The Bachelorette returned on Monday, July 11, and the show was more full of tears and anguish than ever. Ashley didn’t have to bring the water works alone this time, though – she had plenty of help from a normally slap-happy Ryan and a certain (snooze-worthy) Bachelor contestant of the past. This episode also opened our eyes to a few new tid bits of information about our spritely bachelorette, one of the more prevalent ones being that she doesn’t own shirts that properly cover her back. But can we blame her? She’s got a nice set of shoulder blades, and, naturally, they need a little breathing room every now and then. It’s the only decent way a good shoulder-blade or two should be treated, as we all know.
A quote from my mom: “What in the world does she have on?! A handkerchief?”
This episode takes place in the lovely Taiwan. According to Ashley, Taiwan is a hidden part of Asia that nobody really knows about. I’m thinking maybe she skipped out on 6th grade social studies. Regardless of her level of geographical education, Ash at least seems more decisive and clear on the men that she is truly into this go-around.
Harrison meets the men in front of a hotel. Sup, fellas? Welcome to the beautiful city of Taipei, Taiwan. This city may be wonderful, but your experiences here probably won’t be. At least one of you will cry at the end of this. And it will probably be the one of you who has a special interest in water heaters. Four of you will make it out of here with a rose, and you can then introduce Ashley to your families (winks at JP).
With that, Harrison the prophet leaves the men to mull over his words and read the date card: “Constantine, let your love-light shine.”
Constantine & Ashley’s date
1) The couple hops onto a steam engine and heads for a small village that specializes in lantern-making. As the train pulls into town, Constantine is sure to give a friendly wave to all of the locals. “Hey, what’s up,” he says out of the window to a quizzical-looking Asian baby as the train slows down.
2) Ash jumps onto Constantine’s back, and he carries her over to a big red lantern, on which they draw their “love wishes.”
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The next date card arrives. Ames reads it aloud: “Ben, let’s spend a gorgeous day together in Taiwan. And the word gorgeous is spelled ‘g-o-r-g-e-s,'” says Ames. I actually recited that word in a spelling bee once. When I was three.
Back at the date…
3) Ashley and Constantine discuss his family and the possibility of them ending up together. “Do you think you could see yourself with me,” asks Ashley. “Uhh … well, I mean, if we fall in love.” Emphasis on the “if.”
4) Ash decides to shake that off and release their lantern into the night sky. Then they decide to make out a little. When they come up for air, they realize that the sky has filled with other lanterns just like theirs.
Excuse me … um, Taiwan? Did you rip off your tradition from one of Disney’s recent films?
Who saw Tangled? Just sayin’.
This might have had a shot at being more adorable if Ben or JP were there…
Ben and Ashley’s date
1) Ashley and Ben go on a moped ride around Taiwan. The good news is that Ben is adorable when he tells her he’s the happiest he’s been in a long time. The bad news is that he calls her “kiddo.” Pretty sure her request at the beginning of this season was to be called “cupcake,” and, although that is slightly nauseating and nearly as bad, it is not quite as disgusting as a man calling a woman “kiddo.”
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
The group date card arrives and is granted to Lucas, Ames and JP: “I’m grooming you for the big day.”
This means that Ryan has been granted the one-on-one date. His response to this news? “YES,” he exclaims while slamming his right elbow into the left palm of his hand. I’m not sure what kind of opposite-of-a-gang-symbol-because-you-are-too-dorky-to-be-in-a-gang sign that was, but it terrifies me.
Back at the date…
5) Ben and Ashley have relocated to a romantic dinner. Ben basically confesses his love to Ashley and admits that he gets butterflies in his stomach when he kisses her. Alright, a moment of truth: Ben is perfect. I know his hair is in the awkward stage between long and short, which causes it to flip out strangely above his ears sometimes, and I realize that he’s kind of dorky but … I think I’m in love with him. Marry me, Ben.
The next morning at the hotel…
Ben has still not come home from his date with Ashley, and things aren’t looking pretty over breakfast in the ol’ suite. JP has become unrecognizable. A demon has possessed the body of what was once a mild-tempered and tolerant, love-struck man. The new JP sits alone and in silence, his bulging eyes darting between the men. When he does speak, it is only to drop the f-bomb a dozen times before descending into mute anger once more.
JP with a murderous look in his eye.
Group Date
1) Ashley has planned yet another creepy, wedding-themed date for the men to enjoy. Lucas is given traditional Taiwanese garb to wear and, in true hick form, he dubs it a dress. Ames dons a glittery, pink and powder blue get-up that is, and I quote, “the offspring of an otstrich and Elton John” and is an excellent sport about it. JP gets to wear a traditional tuxedo.
