Friends and fellow fans, Monday night was an ugly affair. I blame Jeff. By unmasking the mystery of his face, he threw off the internal balance of the entire show. Seeing his wrinkled brow and sagging features left all of the men uneasy and might have contributed to William‘s temporary insanity, Ben’s incessant and rapid talking and the abc producer’s inability to make good judgment calls for group date scenarios. As for Bentley, well, there’s no excuse.
The atrocities of things to come are never foreshadowed by Harrison’s dashing appearance as he strides into the mansion at the beginning of the episode. He informs the men that there will be a group date and two one-on-one dates. He whips a date card out from his back pocket, flicks it at the men and is gone.
The card reads: “Ben C., love strikes in a flash.”
As Ben waits for Ashley to arrive, The Phantom begins to plot. He has made up his mind that he’s going to reveal his face, whether Ashley wants it or not.
Ben & Ashley’s Date
1) Ashley takes Ben to a dance studio, where she intensely rehearses choreography with him. Much like the wedding date in Vegas with William, it is lame. We are confused as to:
a) Why this would be fun for a first date
b) Why Ashley is constantly dancing on this show
c) Why this is even happening at all
Little did we know how important those early hours of the date were to the flash dance shenanigans to come…
2) After their rigorous rehearsal, Ash and Ben grab some frappuccinos and pop a squat on a blanket in a park. They might as well have been in a fish bowl because people are lined up along the perimeter of the park, taking photos and whispering behind their hands. Huh. I wonder what that’s all about.
3) After a few minutes, Ashley exclaims, “HEY. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we do our dance right now?!?” Ben is bewildered. He stares confusedly into her face, searching for any sign that this may be a joke, but Ash is dead serious. “Come onnnn! Nobody is watching us!” she says as a camera flash goes off nearby.
4) After a few minutes of begging, Ben sucks it up and agrees to dance. They start to do their choreography in front of their audience of bystanders in dead silence. Viewers across America nervously await to hear the hint of a beat, a guitar string, a maraca, anything to end this painful awkwardness. Finally, the music starts and the crowd bursts in around them and dances along. Ben looks relieved.
5) Afterward, Far East Movement performs and the flash mob forces Ben and Ashley to kiss. Then, they head to a hotel rooftop to have dinner. Ashley wonders if the fun-loving Ben at the flash dance experience will be the same as dinner-on-a-rooftop Ben.
6) The couple sits down and Ben immediately begins to talk. “Iwanttoliveinanunrealisticbubbleandiwanttoblowuptherooftheskyisthelimit.” Ashley stares wide-eyed with a frozen smile and waits for her brain to catch up with her ears….what is this man saying?!
Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
The group date card arrives: “Make me laugh”
Bentley gives a wicked smile to the camera. “Ashley’s diggin what I’m puttin out and I’m gonna go in for the kill.”
….is he going to literally murder her? I wouldn’t put it past him and I am concerned.
Back at the date…
7) Ben is still talking. “I want to marry someone who makes me feel what real love is. If we were dating in real life right now, I would totes text you and throw some emoticons in there.”
Ashley smiles and reaches for the rose.
“ohtherosethat’srightit’sthereohgoshidon’tevenknowwhattothink!”
Ben. Take a breath. And shut up, please.
Rose status: Granted
Group date
1) The men are waiting for Ash to come pick them up and The Phantom is doing what he does best, brooding on a balcony. When she arrives, he grabs her and takes her outside for the reveal of his face. “I think it’s time to do this. I have developed feelings for you,” he says. Ashley looks very confused because she has literally never spent time with him…. unless you count when he pulled her into a shadowed corner in the stairwell in the last episode.
2) He takes off his mask. The camera pans to a hawk, soaring above. Then to a….squirrel? Holding a cracker?! ”Hi. I’m Jeff,” he says. The camera zooms in on the beady and judgmental eye of the squirrel, still clutching the stolen cracker. Then to the hawk’s piercing glare.
……What?!
Ashley studies his face. Her conclusion? “He’s old.”
3) Unphased by the dramatic reveal of a failed mystery, Ashley skips back into the mansion to gather the men and head to the date. She takes them to a comedy stage and they are informed that they will be “roasting” her, aka ruining her life, in front of a live audience. Clearly, the abc producers have been jonesing for an opportunity to play on Ashley’s insecurities.
4) Most of the guys’ tummies hurt at the thought of poking fun at Ash. They are more than a little nervous and aren’t sure what to do. Only one man is practically writhing with glee at the idea of sucking the life from Ashley.
5) William grins from ear to ear as he explains to the other men that he’s always wanted to be a comedian so this is perfect for his career. He can’t wait for this to open doors to him roasting celebrities in a few short months. “This is my opportunity to finally be real with Ashley, and Oh, I’m gonna be real.” I think he’s caught a case of the Bentley.
4) The show begins, and Ashley sits in the throne of despair. The roasting begins. Ryan tries to make fun of Bentley but nobody laughs. Ames makes a paper mask and everyone busts their guts in hysterics. Jeff makes fun of Ashley’s small boobs. And then….William.
Poor Ashley is excited to see William perform. She had the best first date with him and he knows her better than all the men do. He whips out his first joke: ”I signed up to be with Emily or Chantal, who both have bigger boobs and are much hotter, but we got Ashley. Oh well.”
The audience gasps in horror and shock. The men shuffle their feet and fidget. Ashley desperately holds back tears.William laughs at his own joke and keeps going. “This wasn’t compliment Ashley night,” William says as he rolls his eyes. “It’s a Fing roast.” Nice, Will. Throwing in profanity always makes you look better in a terrible situation.
Roasted Ashley, holding her heart in pain.
I know I’ve dubbed many dates the worst date ever, but this literally beats all.
