How to Be the Bear
In light of the Mercer University football team’s recent crushing wins, against any school who has dared to step up, I have been plagued with some serious questions: “How do I show my pride? How do I prove myself to be a fan worthy of a football team so awesome? How do I – to borrow a popular phrase – be the bear?”
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it took a long stint of meditation up on the nearest mountain (the UC) and intense bout of questioning with the wisest guru in the world (Google) to bring back to you the knowledge I have gained. I will reveal to you how to be the ultimate super-fan. I will teach you how to be the bear!
Step 1: Conditioning your Body
It takes a strong body to be able to achieve the height of super-fandom. First, make sure that you’re giving yourself all the nutrients you need to take on the intense physical tasks that will prove you to be a true fan. Our cafeteria in the student center is the perfect place to go to gear up. Ready to take it a step further? Does the sign say “mashed potatoes” but you’re pretty sure it’s some kind of weird tofu thing? Find out. Eat it. If your body can handle that, your body can handle anything. So now your internal strength is at its peak – time to test your muscles. Walking to and from class is one thing, but can you make it all the way from Plunkett to Jittery Joes in five minutes? This is the challenge I pose to you.
Step 2: Condition your Mind
Once you’ve worked your body to exhaustion and proved that you can handle the intense physical conditions you’ll encounter in the stadium, it’s time to move on to your mind! You think you’re ready for reading all the Tweeting and all the Facebook statuses about the game, and for keeping up with all the action down on the field? In the state you’re in right now, your brain would probably melt from trying to take in all that information! The solution: spend all your time on MySpace. Delve deep into the most mentally challenging social media site to this day. Come back alive, and you’re ready for the game.
Step 3: Dress to Impress
So now you have the intestinal fortitude and mental acumen to handle whatever the football game has to throw at you. But you have to look the part, too. Head over to the nearest Goodwill and prowl the store for everything orange and black. Orange tie? Buy it. Black leather pants? Buy it. Orange sweater with a black cat on it with the words “Happy Halloween from grandma” emblazoned on the chest? The weather is turning cold, so you’re going to want to be warm-buy it. Then, head over to the nearest craft store and buy up their entire stock of orange and black paint. Heck, buy out their stock of red and yellow paint too, just in case you run out and need to make more orange. Before you put on your brand spankin’ new super-fan attire, paint yourself from head to toe. Remember, you are a super-fan. This is necessary.
Step 4: Grab Your Posse
At this point, you’re going to look awesome. The crowds will part as you walk to the stadium, and the stadium staff will meet your eye and nod, acknowledging the truth in your love of Mercer. You will leave everyone behind you with a small tear in their eyes. But to pump yourself up even more, bring your friends! Deck them out in all that free Mercer gear we get throughout the year, for they are in training to become like you. You, after all, have attained transcendence. You have risen above the casual student observer who leaves at halftime, and have become the fan all other demi-fans wish they could be. Be their guide. Be their leader. Create an army of super-fans to rule the bleachers.
Step 5: Be the Bear
This is the most important, the most challenging step of all. Let your posse/army of super-fans wreak school-spirit havoc on the tailgating zones, because this, you have to do alone. Go to the nearest forest and wander deep into its heart. It’s okay if you’re lost, just remain calm. Once you’re surrounded by trees and silence, wait. Wait as long as you have to until you find a bear. Or until a bear finds you. Fight the bear, wrestle with it, challenge it to a game of rock-paper-scissors. Whatever happens and above all else, you must win. Tame the bear and make it one of your posse.. Once you defeat the bear, you will be the bear. And then you can consider yourself a worthy Mercerian football fan.
Image sources:
http://about.mercer.edu/plaza/
http://www.chrisrsheridan.com/…