Dear Her Campus,
I’m having serious boy trouble. I hooked up with a couple guys and now all I’m the school slut. It’s college after all?! I really like MU, but I’m really considering transferring since people keep talking about me. What should I do?
— Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, thanks for submitting a question to us. I’m happy to help you in the best way I can.
Gossip is one of the worst parts of being in school at any age. One way to look at your situation is that you are simply exploring and expressing your sexuality in college by participating in hookups. Hookups are actually one of the most cliché expectations of the college experience. A lot of people come to college thinking that this is just “what you do.” What you’ve written implies to me that you equate being in college with partaking in hookups, yet this perception is not held by everyone across the spectrum. Of course, there is no judgment here because a lot of females in college have done exactly what you did, and then the same thing happened to them, with regard to gossip and cattiness, etc. Now, after expressing your sexuality through hookups, you have experienced negative personal ramifications, as you are currently seeking advice.
Hookups are celebrated for guys, but not for women. It’s challenging for women to take part in casual sexual activities because, as you have seen, it generally reflects poorly on their reputation. Promiscuity is something people frown upon. And, as you have recently discovered, at a small college campus like Marymount, word travels quickly about “the who, what, where, etc.” It may be easy to make friends at MU, but the cliques and labels start in your first semester. That being said, while the social aspect of college is important, it’s not the whole enchilada. I.e., it’s not everything. You came to Marymount for an education, right? My initial recommendation is to start getting to know guys, and then potentially dating them, as opposed to solely hooking up. Because, when you are surrounded by a small crowd- of course, people will talk about you. This is a safer route, protecting your reputation. Focus on your studies, make connections with positive people, and become involved in clubs and causes that are interesting to you, as opposed to stressing about what other people think.
One of the reasons why I suggest avoiding casual sex is that it puts you in a very vulnerable position. From the way you feel afterwards, to what others have to say about it, casual sex typically is a “high five” for the dude and a “slap in the face” for the female. Why? Whether you become attached to these guys or not, they will probably tell someone else what happened. And then, those said people will talk about it. If possible, try to create a thicker skin in the meantime, with an attitude that says, “Whatever. I’m awesome and simply doing what I want to do. If you think I’m a slut, then too bad for you. Why do you care so much about my life and decisions? Is your life so empty that you feel the need to critique mine?” If hookups are something you plan to continue, then this may need to become your mantra. Think it over.
People put others down to make themselves feel better. It reflects more poorly on them than it does on you. Gossip itself, in my opinion, is not enough of a reason to transfer to another college or university. People talk! It’s like someone deciding to leave MU because they didn’t like Composition 101, before taking any advanced classes. It’s your choice how you are affected by what you hear people saying about you. See how this semester goes, and if you don’t feel any better, then sure, transfer if you like. (People might talk about you at Georgetown, American, George Washington, Catholic, and George Mason, as well… EX: “Did you hear that transfer hooked up with Joe Shmo?”) Yet, from the way your question is presented, it sounds like you are only in the beginning of your college experience. While I could be wrong, if this is the case, then tons of improvements can be made within the next few years.
Again, focus precedes success. So focus on being studious in the classroom, the super-involved girl in student organizations, and create a mindset where you are less affected by the thoughts of others. Of course, get out there and go on dates, but guard your heart at the end of the day! An analogy would be to give the guy a piece of cake, but not an entire platter of desserts, especially when he doesn’t deserve breadcrumbs. (Remember, *analogy*) Show some mystery, and develop standards for how guys should treat you.
It’s challenging to avoid gossip, especially as a resident student at a small, Catholic university. You aren’t the only girl at Marymount who has hooked up with multiple guys on campus. So, I’m sorry that you feel targeted as a negative conversational topic. However, I would also like to stress that this too shall pass. I don’t think that gossip should lead you to transferring, unless you feel completely ostracized. The latter is really not fair to you, and is essentially a mere distraction from more important pursuits- mainly your education. It might seem like it’s easy for me to say “toughen up,” but I do believe that if you handle this correctly through fostering your own confidence and self-worth, it will get better.
One last takeaway I have is that while you might “think” everyone thinks you are the school slut, most people at Marymount probably don’t know who you are. In general, most people are more concerned with their own lives. In other words, NBD. Don’t worry about it.
Sincerely,
Julita Cardenas