Growing up we’ve always heard phrases like, “there’s no place like home” but what if you can’t tell where home is anymore? Your home is meant to be familiar, and comfortable. You become accustomed to every part of it – the sounds, the smells, the people. As immigrants living abroad, we try to remain close to our cultures in any way we can, since it is our only connection to home. We spend time around people with similar stories, speak the language if we can, eat our favourite comfort food, and yet somehow that is never enough. Since we usually go home during summer and winter vacations, our homelands are like a fantasy that we are always drawn to, where nothing bad can ever happen. Whenever university is difficult, or work is stressful, we think back to the all-nighters we pulled with our cousins and the fresh ocean air. We dream about going back until we actually do, and the illusion shatters. The flaws of our homelands reappear temporarily until we are back in Canada and we start dreaming again.
Unfortunately, two summers ago, my own fantasy shattered indefinitely. It was the summer I realized I didn’t fit in with the Egyptians living in Egypt anymore. Even though I never actually lived in Egypt, it was always the place I considered home. I guess I considered it home because it was the place where I was born, and the place where the majority of my family lived. All I ever knew as a child was that Egypt is where I am from, where I belong. As a kid, I was constantly moving from school to school, country to country, never once feeling stable in the place I was in. By the time I was in second grade, I felt that the friends in my life were going to be temporary. The only real stability I had was Egypt. Every summer regardless of where I was, Egypt was my little sanctuary, my happy place. I’d like to think it still is my happy place (especially the beach), but now my love for Egypt is a little more complicated. As a person living outside of the country, there’s usually the assumption that I’ll go back and everything will be exactly the same. My distant relatives still make the typical “OMG you look so much older!!!” comment; the street dogs and cats are surprisingly still alive. The problem with thinking that time was frozen in Egypt, was that it wasn’t necessarily true. Sure, the animals, the stores, and the relatives were there, but this year, so many things were different. Something just felt off.
Firstly, people were not punctual at all – which I learned the hard way since I would show up on time and wait for my friends for a couple of hours. In Canada, I was known as the ‘late friend’, since I would always arrive at the last minute, while my friends would arrive at least 5-10 minutes earlier. Apparently, my Canadian ‘lateness’ was too punctual for Egyptians. Secondly, carrying a purse was now essential to complete an outfit. I couldn’t just stick things in my pocket – even if I only had my phone to carry. Even though fashion is a large industry in the West, it’s not taken as seriously here in Canada, as it is in Egypt. In Canada, if you were to leave your house in pyjamas, no one would think twice. Whereas in Egypt, every single person would be staring at you. But the biggest culture shock of all was that I didn’t understand the slang or the jokes anymore. I’ll admit, sometimes, it was my own stupidity, but let’s ignore that. I remember one incident where I was walking around the mall with my friend, and we were discussing the change in my hijab style. Since the last time I saw her, I had gone from a tight wrap style, which I thought made me look like an egg, to a more loose-fitting style. As I was explaining that to my friend in Arabic, I mentioned the egg analogy, and she burst out laughing, telling me to never use the word egg again. Turns out, it’s an insult in Egypt! I was basically calling myself annoying over and over again in my analogy. Up until that moment, I had absolutely no clue. Even though this is only a tiny example of culture shock, it was my turning point.
I came to the very obvious conclusion (a little too late), that Egypt was moving forward without me, and I was also moving forward whether I wanted to or not. I was slowly becoming like an alien. After living in Canada for 10 years, it had become my second home. Over time, my mannerisms began to reflect the culture here instead of the culture there. At first, I felt upset over this to the point where I spent three months in a row in Egypt this past summer, to try and integrate myself into the culture again. I wanted so badly to be exactly like the Egyptians who lived in Egypt; I didn’t want to be known as an “outsider” amongst family and friends anymore. I wanted to be able to speak Arabic without English words being in the middle of my sentences. I was trying so hard to destroy something that was inevitably part of my identity because I felt like I was losing my first home.
However, as I continued my stay in Egypt, I found myself missing my friends who were always on time, the ones who would wear sweatpants and slides without being considered ‘underdressed’. I missed driving in circles at night because everything except for the 24-hour McDonald’s was closed. There were good things in Canada too; I just had forgotten them for a while because I was so consumed with wanting to live in my Egyptian fantasy forever. Don’t get me wrong I still struggle with feeling like I am too Canadian for the Egyptians and too Egyptian for the Canadians. But I remind myself that as immigrants, our experiences are unique.
There is beauty in every culture and we don’t need to limit ourselves to one because we can be in between. By having different upbringings, and experiences within our cultures, we bring unique perspectives into whatever world we live in. The culture shocks we face teach us new things about both ourselves and the people surrounding us. It’s a way to reflect on our lives and compare them to others in order to grow our knowledge and help people in our communities learn and grow as well. It’s okay to feel like you are in between cultures, many of us are – it just means you have multiple homes to go to!