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I Don’t want to write this…

The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.

Hi everyone.

I’m going to come out and be very honest with you. I don’t want to write this. I don’t want to write anything. And I’ll tell you why.

On September 24th, 2022, [which is now referred to forever and always as “The Worst Day Ever”] I experienced the sudden passing of my boyfriend’s father. This wonderful man was honestly like another dad to me. He was basically my father-in-law already, and he most definitely was my father-in-love.

I am not going to get into what happened or how it happened or the pain or the ultra-personal aspects of “The Worst Day Ever” because frankly it is no one else’s business and it truly isn’t all my business to be sharing publicly. But I did want to share a lot of what I have been going through without over sharing personal things as well.

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My boyfriend Andrew’s dad, Jim, was the kindest soul I ever met. I called him Lemons because the first time I met him he ate the ENTIRE lemon from his drink, peel, and all. He was a jokester, a humble man, had a huge heart, and left the biggest hole in this world. I miss him very deeply. I miss everything about him. I miss all the things we still had to do. I miss him for Andrew’s sake. I miss him for the sake of Andrew’s mom and his brother. I miss him for all the little infinites we should have had. Knowing him for three years just isn’t enough for me.

Simply, I miss him, and I’m really sad/angry/depressed/shocked/heartbroken about it.

Lemonade
Jocelyn Hsu / Spoon

Many people tell me to remember the good times, and I am, but they also forget that there were hundreds of thousands of good times we still had to have. What will happen on our wedding day? Where will you be when we have your first grandchild? What will we do when we see the sun set over the ocean without you standing next to us in the sand? Who will pretend they slammed their face into a street sign just to pull a prank on me? Who will eat the lemon from all of my drinks when I literally never ask for lemon in my drinks? Who will be Santa Claus on the firetruck at Christmas?

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I am not totally sure about God or Heaven or any of that, but I’d like to believe it is real. If it is real I’m honestly pretty pissed off at that guy at the moment. At the very least I do believe that Jim can see us from wherever he is and that someday this will get easier. For me, I write him letters to help grieve and that has been a true blessing. It’s probably why I didn’t feel the need to write anything else in the month since this happened – I’ve already said anything I wanted to say, and it was to him, for him.

I feel very deeply for those who go through tragic loss such as this. It is so much different than an elderly loved one dying. Not because the death hurts any less, but because they are older and have lived full lives. To have this ripped away in the blink of an eye so early is shattering.

I also can honestly say that some of the people closest to me also hurt me in a weird, unintentional way. Everyone was very supportive and there for us during the week following “The Worst Day Ever” but then it’s like they disappeared into thin air. No one checked in regularly, or called, or asked to hang out and I know that a lot of people want space so the default reaction is to give grieving individuals space…I am just simply not that person. I crave togetherness and so this past month overall has been extremely lonely for me. I then remembered that this didn’t happen to my friends or those who I see regularly; this only happened to us, our family, our bubble, in our life. Grief can be so isolating.

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I miss you, Jim, our Lemons. We all miss you. I hope we are honoring your memory. I hope you can see us and are watching over. I hope I’ll get to see you again. I hope you like this article…I didn’t feel like writing it but I needed to write it at the same time. I someone reads this and feels like that maybe aren’t so alone if they are going through any sort of grief as well…hey friend, I’m Maddie <3

Whether you read this or not, thank you. Whether you know someone personally going through this or you don’t, be compassionate because through this experience I have come to see one thing: You truly NEVER know what is going on in someone’s life as they walk past you on the sidewalk; they could be having a marvelous day or they could be suffocating trying to hold in the tears. Please, be kind.

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Until next time…

HCXO,

Maddie Rose

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Maddie Engleman

Millersville '24

Hello! I'm Maddie Engleman; A bit about me, I am a senior at Millersville University this year (I am graduating as a super senior in 2024)! I am an Early Childhood Education major and am minoring in General English. I absolutely love kids, writing, reading, cooking/baking, and crafting with my Cricut. I also enjoy spending time around animals! I am really excited to be apart of such an empowering platform and to go out of my comfort zone writing pieces that impact people anywhere. Stay Crazy!!! HCXO ~ Maddie "I do believe something very magical can happen when you read a good book" - J.K. Rowling