Question of the week from: TornAndPressured
My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months, and things have been going really well. We were friends for about a year before we began dating, so we already knew each other pretty well before our relationship got more serious. I guess that’s why he has been pressuring me about sex lately. We’ve both been in sexual relationships before, but at least for me, I don’t want to have sex again until I’m in love. I care about my boyfriend, but I’m just not ready to take our relationship to that level. When we try talking about it, our conversations turn into arguments. This issue is seriously straining our relationship, and I just don’t know where to go from here. What should I do?
Her Perspective:
Sex is definitely a delicate subject in a still blossoming relationship, but it’s a topic that every couple encounters eventually. Unfortunately, there is no handbook you can follow that can give step-by-step instructions on how to work things out with your man, but hopefully I can shed some light on your situation and help you and your guy understand each other better.
First, I just want to say that it is okay if you’re not ready. It sounds like you’ve learned from your own past experiences that you want to wait until you know for sure that you’re in love before having sex again, and that’s a great reason to wait. Getting into bed with your guy for the wrong reasons will only complicate your relationship more, which is something you need to communicate to your boyfriend the next time the subject comes up.
I know, you’re probably wondering how to do this without the conversation spiraling out of control and turning into a nasty fight. However, while you’re feeling frustrated and upset, try and consider how your man might be feeling:
Since you two have known each other for almost two years now, he might be ready to share this experience with you, and doesn’t understand why you aren’t ready yet. It’s possible he might be just as hurt and confused about this as you are.
What you two need to do is stop misunderstanding each other, and the only way to do that is to sit down and really talk it out. In order to avoid another fight, try telling your man that you seriously want to discuss taking your relationship further, and that you are open to hearing his reasons for wanting to have sex.
During this conversation, you both need to listen to each other’s opinions without interrupting one another. It is also necessary to see where his heart is at in the relationship. This will tell you a lot about his motivations for wanting to have sex, and it may also help you decide when the right time will be to move forward in the relationship.
Finally, it is very important that you two discuss your past sexual relationships, if you haven’t already. The last thing you need to worry about is STIs, so get the conversation over with, and get checked if necessary, so that when the time does come both of your minds will be at ease.
My overall advice to you is to just continue talking about sex and your relationship. I have no doubt you two will eventually get to that stage in your relationship, so just keep communicating and I promise you will continue to have a healthy, happy relationship.
His Perspective:
Dear TornAndPressured, I am going to say right off the bat that situations like these can be very different for everybody, so it is very important to have good lines of communications with your boyfriend, since you obviously know him a lot better than me. However, I’ll give this my best shot!
You’ve had sexual relationships before, so you most likely know that a lot of guys can be quite obsessive when it comes to sex. It’s also important to know that some guys(and girls) do not think it is necessary to love someone before having sex with them. If your boyfriend falls into that category, then he might be confused as to why you seem reserved in regards to physical intimacy. A number of things might be going through his head; “Does she not find me attractive? Is she getting her physical satisfaction from someone else? Does she have no sex drive? etc.” Because of this, it is important to be very straight forward with him, and tell him in plain language everything you can. Explain your motivations: that you ARE attracted to him, that your decision doesn’t have anything to do with something he did wrong, and so forth. You don’t want to leave anything to his imagination.
Secondly, communicate! I might sound like a broken record, but I really can’t stress enough how important it is to have open, honest conversations with him. You should be baring your soul as to your motivations, and you should also be trying to learn as much as possible about him, and about why he gets upset about this topic. Is he not being satisfied sexually and physically? There are other means besides sex that can satisfy him there. Does he not feel like you want him? Tell him, and show him, that you do! There could be a number of insecurities that cause your conversations to become heated, and it’s important to pin those down.
Also, don’t get angry at him for wanting sex. It may seem like he only cares about that one thing at times, but know that it’s just very easy for that topic to control a man’s actions from time to time; thinking with “the wrong head” if you will. Guys do care about lots of things once that issue can be taken off their mind.
I’ve brought up a couple reasons that might be the cause of your arguments, but I am really just scratching the surface. I have faith that with good communication and a little bit of patience, you will have a long and healthy relationship.