Today while wondering how to torture my boyfriend’s penis, I dug around for an old issue of Cosmopolitan, the well-known monthly magazine that while on occasion offers some kama sutric words of advice, more often instructs women on the art of inflicting hospitalizing testicular pain.
Cosmopolitan (which typically goes by the moniker “Cosmo”) is the ultimate name-drop—as if alluding to some otherworldly, godlike figure or the oracle of Delphi. Similar to how mid-western American Christian fundamentalists adduce the name of God to propagate homophobia, girls increasingly seem to preface sexual interactions with “Cosmo told me to [insert testes-shriveling action].” Girls feel justified to do this because strangely enough, Cosmo’s tips are delivered through the mouths of a seemingly infinite stock of male disciples with weird names like “Beckett” and “Reggie.” It is my personal belief that these are all Charles Dickens-type Miss. Havashims, old and bitter spinsters spurned early in life who are trying to build a network of ill-informed girlfriends around the planet[1] to mete out systematic revenge. Unfortunately for men, this plan has kind of worked—Cosmo has become the eminence grise of the sex world, informing the decisions of thousands of eager young (and old) women.
I went to www.cosmopolitan.com to find out more. The website is very user-friendly and even has a “Print this Tip” button, which I found to be a little overwhelming (do people use this?). Edifying highlights have been placed into relevant categories:
Mildly Amusing but Mostly Uncomfortable
This section is mostly devoted to Cosmo’s obsession with the perineum, the region between a man’s anus and testicles, which is referred to in popular vernacular as the “gooch.” Cosmo tries really hard to sneak in a gooch tip in every issue. Guys do not like this. At all. Pressing down on the perineum is a fictitious force, sort of like centrifugal force but more uncomfortable according to the informal survey I took among my guy friends. The general consensus is that if you think guys actually like this, you are probably unfit for reproduction. Here are some examples of Cosmo’s obsession with the gooch:
“Have me lie on my stomach then wet the skin below my butt with your tongue. Blow on it.” –Beckett, 33
This guy is 33 years old, and that’s his favorite sex thing: getting his gooch blown on. Let’s just think about that for a moment.
“I like when the spot behind my balls is shown a little love as I climax. Massage me firmly with your thumb. It takes the experience to another level,” –Kevin, 35
To another level….of discomfort that would probably be symbolized by a tight-lipped smiley face on the doctor’s office door’s pain scale.
“When your man is really close, lightly roll your knuckles between his balls and his back door.” —Tobias, 30
Translation: when he is really close, but has done something to annoy you in the past 48 hours, fist his perineum. This will ensure blue-balled resentment against your acute revenge.
Similarly: “Place your fist knuckles-up against the area right behind his testicles. Quickly shake your fist to send powerful vibrations into his prostate gland (aka, the male G-spot).”
This is the more evolved version of Tobias’ tip (above). If your partner has been sufficiently acclimated to the trauma of a Che Guevara-esque fist to the gooch, now, you can graduate from gentle kneading to revolutionary fist-shaking!
“Press his perineum repeatedly. This will make him orgasm.”
Straight from the mouth of Cosmo and to the point. If you didn’t get it before, now you do.
Probably a Five on the Dolorimeter
These are tips that have passed the threshold of uncomfortable and have ventured into the territory of actual pain—the sort of pain that people who are into BDSM probably indulge in during lighter moments of foreplay. If you are of that ilk, feel free to try these out on your partner. For the voluptuaries among you, you should probably stray away from experimenting with any of the following tips.
“Instead of taking me straight into your mouth, hold the base of my penis and nibble the sides.” –Reggie, 24.
Reggie, no! You’d think that at 24 Reggie would have an inkling about what feels good and what patently…doesn’t. He would probably also liken a women’s breasts to sandbags.
“My girl would use marbles to tease me with in bed. She’d casually scatter them over the bed sheet and then as we get it on, I could feel the cool marbles press against my hot skin. It’s a wicked sensation.” –Greg, 21
Unless Greg is one of those wrinkled Indian mystics who sleeps on a bed of nails at night, I have a hard time imagining how any pleasure can be derived from rolling around on a layer of hard glass balls.
