Question: Who do you think is more clingy, guys or girls and why? – Anonymous
Welcome back, anonymous! You’re single-handedly making me relevant!
This question is wonderful because it plays on the age-old tradition of gender warfare. Mocking the opposite sex, one that we often can’t function without, has always been a paradoxical pastime for both man and woman, alike.
It’s amazing that we haven’t all adopted asexuality by now, and embraced reproductive budding. But, that’s a science lesson for another time.
For all of its cons, Cling has to be the most proficient way to end up covered in pizza stains, eyes bloodshot from crying over past status updates. Without it, we’d have no need for social media, GPS, and night-vision goggles.
But despite the allure of imminent shame, Cling still carries a significantly negative stigma.
Either significant others need to chill out, or somebody is getting tazed.
But, while Cling is pervasive across both genders, I don’t believe either one can claim it as its own. Rather, I think that Cling manifests itself in different ways in girls and guys, both of them equally alarming.
Let’s first look at the guys.
Three Types of Clingy Guy:
1. Loves MMA Guy: This guy would punch the mirror if he didn’t like the look he gave himself. When these guys feel as though their dominance or control over a situation is challenged, they will respond in an aggressive or accusatory fashion. This may include accusations of cheating or name-calling, and in extreme cases, physicality.
2. Climbs Tree Outside Window Guy: If this guy doesn’t trust you, he will hunt you to the ends of the Earth. Don’t be flattered by this. Frankly, it’s horrifying. Prepare yourself for passive-aggressive guilt trips and cell phone checks.
3. Jar of Hearts Guy: Even Christina Perri finds this guy feminine. More likely than not, he inundates you with affection 24/7 and knows your schedule like the back of his hand. You were his first time and he’s petrified that you will be his last. He’s not helping his case. Beware of social media seduction and invites to watch Romantic Comedies. He’ll need tissues.
Your turn, girls!
Three Types of Clingy Girl:
1. I Love You So Much That I Bought a Knife Girl: This girl scares me s***less. Should you not respond to her texts in 30 seconds or less, she’s most likely sending you more, or plotting ways to remove your manhood. Ladies, avoid being this girl at all costs, unless you’re counting on Stockholm Syndrome to save your relationship.
2. I Know It’s Been A Week But Let’s Get an Apartment Girl: This girl fully believes that of the 525,600 minutes in a year, she is entitled to 525,600 of them. She will find ways to spend time that defy the clock and calendar. Beware. Guys aren’t anaerobic organisms. They need space to breathe.
3. I Hate My Life and My Friends Think I’m Ugly and My Dog Has a Cold and I Need to Go to the Rec and WHY IS IT SO COLD IN HERE and No One Favorites My Tweets and I Bet You Don’t Even Like Me and KISS ME NOW OR I WILL SCREAM…Girl: Self Explanatory.
Clearly, there is an incredible assortment of ways to ruin your relationship when you embrace cling like Waka Flocka does illiteracy.
As I’ve highlighted before, space and freedom to exist outside of your relationship are necessary components to being in a healthy one. This brings about some tough choices.
No matter which side of the battle you’re on, clinger or the clingee, imbalance of affection leads to nothing but contempt and confusion. It’s important to talk about these discrepancies before they become problems.
Sometimes it’s best to escape a relationship before it becomes a felony.
B****boii Update: I regret to inform you that on February 25, my dear B****boii fell victim to who knows what and was flushed to eternal life. Oh well, saw that one coming. Thus, I am pleased to announce that I will be purchasing B****boii: The Sequel in short order. Prepare to be amazed.
Next Week I Answer: “He’s just not that into you.” Is it that cut and dry? ~*aNONyMoUs*~
Keep asking questions, guys! If it’s something that you’re afraid to ask anybody over the age of 18, then it’s perfect for me!
Send your questions through our “suggestions” box on the home page to remain anonymous, or email them to hercampusmizzou@gmail.com.