You may remember the summers we spent together. You may remember the vacations we took with each other’s families, or the sleepovers, or the birthday parties. You may remember the weeks at summer camp we spent with each other, barely leaving each other’s sides. You may think that one day, I just decided that I didn’t like you anymore, or that we drifted apart, or that I just had a problem with you.
You don’t remember all of the pain you caused me.
You don’t remember the times I stood up for you when nobody did. You don’t remember the half-year spent with only us at a lunch table together because people didn’t understand you. You don’t remember the times I called you crying, or you called me crying. You don’t remember me doing everything in my power to make sure you felt comfortable with my group of friends when we did switch lunch tables.
Because if you did, you wouldn’t have done the things you did to me.
You wouldn’t have spread the rumors. You wouldn’t have almost gotten me kicked out of a play I put my heart and soul into. You wouldn’t get mad at me for missing school because my shitty immune system gave up on me. You wouldn’t have ditched me for your new friends, because suddenly I wasn’t good enough for you even after all I had done for you. You wouldn’t have turned into a bitter person who spewed hate out of your mouth, but made it sound sarcastic, so others around you didn’t think you were actually insulting them. They thought you were funny. I thought you had become a monster.
You wouldn’t have made me feel worthless.
But I’m not upset.
I was. I was so upset. I was so broken. I was so depressed that I went to doctor after doctor to try to fix me. And I’m still not over everything you did to me. I still hold a lot of bitterness in my heart. But I do not hate you, and I am not upset.
Because you made me stronger. Because you made me second-guess who I could trust. Because you made me realize I couldn’t give my entire heart to everyone I came into contact with. Because you made me realize that just because I gave my all to someone, it didn’t mean that they would give their all for me. Because you made me think much more about the actions of others. Because you made me understand that people can change. And because you made me who I am today.
Although a bitterness still burns within me, even after eight years, I forgive you. Because I wouldn’t trade the happy memories you left me with for the world. And I would not be the strong person I am today if I hadn’t needed to haul myself out of the mud and dirt that you pushed me into.
You may not remember. But I do. And I thank you. For everything.