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Six Reasons Why I’m Not A Common White Girl

Everywhere you look, there will be a common white girl (CWG). She can usually be seen cutting you off in her baby blue convertible, loudly singing her favorite Katy Perry song. They are an interesting species, and tend to travel in packs, so if you spot one, others will surely be in the vicinity. Just be forewarned, race itself has nothing to do with it. Rather, CWG is a way of life – a life I am not living. Here’s why.

Getting ready in the morning

I’ve gone through a phase of feeling like I had to wear makeup (read: eyeliner) in middle school, but that sentiment vanished when I realized how much work it was. I know what you’re thinking: ain’t nobody got time fo dat, but guess what? Common white girls do! The effort they go through to paint their “ideal” faces on top of their actual faces is both amazing and horrifying.

Then, they have to leave time to do their hair. How do you even do hair? Do you hair? Yeah, I hair. I often shower in the morning following a workout, and all I do to my hair is a simple blow dry so I can be a presentable human, which takes me all of five minutes. Common white girls, on the other hand, have to dry, straighten/curl, spray, straighten/curl again, and then kill what might remain of the O-Zone with one last spritz of hairspray.

Fashion

I have almost no style; I can admit that. My “style” consists of the three T’s: Target, thrift store, and trash. The last one’s kind of a joke, kind of. A CWG either has impeccable style or is sporting the token outfit: leggings, Uggs, and a North Face jacket. I don’t own any of those – well, I do own tights but I rarely wear them when not working out.

Accessorizing

Accessorizing makes total sense to me, and clearly not just CWGs accessorize, but few people do it quite like them. They have necklaces, bangles (which are bracelets I’ve learned), earrings, ear cuffs, and the list just goes on. Sometimes, they have the same jewelry, but with one minor difference between the two. However, a CWG does not like being told the metal necklace she’s currently wearing looks a lot like the one she had on ten minutes ago but had to change because it didn’t go. Sure, I own jewelry, but I almost never wear it. Though, every once in a while I’ll sport my famous mustache necklace (see: my Her Campus author page picture).

Likewise, common white girls go cray for their bags – they also say “cray” without being facetious. What kind of bags? Big ones, small ones, all around impractical ones. Some are so big the CWG can never find anything in them or so small she can’t even fit her dad’s credit card. Okay, that was a low blow, and I apologize; some common white girls build up their own credit history.

Whispering

If there were a competition of who could talk the quietest, the CWG would take the cake, especially mid gossip sesh. One of the main reasons why I don’t talk behind people’s backs is because I’m terrible at whispering. Also, it’s wrong and I’m a good person and all that, but mostly the whispering thing.

Plus, anyone who knows, or has been within a 200 foot radius of, me is fully aware that I’m a loud talker (my defining-adjective-name is “Loud Alice”) but I know plenty of loud girls who can whisper with the best of them. #icant. No, but really I cannot. I’m actually not able to.

Screaming

On the opposite end of the speech volume spectrum is screaming. You would think that I, a self-proclaimed loud girl, would be a master screamer, but that’s actually not the case because CWG screaming is incomparable. It has less to do with the sheer volume than it does with the pitch. A CWG screams for any and every emotion: happy, upset, hungry, what have you, and they all sound like that one X-Men character whose power is a sonic scream. Needless to say, Siryn was a common white girl.

Obsession with Disney princesses

The only Disney movies I will voluntarily watch are Mulan, Pocahontas, and Hercules. For Pixar, my list consists of The Incredibles and Brave. Sorry not sorry, Tangled and Frozen fans/all common white girls. I just did not find them that captivating. Even though Frozen has some amazing plot segments that are way beyond any other cartoon, I just couldn’t get into it, so please “Let It Go.” 

Alice is a senior studying information technology at Marymount University in Arlington, VA. She spends her free time live tweeting her myriad uncomfortable encounters, making untimely puns, and thinking that her taste in music is better than yours. She is currently an indentured servant at a local non-profit, also known as an unpaid intern. Summer is her least favorite season and she is not sorry 'bout it.
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