A good friend: “Congrats! You’ve met someone!”
Your inner conscious: “Oh, s***! I’ve met someone.”
We all understand the feeling. Someone special has come into your life, and accompanying this person is the impulse to shout your euphoria from the mountaintop.
Unfortunately, there also exists a fear that you’ll take one step too far and plunge to your untimely depth on the rocks below, a jagged assortment of poor coping mechanisms: Ryan Gosling films, carbohydrates, and vodka… like, all of the vodka.
This paradox leaves us with a precarious question:
“How much is too much? And how soon?”
I know all too well the desire to throw myself at a potential other, hurtling towards them like an unmanned semi-truck. Unfortunately, such desire is often compounded by the fact that most college students tend to speak English as a second language, preferring to communicate through hieroglyphic “Emojis” carrying the potential to be interpreted as an infinite number of innuendos.
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? More like: How many winky faces does it take to get an awkward handy at Ten Below?
But, luckily for us hopeless romantics, there is a way to cut through the anxiety and haste. Taking the initiative in a relationship is merely being specific with yourself and your potential partner.
In essence, don’t live out a Buzzfeed romance. We’ve all seen the Top 10 lists on “How Not to Start a Relationship.” To me, they often read out like this:
How Not to Start a Relationship:
1. I’m single and bitter.
2. My last first date reminded me that I drink too much.
3. Oh wait, I’ve got a list to compile.
4. Cliché.
5. I’m really not happy.
6. Cliché.
7. Is Petco still open?
8. Cliché.
9. No?! S***. My cat’s gonna be pissed.
10. I’m hopeless. You’re hopeless. LOL. There’s always Netflix LOL.
Sure, we learn from the past. But, we live in the future.
The greatest mistake that a college student can make in beginning a relationship is attempting to do so on someone else’s terms. As adrift as you can feel when trying to express newfound affections, you’re living out a story all your own! Thus, how can you go wrong? Well, let’s be reasonable here… There are plenty of ways to go wrong.
There’s a difference between being attentive and stalking. There’s a difference between getting to know somebody and getting to know someone’s body. And there’s definitely a difference between expressing affection and creepily proposing because Captain Morgan gave you his blessing. Trust your instincts, not your hormonal imbalances.
The opportunity to be happy is never one bestowed coincidentally. Be it for a lesson or a lifelong love, initiative is all about believing that what you feel is right and taking chances.
Here are some clever ways to take those chances:
1. Be Serendipitous. You know your guy/gal is about to have a stressful week. Let their pain be your gain! Nothing says “I’m thinking about you” quite like a considerate gesture, out of the blue. Consider sending an E-Gift their way. A $5 gift card to Starbucks can specifically address their (tiring) situation without demanding something in return. This is a great way of feeling out how well your potential partner reciprocates gentle gestures.
2. Be Secretive. There is inherent danger in keeping a secret. Thus, as opposed to spewing your potential relationship out to the world liked a coked-out social media tween queen, play around with the secrecy of your situation. Shared glances, passed notes and a general “us against the world” mentality can turn your flirtation into a quiet game. Why chase after your potential partner when you can both enjoy watching everyone else chase after your secret?
3. Be Studious. Everyone studies — and if your potential partner doesn’t, they probably aren’t worth spending the time with anyways. Asking someone to study with you is an incredibly effective and low-maintenance way to feel out how they handle stress and respect your smarts. Furthermore, there isn’t a better way to get to know someone than by commiserating with him/her over Red Bull and a pre-med/law/vet/etc. life crisis.
4. Be Sweet. A milkshake never killed anybody… except for many with Coronary Heart Disease. Asking your potential partner to grab some dessert is a stellar way to spend some time without being overbearing. Once again, dessert follows the “everybody loves it” rule, making it seem less like a date and more like a chance to unwind. If all goes according to plan, this can be a wonderful segue into an actual meal (date), with actual food (expensive) and actual intent (KISS ON THE LIPS).
5. Be Straight-up. Just say how you feel. This is a personal favorite of mine, as it is for many without an operable filter. I find that playing dating politics is a better way of getting bored with someone than getting to know them. Being upfront and honest about where you feel your potential relationship is headed is the best way to get it there. This doesn’t mean pestering or applying unwanted pressure, but establishing a line of communication. How many times have you waited for him/her to text you, slowly slipping into a neurotic rage? How many times have you wanted to express how afraid you feel when he/she is off drinking without you, the pit of your stomach dropping like it’s hot? Trust is foundational to finding happiness with someone else. It doesn’t have to be a taboo if you don’t let it.
There are plenty of ways to take the dive with someone. You only break your neck when your advances are too shallow.
Neither the Internet, nor your friends, nor your favorite Ryan Gosling character should be the model for how you live out your own romance. It is 100 percent yours, and if you play your cards right, eventually that special someone might be too.
Keep asking questions, gang! The more likely to frighten your priest, the better it is for me!