I am a true believer that each person you fall in love with serves a purpose in your life. Looking back on my past relationships and the many times I used the word “love”, I realize I have only ever been “in love” a total of two times. This being said, there have been many people I was in a relationship with who I loved as a person and genuinely cared about.
The first time I ever truly knew I was in love was my freshman year of high school. There was just something about the way I felt when I not only saw her, but when I thought about her. The two feelings were the same. Everything about her seemed to give me that rush feeling. I often had her on my mind and every time I sat beside her, my heart just knew. It knew that was exactly where I wanted to be, and I wanted to always be there. The only problem about this feeling was how religious she was. I knew the way both of us felt was absolutely wrong and against everything she believed in. Even while knowing it was wrong, it felt so right.
Eventually my heart as well as hers had been broken. We eventually knew whatever it was we had, we needed to leave in the past. It was time to walk away from everything we had ever dreamed of becoming. Even though the moving on process was difficult, it taught me a lot. With her I came to love the quote “Some people are meant to fall in love but not meant to be together.” There was nothing we did wrong and though we wanted it, it just was not ideal. I was also able to learn how to love someone for the person they are. Without her playing such a huge part in my life, I would have never had some of the heart-to-heart conversations or new experiences that changed my outlook. As a lesbian and someone who did not grow up in a strong religious family, I never thought to read the bible. With her though, I never thought twice about not reading the bible. I knew it was important to her and a strong part of what made her who she was, so it became important to me as well. I learned that sometimes when you love someone, you have to adapt, adjust and compromise rather than taking that aspect of their identity away from them.
The second time I fell in love, I fell hard and passionately. This love was different, because there was nothing from preventing us from being together. I knew from the moment she wrapped her arms around me for the very first time that she was going to steal my heart and change my life. Recently having my heart shattered into a million pieces, you would think I had been smarter about wearing my heart on my sleeve. Well, I wasn’t. From the moment she wrapped her arms around me I knew she was going to be worth it all. She was worth all of the pain in the world, and then some. She quickly became the love of my life and the person I would risk it all for. She also changed my life in ways I can not even begin to express.
She changed my life mentally and physically. I became a much stronger person when I was with her. She taught me that some pillows and towels are just for decoration, what the best face wash is, how to play ping pong, how to love fully without fear, how to trust, how to look at the positives in all of the negatives and, most importantly, how to be myself. Before her, I was a total mess. After her, sure, I was a total mess again—but I was a more put together mess. I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life. I knew there was more to life than love. I learned how to appreciate the small things in the same way I appreciate the big things, especially when the little things are all that I have.
Now, I don’t know what or who is going to come next but I am happy with where I am in life. My heart is still taken by her, but I am stronger now. I know I am ready to feel put together and ready to conquer everything that comes my way. I can not wait to see where the life I have chosen for myself takes me as well as the lessons it will teach me.