Briefly Disabling Pain
Sensory impairment, diabolical testicular manipulation—Cosmo has it all! Following these tips will lead to minor but debilitating pain that will be throbbing to the creepy beat of “Cosmo told me to…”
“The most amazing oral sex I’ve ever had was from a woman who jiggled my balls back and forth with her hand, like she was shaking dice in a cup. I thought I was going to explode!” –Curtis, 33
Explode from what, exactly? Being treated as if the exquisitely sensitive incubators of the seeds of future human beings were dice in a game of Trouble? That can be popped at will? Seriously, they may be called the “family jewels” but they are not a little coin purse of change you can just jiggle when you feel like it. This is dangerous, and not to be performed at home.
“When on top, lean forward, and cup your hands over his ears. Depriving him of this sense will heighten the others.” –Mary, 29
Sometimes it seems like all the worse tips come from the girls. Mary is probably approaching some sort of mid-life crisis right before she turns 30 and can’t really think lucidly. Now that her husband has a temporary auditory impairment, she probably vents her frustrations regarding the approaching mid-life crisis while he crescendos to the fuzzy background noise of cupping your ears to a seashell. Might be soothing, actually.
“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.” –Cindy, 32
Blow his mind…and his nose! But don’t. Sneezes expel mucus and spread diseases, and don’t feel orgasmic.
Violations of Basic Constitutional Rights
Also known as “cruel and unusual punishment,” this last category is reserved for moments of sheer Cosmo madness. There is no explanation for these acts of unalloyed sadism.
“Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.”
Ah, the notorious Indian Rug-burn. Pretty scary stuff that is usually done to stones and sticks to a get a fire going, now administered on a penis.
Similarly: “Dab lube onto your palm, cup it over the head of his penis, and twist gently but quickly, like it’s a tiny doorknob.” —Becky, 26
Making metaphors for penises out of household objects (see below) is a good indicator that something catastrophic is about happen. Tiny or small, whatever doorknob I have ever encountered has been twisted and pulled emphatically and with purpose. Unlike a doorknob, a penis has the greatest concentration of nerve endings at the tip. Read: handle with care.
“Move my penis all around like an old-school Atari joystick – up, down, side to side, in a circle.” –Anonymous
This reminds of the game “Bop-it,” but if the main handling device were a delicate male organ instead of funky plastic shapes. So just imagine following randomized commands to hit, twist, or pull a poor guy’s penis. It was fun when you were ten, but we’re all adults now: don’t do this. This is guaranteed to elicit a very lachrymose reaction from the owner of this so-called joystick.
“Very softly bite the skin of his scrotum.” –Karen, 26
This under the heading of “Scorching secrets from sex experts.” Don’t be misled by the “softly” bit: this is inserted to try to mitigate the fact that Cosmo is encouraging its readers to essentially masticate the protective covering of a man’s testicles.
“It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren’t that sensitive. We need you to get a little rough with them – squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab on to it like you’re milking a cow. You may think you’re hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he’d request more, more.” –Steven, 23
This is a literally unbelievable piece of advice that reduces men to bovine creatures apparently devoid of pain receptors. There are just so many things that are wrong with this tip that my mind is too boggled to elaborate. If you have paid attention thus far you should know this type of behavior should be avoided at all costs.
Special Mentions
Just a few more ludicrous tips from the Cosmopolitan think-tank:
“When you’re near the point of no return, whisper four-letter words into my ears – the really dirty ones.” –Fred, 23
Oh, Fred—you’re so crazy. I feel like the logistics of that are really complicated—how many four-letter words can you string together in a sentence that will have the parse-able and dirty effect Fred wants?
“Treat your guy to sex under the water. With your bodies feeling so weightless, every thrust has 10 times the usual force.” –Mark, 29
Mark has obviously never taken Physics 101. It may also feel like you’re being water-boarded.
And last but not least….
“Clip out this article, circle tips you know would push his buttons, and mail it to him anonymously.”
If this article has been of any use, this should immediately be recognized as a death threat. If you are a guy and receive one of these, you should probably change your name and address and move far, far away.