With full time student teaching having finally began, I’ve learned one very important lesson already between August and now. The lesson is to use my own doubts to fuel my fire. With my anxiety, I’ve always been prone to letting “what if’s” take over my mind, especially at night. As the end of the first semester came and went, I began to get more fearful over break.
What if I don’t pass?
What if my lesson plans aren’t good enough?
What if I can’t control the classroom?
What if I FAIL?
What if……..?
It went on for days at a time. The more I prepared and mentally planned, the more I got scared and in doubt. It reached the point where I thought ‘is this the career for me?’ and ‘what would I do if I can’t teach?’ and those were very real fears and still are. I cried myself to sleep many nights because I could never feel a sense of calm or relief until January 4th on my first day substituting. It was my first time with Freshman and it was very hard. It got to the point where I had to make my first call to a principal for a student’s behavior. I left school that day crying to my boyfriend as I drove home because I felt like I failed. The very next day I substituted in a 11 and 12th grade class. It was so much fun and I connected with students. On my way home I was laughing on the phone with my boyfriend and he said to me “you sound so much happier than yesterday,” to which I replied “there’s good days and bad days.”
That was the first time that my mind let my fears about teaching go and I accepted my doubts weren’t doubts. They were just my emotions. Fear is a very powerful emotion. When I have fear in a classroom it presents itself as shakiness, feeling cold and twirling my rings on my finger. I’ve felt annoyance and happiness but fear became my predominant emotion. That isn’t a bad thing because for me, fear, anger and pride go hand in hand. My fears were in control until pointed out to me. Once someone else made me aware of it, I begin to fear anger and then my pride takes over and I am determine to prove them wrong.
Fear has become fuel to my fire. Maybe it is also pride now too, but for everyone who says “student teaching will become your life,” I will say no. Teaching isn’t my life and never will be. A fear I have is that it will, but I will never allow it to be. Teaching is a part of my life, but never will be the dedication of my life’s work. My life’s work will be the family I raise, the memories I make, the impact I leave on this earth and my career. My fear won’t be defined to one thing either. I have fears about fertility, family, faith, money, health and so much more.
I’m a human with natural fears and anxiety. Fear became a way for me to challenge myself. For every fear I have, the irrational part of my brain tells me that I need to prove myself and everyone else wrong. The part of me that went to therapy and learned healthy coping mechanisms tells me that these are just passing thoughts of my anxiety and I need to see them as a cloud just blocking the sun but blowing away soon.
Regardless of which insane version I see, fear isn’t the enemy anymore. Fear is fuel. Fear is your mind telling you can’t when you sure as hell can. Fear isn’t what’s stopping you from achieving your dreams, it’s other stuff. I can 100% say that the thing that drives me to achieve my dreams isn’t love or determination or anything like that. It’s fear, strength and lust. The fear of failure scares me into submission that failure isn’t an option. That submission to fear leads me to pull our strength I didn’t know I had to overcome it and to take the steps necessary to move forward. And the lust of my dream and chasing it is what keeps me reaching towards what I want. Fear is the root of my drive. I will never let someone validate my fears. They can validate my FEELING of fear but they will never tell me that my fears are what will come true or happen. So yes, I’m frequently afraid I cry a lot, but if you tell me no, I will tell you no and show you what yes looks like.
HCXO,
Cecilia