Ladies, we did not come to college to find boyfriends or future husbands. We came to learn and prepare for successful careers. We came to grow and achieve goals.
But there’s nothing wrong with wanting to find love along the way. The tradition of Miami Mergers–students who find their spouses in Oxford–is long-standing and real. I’m not sure if it’s the beautiful campus, the fun nightlife, or the like-minded student body, but many alumni end up in happy life-long relationships.
I’m fortunate enough to have already found my merger, so here are my tips for finding yours!
1. Have a (short) list of qualities that you must have in a significant other.
Only include things that are 100% deal breakers. I reccomend this list be kept at ten bullet points or less. Some things on my list were: at least my height (not shorter), has career aspirations, appreciates my intelligence and sense of humor, shares my Christian faith, physically attractive, etc.
Having a list like this will help you evaluate whether or not the hottie in your Chem lab is even worth approaching in the first place.
2. Say yes to dates!
If a guy asks you out, say yes! Almost no exceptions. Even if you are on the fence about him, what have you got to lose? The worst thing that could happen is an awkward (but probably free) dinner. You might have the time of your life! The first two months of my freshman year, I went on four dates with four different guys. Was I seriously interested in any of them? No. But I had fun anyway and was able to learn what I like and how I want to be treated. You never know if the sweet guy on the second floor of your dorm could be your Miami Merger. It happened to me.
3. Know who you are and don’t lose it.
The longer you are in a relationship with someone, the more things you share. It is very important for your happiness and self-esteem to recognize the things that make you feel unique and interesting. For me, this includes cooking, reading novels, my career, and staying up on politics. If ever you feel claustrophobic or like you are losing your identity, you will be able to take the time to enjoy one of these independent passions.
4. Make sure there’s still going to be something to talk about in 15 years.
My husband and I can talk for two hours after a movie about the social ideas it challenges. We can spend the entire car ride home discussing the delicious dinner we just enjoyed. We fantasize about the exciting travels we will embark on in the coming years. These are things (unlike partying and gossip) that we will be able to share until we’re very old. Knowing that makes my future feel exciting, not tied down. Develop things like these to share with your Merger!
5. Be willing to make sacrifices.
This one sucks and there’s no getting around it. Ladies, we live in a time during which everyone expects to get what they want and thinks they deserve it. I’m telling you that what you want and what your significant other wants is never going to be 100% the same. If you want a relationship to work, you’re going to have to give a little (and can expect to get a little in return). As a college student, this can mean something like choosing to delay your travel aspirations (like me). Instead of studying abroad during my years here, I plan to make serious international travel a financial priority in my life. We both gave up a little of what we wanted: I gave up studying abroad and Nick gave up making choices about our future travel destinations. We both get to feel happy in some way about this decision.
6. Work on two underrated skills: encouragement and forgiveness.
Most things are forgivable. During college, guys can do a lot of stupid things. But if they come to you first and apologize genuinely, I suggest you forgive them. It’s hard and it can hurt your pride, but it’s often worth it. You will appreciate it when he does the same for you. However, if the same problems are recurring, you should think about leaving your relationship.
Encouragement is monumental for men. They need to feel good about themselves just like you do. If you think your potential merger is great, tell him so! Compliments go a long way for anybody.
So collegiettes, I leave you with my less-than-professional dating wisdom. They’re not perfect, and neither was the courtship with my Miami Merger. But if you are sincerely interested in falling in love with a Miami man, this is the best I have. And like I said, it worked for me!