As a sophomore in college and an aspiring writer, I know all too well how hard it can be to turn off the television, log off Facebook, and start working on an essay or class assignment. You open up that Word document, but no words seem to come to mind. You type the title of your essay and you take pride in knowing that at least you started something. You’ll get to it eventually, right? So you save your document, tell yourself you will get to it later, and decide to catch up on the Vampire Diaries. I mean, let’s face it, making sure you catch the episode when Elena and Stephan finally get back together takes priority over a silly homework assignment, right?
We all procrastinate and realize that getting started on something you really do not want to do is the hardest part. I’ll have to admit that I procrastinated in writing this first blog. However, it was not that I did not want to start writing this blog. Rather, I felt scared to start writing.
Scared that I would be bad at blogging; scared that people reading this blog would not like it, but then scared that people would not even read it and would not get a chance to decide if they like it or not; and scared of how I would feel once I dug up old memories and feelings that I have wanted to bury and forget about. I’ve been scared of feeling vulnerable.
But that is actually the reason I am starting this blog – to open up and share my experiences, no matter how vulnerable they make me feel.
Everyone has been bullied at least once in their lives. When I was in grade school, my mom signed me up for Brownies, thinking that I would make a good group of girl friends from it. However, the decision my mom made for me sort of blew up in both our faces. I became more involved in sports and enjoyed playing with the boys at recess. Even though other girls I knew played with boys, there was just something about me that made girls not like me. I’d make friends with a group of girls, trust them and open up to them, but then have them stab me in the back later.
This sounds like how typical girls can act; starting up drama, talking about other people, and then forgetting about it later. Funny how often stuff like that happens, right? Most girls (including myself at times) don’t realize how hurtful their gossip and rumors can be.
The bullying, name-calling, and mistreatment throughout elementary school left me feeling worthless with low self-esteem, and finally my mom had me talk to a school counselor that was available. Although things eventually got better throughout high school, I had lost a few friends from pointless drama, I had been heartbroken by people who I had thought were friends, and although I did not show it too often, I felt like my life was worthless and I was bitter towards those who had hurt me.
Now here is where my idea for this blog appeared.
I was able to bury my bitter feelings through the first year of college, but all that changed after living with my roommate this year. I had opened up to this girl, trusted her, and held the belief that she wanted us to be friends and wanted me to be friends with her friends.
However, by the end of the first semester, I felt like I was doing more of the work to feel included while getting very little back. Although I tried to discuss it with my roommate, she turned it around and began telling me all the things that I was doing wrong. By second semester, my boyfriend was not welcome in the room, I did not feel comfortable talking to my roommate, and there was definitely a change in how her friends treated me now that they knew my roommate and I were not really on good terms anymore.
It got to the point where I did not feel comfortable in my own room. When I was alone, I would cry until I felt exhausted. I felt alone, guilty for being a bad roommate and friend, and just wanted the pain to go away. It got so bad that I turned to the counseling center here on campus because I was afraid I’d end up losing all hope and see suicide as the only option.
Finally, I got myself out of that toxic and suffocating situation, but I have still been seeing a therapist to help deal with the anxiety and pointless guilt that I still feel about the situation. I still feel like all that happened with my roommate was my fault. However, I now realize that there was in fact, a better way out than turning to violence and suicide. I was not alone. I had options. There was light at the end of the tunnel that led to something better.
This is what I want my readers to get out of this blog. I know what it is like to feel like your life does not matter; to feel like you are invisible and do not have anything to offer to this world. I know what it is like to feel like no one is there for you – that while other people are out on a weekend drinking, partying, and having a good time, you are in your room on your own, feeling like no one cares about you.
But here’s the thing: It’s not true.
I want all of you who are reading to know that no matter how hard things get – whether it is bad grades, family drama, financial issues, or (especially) drama and bullying that leaves you feeling worthless – someone is always there for you. You are not worthless. Your life does matter, and there are people out there who care about you. You are unique, and you do have something to offer to this world.
I hope that when any of you start feeling alone and down on yourselves, you will turn to this blog and know that there is one person out there on Miami’s campus that understands how you feel.
However, I also know that while it is nice to know that someone understands, it is even better when that person is someone who you know and trust. So, while you will get to know me through the experiences I will share, I will also share a fun fact about myself at the end of each blog entry – because let’s face it, this is a pretty deep blog, so there needs to be some light hearted fun somewhere in here!
So here is my first fun fact and introduction to you all:
Hello, my name is Melissa. My favorite sport is soccer, and when I was a junior in high school my soccer coach did not know what position to put me because I was a skilled goalkeeper, but could also run and play as a decent midfielder, as well!
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Miami (OH) chapter.