“You’re so cute. You’d be perfect to fulfill my Asian fantasy” – Tinder Message
Alright.
Let me start this off with the fact that I know that guys often have to put way more effort into dating apps, especially when it comes to the first message they send. Dating apps, whether it’s Tinder or OkCupid, are strange yet wonderful places to meet people you might never have had the opportunity to meet before. I’m no stranger to these apps – I’ve had good relationships from them and met people I would consider life-long friends, so at this point I have a solid understanding of what the “right” kinds of greetings are when I’m looking to talk to someone on these apps.
That being said, why would your first message to me or any girl be one that belittles us?
If we were friends, take a crack at an Asian joke and that’s fine with me because I know you well enough to know you don’t mean it seriously, but when someone thinks it’s okay to send me a greeting based on my ethnicity, it feels like they are reducing me and entire cultures into a flawed fantasy. You’re essentially telling me right off the bat that you expect me to be subservient, demure, nurturing, eager to please, thin, and modest. (Such is the typical Southeast/East Asian stereotypes I’ve heard of anyway.) Regardless of whether or not I am any of those things, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth about your biases, expectations, and overall respect for people.
Here are just two examples of the messages I’ve received, and you can bet they never got a reply. There have been others, but let’s just say they’re definitely unshareable:
Really? REALLY?
While I’m sure this person had no real ill intentions with his comment and was trying to be “nice,” it’s still unnerving and leaves this weird expectation floating around.
I know this is obviously not the case for every man, but the fact I am still able to hang out with my girl friends and swap stories for hours about how we’ve been judged on based on what people expect is saddening. (Case in point: a friend of mine being berated for having “no ass or tits for a black girl” and another for being “too curvy for an Asian.”) Here’s a quick Ethnicity 101 lesson: How you look has nothing to do with how you behave or what your culture is. The fact that people who look the same might act or think similarly is generally correlation, but it is not causation. And surprise, surprise, because of globalization, cultures and values have mixed together, making that correlative effect even weaker.
Actually being a “nice guy” involves thinking about other human beings complexly and being considerate of their feelings. Everyone deserves to be seen as more than just a one-dimensional character and to be understood based on something more than their looks. I am proud of my heritage and the place my parents are from, but I do not want to be treated differently based on a fantasy. By definition, a fantasy is something unreal and irrational. Remember that the next time you try to reduce anyone based on their ethnicity or race.
Images are the author’s own.