Is You. Unfortunately, everyone can’t be Mariah Carey. Here are some absolutely horrible Christmas songs that I can guarantee will cause me to leave your Christmas party if they come on:
5. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer – Elmo and PatsyThis song is fun when you’re a kid. Who wouldn’t want to listen to a Christmas song about the brutal murder of their Grandmother? But once you go to high school, this song needs to stay in a sealed box in your brain along with all your middle school memories. Apparently there’s a cartoon movie that reenacts the ordeal from the song, but I’m not going to talk about it because it shouldn’t exist.
4. Feliz Navidad – José FelicianoThis song is actually kind of nice – for those who speak Spanish. AMERICAN WHITE PEOPLE: YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS SINGING THIS SONG. Nothing ruins a party faster than some white guy trying to sing Feliz Navidad. The only acceptable time for white people to play this song is if you’re in the car with your mom and you play the song a few times to annoy her. It works, but THAT’S IT.
3. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas – Gayla PeeveyThis is a song about a girl who wants a hippopotamus for Christmas. Seriously. A hippopotamus. No crocodiles or rhinosairusesesesesseses. Ignoring the fact that a hippo is a ridiculous pet, this song is just absurd and this kid is a total brat. The worst part of this song is that Gayla Peevey was only ten at the time it was recorded and probably had no idea what kind of madness she was about to unleash to the world. I’m sure when your name is Gayla Peevey, you are tormented daily, but that’s no excuse for releasing a song like this.
2. The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)I never understood Alvin and the Chipmunks. I still don’t. I saw Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, but that’s just because I will do literally anything for Amy Poehler. I just am baffled by this song every time I hear it. Why chipmunks? Why is it so high? Why is Alvin more popular than the others? Why chipmunks? I don’t understand.
Now at this point you’re probably saying, “Brooke, all of the songs you’ve picked are 30, 40, 50, even 60 years old! You’re being a snob who’s only into new music.”You are so wrong. The absolute worst Christmas song is
1. Drummer Boy – Justin Bieber ft. Busta RhymesYou know how when you try and buy cold medicine at the self checkout part of CVS and little alarms go off and the machine stops until someone that works there says you’re an adult and able to handle cold medicine? That should’ve happened to my laptop when I tried to play this song. I don’t want to victim blame, but I should’ve known better than to listen to a Christmas song that Justin Bieber raps in. I was trying to listen to it to pick out the worst part, but the entire 3 minutes and 45 seconds is the worst part. Busta Rhymes’s verse isn’t even good and he’s actually a professional rapper. The song belongs on an album called Justin Bieber Ruins Your Dad’s Favorite Christmas Song.