While brainstorming ideas about this article I started to wonder if I was writing this for myself rather than other people. I came to the conclusion that I’m more writing this as a self reflection, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting people to be able to connect with me if they have these similar thoughts.
I spent a lot of my 19 years wondering what’s wrong with me, in fact I’ve even made lists and I’ve stayed up to ungodly hours digging and digging for answers. Everyone around me seems to either be content with being single or in a relationship whereas I’m just kind of wandering aimlessly. I compared myself (and still do at times) to the people around me and wonder how I can model myself off of them. I thought “well they’re in a relationships so they’re doing something right, I have to be like them.” I started losing bits and pieces of myself. I felt like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces that weren’t mine. I couldn’t do anything without thinking to myself, ‘if I do this different I’ll be noticed. If I do my hair this way I’ll find someone or if I hang out with these people I’ll find someone.’ My brain was filled with thoughts like these and there wasn’t much room for anything else. Every second of my life was just me comparing myself to others and finding everything that’s wrong with me because I thought once I fix everything I’ll finally find someone and be happy. Then I was told something. I told my therapist that I was trying to find what’s wrong with me and he asked me, “did you find it?” I said no. Then he said maybe there’s nothing to find. Maybe I’m digging for a treasure that doesn’t exist. To say the least, my mind was kinda blown. I never thought of it like that. I was looking for something I was never going to find and wasting beautiful days I can’t get back. I spent those days finding things “wrong” with me and trying to pin point what it was that was keeping me from a relationship I wanted so bad because I thought that would fill a void I made for myself. There is no void that needs to be filled by any one person, and there is nothing that needs to be fixed. These lists I was making was just going to get longer and longer and there isn’t enough duct tape in the world to try and “fix me.” I’ve learned that instead of making endless list of what I want to fix or change about me, that there are endless things right about me. I’m pretty, I’m resilient, I’m funny, I’m helpful. The list goes on and I’m so thankful I’ve discovered my “right about me” list. Maybe there was a void but I’ve decided to fill it with the right things about me! If you made it this far with my bumpy road of self discovery I encourage anyone who feels this way to first know you are not alone and there is absolutely nothing wrong with craving a relationship and a partner. But I’m hoping you won’t make the same mistake as me and spend unnecessary time dwelling on what you can change about yourself for another person. Everything about you is what makes you, you. Whoever that lucky person is will appreciate you for your authentic self, not what you’re trying to be or change. I’m still single and learning to love who I am and everything right about me.
HCXO,
Alanna
Image courtesy of giphy.com