“Listen, I’ve got a great joke for everybody. Are you ready? I hate Ashley. Hilarious, right?!”
5) After the show, Ashley runs off to cry it out. Bentley sees this as a golden opportunity. “I hate it when people cry,” he says. “It’s really unattractive. But I’m here to get another rose, so I’ll do what it takes. Even if it means I have to hold back vomit at being so near to her. This is the perfect opportunity to mess her up psychologically.”
6) Ashley confesses that her biggest insecurity was that the men would be disappointed that she was the bachelorette instead of Emily. Bentley feigns surprise. “STOP IT!! You have everything. The body, the butt, the (holds back a gag) face…I mean, you have tiny boobs but they’re great….”
My jaw has hit the floor. This is the most evil man I have ever seen. Wes from Jillian’s season looks like a saint. “Of the 25 guys here, at least 24 of them were excited that it was you,” hey says with a villainous smile.
7) At the after party, everyone is scolding William for his terrible form and misconduct that evening. He looks like he might throw up and that he truly regrets his behavior. He takes off running down a city street to reflect on his choices.
8.) Back at the party, Ashley is in a daze. She is slightly aware of the fact that Jeff is explaining to her how he rescued a three-legged dog that was abused, but she can’t focus because of the emotional pain.
9) Ryan to the rescue. He says the perfect things: “Ashley, you are who I wanted here. I want to spend more time with you. I’m happy to be here with you. You are gorgeous.” He then goes in for the kiss. Well played, sir.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
JP receives the next one-on-one date: “There’s no place like home. Love, Ashley”
Back at the group date…
10) Bentley rubs Ashley’s upper thigh and she confesses that she was warned about him by Crazy Michelle from last season. He denies the accusations and seduces her with his apparent charm, which nobody aside from Ashley can detect.
“If you left, it would destroy me,” Ashley murmurs. Bentley smiles.
heinous.
GOODBYE BENTLEY
1) “I’ve been saying this from the beginning, her face is ugly,” Bentley tells the camera. “I need to be on the first plane back home, asap.”
2) Bentley says farewell to the men and they try to hold back the looks of joy on their faces. Their biggest competition is now eliminated. He feeds them the lie about missing his daughter.
3) “Emily is so breathtakingly beautiful. Ashley looks like an ugly duckling compared to her. I’m going to go make her cry, hope my hair looks good,” he says.
Ladies and gentlemen…this is not a roast. This is real life. This man is actually as sinister as he seems.
4) Bentley rolls up to Ashley’s house and tells her his rehearsed lie. “I miss my daughter more than anything,” he says as he strokes her face. “The thought of her wondering where her daddy is just kills me,” he whispers with tears in his eyes. This has just breached new levels of evil.
5) Call her crazy (and I will) but Ashley genuinely thought that Bentley was going to be her husband. She gasps for breath between bursts of tears nad anguish, “I don’t know how this is going to work for me now, I can’t just forget about you. I know I’m being selfish thinking that…I wish the end was like, tomorrow.” A scream catches in my lungs at the thought. Are you serious, Ash?! You don’t like anybody else?? Maybe all hope is lost on this woman.
6) Bentley is beyond annoyed at having to hold a crying girl. It really grosses him out. He’d literally rather be swimming in and/or drinking urine, as usual.
“I kissed her neck and tried to turn her on a little,” he tells the camera with lazy eyes. “She wrapped her legs around me and we were in the perfect position to start something (begins making smooching noises), but then I looked at her face and I was like….nah.”
7) He finally leaves and Ashley drags herself into her bed and contemplates smothering herself in the pillows before facing a life without Bentley in it. “WHYYYYYYYY” she wails dramatically. “HOW CAN I DO THIIIIS?!” I can’t believe I’m saying this, considering that I love this show but, spare me the drama. Please.
Ashley & JP’s Date
1) Poor JP has the task of following up both the worst date in the history of this show and Bentley’s departure. Ashley waits for him to arrive and sits in front of the fire, dying from heart ache in vain. If only she knew.
2) JP shows up with flowers and is the most precious thing we’ve seen on the show so far. Ash feels too crappy to look cute so asks if they can get in their pj’s. JP just happens to have his plaid ones with him, so it’s an ideal situation.
3) JP and Ashley makeout and Ash admits that he is better than Bentley in the kiss department. BOOM.
Rose Ceremony
1) Ashley is tearing up just looking at Bentley’s photo. She stares at it for a good 30 minutes, so Harrison decides he needs to step in and lay the smack down, as he is accustomed to doing.
2) Harrison interrupts Ashley in her moment of despair by taking her by the elbow like a caring and unusually debonair father. He’s got some hard-hitting questions up his sleeve. ”Let’s have a chat. What was it about this guy Bentley. I’m confused as to why you are freaking out right now.”
“I loved that guy,” Ashley says.
Harrison tries not to roll his eyes. “Are you sure you loved him, or just the idea of him? You confronted him about what Michelle said, did you not? And don’t you think she was right about him? I’m trying to drop you a hint, here.”
“Yes, but he left the relationship open-ended with a dot dot dot…”
Harrison almost chokes in his attempt to hold back a snort of surprised laughter. “Don’t you know that’s what guys do?! WAKE UP, sweetheart.” Harrison clutches the arm rests of his chair to keep from shaking her. “If it were really open-ended he would have fought to find a way to come back. But he didn’t. He walked away. There are men here that will fight for you if you don’t screw it up.”
And with that, Harrison sends Ashley off to the rose ceremony, where she saves William for last to teach him a lesson and sends Jeff, The Phantom, home. If you missed our last “Collegiette Talks Bachelorette,” catch up here.
Next week: The Bachelorette goes to Thailand. See you then.