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What I Really Want For Valentine’s Day

Don’t get me wrong; flowers and chocolate and cards are cool, but I’m here to give it to you straight. Here’s a list of what girls — or, at least, what I — really want for Valentine’s Day.

1. The outlawing of cargo shorts.

Why all the pockets? What are all these guys hiding? They’re definitely a threat to national security. Also, they’re ugly and I hate them.

2. A remake of the disaster that was the series finale of "How I Met Your Mother."

Because it’s not even an overstatement to say that Barney and Robin were the modern day Romeo and Juliet.

3. Makeup-removing wipes.

A study that I just made up right now says a girl can truly never have enough makeup-removing wipes.

4. Taylor Swift's friendship.

She’s buying her fans a bunch of stuff for Christmas and paying off their student loans. So, like, what’s she buying her close friends? Am I right, ladies?

5. Capri sun.

I don’t know why little kids are the only ones who can acceptably consume these tasty, yet conveniently portable beverages… ridiculous.

6. Underwear.

Not even the sexy kind. Literally just cotton underwear.

7. Better skin.

This one doesn’t elicit an explanation.

8. A lot of Chicken McNuggets.

Honestly, neither does this one.

9. The elimination of humidity.

I would like a 3-page, MLA-formatted, double-spaced, 12-point font essay from God explaining why He even made it a thing.

10. For what happened to Lizze McGuire in "The Lizzie McGuire Movie" to happen to me.

You’re probably thinking this is pretty random to include but, seriously, just picture it.

11. Free shipping on everything.

One time I tried to order a pair of socks and the shipping was twice as much as the product itself. Case in point.

12. Endless supply of K Cups.

Ya girl’s not like this without her caffeine.

13. The nationwide expansion of In-N-Out.

It’s like the freakin’ fast food Manifest Destiny.

14. The eradication of the patriarchy.

You should probably go read the “Meninist” Twitter page if you’re not fully on board with this one.

15. The normalization of wearing sweats out and about.

Okay, if the guys get cargo shorts, we should at least get sweats.

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