Hey there. It’s crazy to think we met about a year ago. We went on our first date about a year ago. You were the one who I thought was going to change all of my expectations about this thing called dating. But you didn’t want that. You kept me at a distance, because you “weren’t looking” for a relationship. You kept stringing me along for about six months after you told me that…and then? You seemed to disappear off the face of the Earth, only to reemerge three months later, proudly displaying your girlfriend all over social media.
There are so many things I could/should say to you. However, all I’ll say is this. You taught me a lot, about myself and my strength. I’d like to highlight those things now.
- You taught me how to read between the lines
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You always used to say that you “weren’t ready” for a relationship or that you “weren’t looking for anything, at least for another year or two.” For me, seeing the pictures and posts with your girlfriend is what shocked my system into seeing what I guess I had been ignoring in the fine print of our conversations. Just a little tip: When you keep your true feelings inside, all the other person gets it hurt and confused. It took me way too long to realize that what you really meant is that you didn’t want that with me. Why didn’t you just say that outright? I would’ve been devastated, surely, but I would have understood. Whatever your reasoning, I’ve gotten better at deciphering what people really mean when they say things, so you actually helped me as you were hurting me.
- You taught me how to be clearer about what I want
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If my best friend hadn’t pressured me to give you my phone number, we would have never started talking. I wanted to give it to you, but I was scared. With that jumpstart, I also was the one who initiated conversations, and hey, I even set up our first (and only) date. You were always kind of beating around the bush, now that I’m thinking about it. Whether that was you just being an awkward boy or not, I’ll never know. However, talking to you and getting to know you gave me the confidence to just come out and say things. I told you straight up how I felt about you. I don’t do that. Ever. Since we’ve stopped talking, I’ve tried to be more straightforward with the people in my life. It doesn’t always happen, but hey, progress, is progress, right?
- You taught me how to pick myself back up
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Rejection is always hard, especially when it’s a slow one with no definitive end. When you ghosted me, I felt awful. I was convinced I had done something, said something wrong. I had to have done something wrong for you to not like me anymore. Not the case. Not at all. Sometimes people just don’t work out, and sometimes those people are just too scared to actually be a decent person and let the other party be aware of that revelation. It took me a good couple of months, but I finally realized that it wasn’t me. I worked on reflecting back and had to take a lot of long looks into the mirror to be able to say that it wasn’t my fault. I had to learn how to stand on my own again, and build back up what had crumbled. I’m forever grateful to my friends, who helped me with that even if they didn’t know it.
- You taught me how to be more confident
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While we were talking, I felt pretty. I felt seen. In my 21 years, you were my first ever date. You were the first guy to actively display an interest in me, or so I thought. I thought I had finally made it; my time was here. I found myself being more direct in both my text messages and my real life, I was even beginning to look into the mirror each morning and like what I saw. I felt like if someone as good looking as you wanted to talk to me, that I could do anything. When you were gone, I fell back down the rabbit hole for a while. Then, I remembered…at one point you had wanted to talk to me. Even if you didn’t now, there was a time when you did. As small as that may seem, it made quite the difference to this girl who’s been insecure since the age of 12. The day that realization came, I went straight to my bathroom sink, and looked at my reflection in the glass. And I thought, for the first time in a long time: “I am attractive. I am enough. I am enough now, and I will be enough for someone better.”
- You taught me it’s ok to let people go
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At first, when I noticed you weren’t responding as much anymore, I fought to keep you around. I would send texts, sometimes more than one at a time, every couple of days just to keep myself even on the furthest back burner of your mind. I tended to do this a lot, to try and keep people around who either don’t want, or don’t need to be in my life. After the first three months of your subtle ghosting (I know, three months?? I’m ashamed to even write that), I had to start telling myself that I had tried enough, and that if you still wanted things to continue on, you would contact me. And you didn’t. Another month went by, and not a word from you. The most unsettling thing was, though I could deal with the fact you didn’t like me romantically, I had thought we had a really decent friendship at the bottom of all this…and I guess I was wrong. I thought for sure I would fall back down the hole of anxiety, depression, and self-deprecation…but I didn’t. I felt good, great actually. It was as if I was seeing for the first time that when you let people go who truly want to leave, all you’re left with is relief. A weight was lifted. I didn’t have to try so hard anymore for someone who didn’t appreciate my efforts. That has come in handy a lot more often lately. If someone wants to be in your life, the effort will be mutual.
All in all, you taught me a lot about how to be a better me. So even though you don’t know that you helped, thank you. You unknowingly pointed me in the direction of becoming the person I want/need to be. With this experience behind me, I have been able to move forward using these lessons within existing relationships, as well as new ones. What I want you to get from this, whoever is reading this, is that though the waiting is hard, someone will truly come along who makes sense and is worth all the prior struggle.
Maybe that person will come along and I’ll find them. And who knows? Maybe I already have.
HCXO, Emily