Lucas: “JP has been acting like a little girl, so thank god he gets to wear the tux.”
My sentiments exactly, Luke.
2) Lucas and Ash kick off the shindig with a series of “traditional” photos. All is going well until Lucas leans in for a posed kissing photo.
3) Things continue to go downhill for JP during Ames’ photo shoot, and by the time it is JP’s turn to pose with Ash, he’s in a more foul mood than ever. He doesn’t get into it at all, and the photog struggles to get a picture of him actually smiling. “These are gonna be the worst photos ever,” Ashley murmurs under her breath. But we aaaaaaall heard it.
4) During the after-party, Lucas and Ashley sit down for a chat. I was pretty pissed off that I had to wear a dress instead of a tux for the pictures, he admits. Other than that, I had an okay time. Are you serious? Alright, I’ve had it. It’s time for these guys to man up. Did they forget what they signed up for? A reality show. Nobody is asking you to wear a Taiwanese dress on your real wedding, Luke. And everybody knows The Bachelorette macks on tons of men at once, JP. So, let’s all grow a pair and buck up, boys.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel…
Ryan’s date card arrives: “Let’s get a taste of Taipei”
“OOOOOOO BOY,” he squeals and claps his hands. Somewhere, a fairy is revived and a unicorn jumps over a rainbow.
Back at the date…
5) Ames shares some family photos with Ashley to get her hyped about visiting his hometown. “You are so well-rounded, beautiful and charming,” he tells her. “It would be fantastic for you to meet my family.”
Baby genius
6) JP sits down with Ashley. He is sweating profusely, and the veins in his forehead are popping. He tells her of the strong feelings he has been having and that he is in fact not as “cool as a cucumber” as she had hoped. Ashley finds his deranged demeanor refreshing and therefore grants him the date rose. Well played, JP.
Ryan and Ashley’s date
1) The couple begin their date by crashing a religious ceremony of sorts, and Ryan is blown away by the majesty of it all. People praying with all of their soul really gets me in the romantic mood, he admits to the camera. I fail to understand that.
2) The pair seek guidance from the matchmaking gods and throw a couple of bricks down. Apparently they landed on the wrong side, which isn’t a good sign. As far as Ashley is concerned, this was all she needed to know. Game over, Ryan. The bricks don’t lie.
3) Ashley and Ryan sit down for some lunch. “How do you feel about protecting the environment?” he asks her. Honestly, I don’t really care, but I’m glad that you do, she replies. Ryan frowns a little. “Well, don’t you know about water heaters,” he inquires. Ashley starts to cry. I just … don’t like you Ryan, okay? For the first time this season, Ryan stops smiling. “You don’t want to meet my family…?” Ashley avoids the question and the two hug it out.
And now, a brief monologue from Ryan:
“I just don’t want to be alone. I want to share this life with someone. [His breath catches in his throat, and he looks away from the camera. He gasps for air for a few moments and then turns away, disappearing into the bushes behind him. We hear his muffled curses to the Taiwanese matchmaking gods.] Ugh…you’ve got to be kidding me. Geeze, man. F***. Oh S***.”
Somebody get this man an academy award. Breathtaking, heart-wrenching and riveting, all at once. This performance beats out both Jake Pavelka and Jason Mesnick’s balcony cry. Only by a hair, though.
Don’t cry. Okay, do. It’s kinda funny.
Rose ceremony
1) Harrison greets the men and tells them that Ashley will not need a cocktail party to make her decision. As he is explaining this, a bright, golden figure slowly walks across a bridge in the background. What the – is that a Taiwanese phantom? A matchmaking god descending upon earth to have its wrath upon this blasphemous affair? Nope. That’s awkward Ashley making her way down to the rose ceremony in a gold gown.
2) She finally sends Lucas home. ‘Bout time.
3) Despite having made the absolute right decision, Ashley bursts into tears and tells the camera that she doesn’t know if she’s “cut out for this” and that she thinks she might be “making mistakes.”
Harrison? Could you come get this girl, please? We need you to set her straight. Thanks.
Interview with Emily from Brad’s season
1) Folks, this was a waste of time. We all saw what happened last season. Brad picked Emily despite the fact that she wasn’t really that into him and she has a bratty kid. None of us were surprised when the two of them broke up, but apparently, abc feels as though we are in desperate need of an explanation for their falling out.
2) “Everybody deserves to know what happened,” Emily says. “We aren’t engaged, but he will always be a part of my life.”
3) Yeah, so … what happened? Where’s the scandal? I guess it’s the thought that counts, abc, because we still don’t know why they broke up. And do we even care at this point? I’d venture to proclaim a resounding NO.
Until next week.