In approximately five minutes, he’s going to round the corner, wearing a T-shirt despite the winter weather advisory, and then our lunch date will begin. He’s going to tell me about some laundry ordeal that ensued last night after I went to sleep. I’m prepared; I’m ready to laugh because it’s a hilarious story, even though I’ve never heard it.
Do I have psychic capabilities? I’ve always credited luck and a remarkable gut instinct, but even instinct doesn’t predict the future as accurately as I just did. The source of this phenomenon: a cell phone, with unlimited texting capabilities, unlimited opportunities to stay in the loop, and zero opportunities to taste spontaneity – that’s just not part of today’s data package.
Communication is expanding the limits of the physical and virtual worlds. As a result, it is also affecting the dynamics of intimate relationships. But are these changes for better or for worse?
I check my phone one last time before he rounds the corner, wearing a T-shirt and a frazzled facial expression. We hug, but there’s no sheer excitement to be in each other’s company again. There’s no introductory conversation; the conversation began two hours ago when we woke up, rolled over, and sent each other “Good morning” texts. Arguably, the conversation never ended the night before.
Indeed, text messages are convenient when they alert people of unexpected events or a sudden change of plans, and they can be beneficial for people who are constantly on the go. Junior English major Kyle Moore is no rookie when it comes to intimacy – and yet, in his current relationship of seven years, text messaging plays a background role.
Moore remarks, “Since we both work and have school we use text messaging as a way to send off a little message and know that the other person will be able to read it and respond when they get the chance.” Moore and his girlfriend may not have succumbed to the pressures of fast-paced, technology-driven society, but he admits that text messaging does have its pitfalls. For one, “inflection and tone are hard to communicate via text,” he says.
Moreover, and Moore over, text messages aren’t typically limited to the purposes mentioned above. In fact, most of the time, we generate a constant stream of “small talk” and random chatter throughout the day. Junior theater and Spanish double major Alli Wolf estimates that 90% of the 100+ texts she sends in a given day are “pointless” or “just for fun,” with the other 10% relating to plans or schoolwork.
Senior bioengineering major Michael Lal provides a more balanced ratio, assigning 40% to “pointless” texts. However, he admits that his moderation is more case-specific. “I do not have someone to send mindless texts to, but I know how that can be,” says Lal.
Sherry Turkle, a psychologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, addresses the problems with this so-called “mindless,” constant communication in her book Alone Together (2010), which she promoted on The Colbert Report in January of last year.
Choosing a laudatory angle, Stephen Colbert argued, “But we get to know each other more through social networking, more through technology… there’s no privacy anymore; we’re all open with each other!” Turkle challenged his statement with the question, “What is intimacy without privacy?”
Senior English major Hannah Garland states that mental privacy is a necessity. “Everyone needs to get to know themselves before they can be a part of a healthy relationship,” she says, “and if that privacy is taken away, there can be no real intimacy.” Garland believes that there are such things as too much truthful information and too much communication. “And in the case of relationships, it can turn into resentment,” Garland adds. “As one half of an intimate relationship that hasn’t gone two years without texting basically the entire day, I can attest to the fact that it is sometimes quite straining.”
Junior neurobiology and physiology major Guy Katz admits that he “knows a great deal” about people thanks to technology. However, he points out that people can only become intimate when they fully trust and feel comfortable with each other. “It is impossible to get to these points without first being in private and personal situations for extended periods of time,” Katz asserts.
Psychologist Sherry Turkle is also the director of the MIT Initiative of Technology and the Self. In The Seattle Times, she points out that “the pressure to answer immediately is quite high” when we’re flooded with constant messages. What may result is an unhealthy attachment – an addiction.
In The Daily Beast, she remarks that “we get a little shot of dopamine every time we make a connection.” Although we are wireless, we are wired in and totally wired; we are hooked on our off-the-hook devices.
In addition, with the ability to respond to each other instantly, our expectations and levels of awareness begin to heighten: now, we can easily detect disruptions and delays. In an otherwise constant stream of messages, they stick out like sore thumbs – and never mind if the delay is due to having sore thumbs.
As Hannah Garland points out, “An extra minute between responses can make the text recipient feel like the other person doesn’t want to talk.”
On the flip side, Garland also notes that people in relationships may feel like their partners are taking advantage of them and selfishly demanding undivided attention. MTV’s A Thin Line campaign delivers the warning that, in the habit of constantly connecting with each other, “the line between staying in touch and keeping tabs gets blurry.”
So, what’s the proposed remedy? Should we cleanse our “communication diet” of text messages? I am no doctor, but my remarkable gut instinct informs me that starvation is just as unhealthy as overindulgence. As always, moderation appears to be a healthy, promising goal to strive for. Detach yourself from your phone; give your significant other some space to be mobile. Time spent alone allows you to maximize and fully appreciate time spent together. Embrace the “wireless-ness” of the world, but don’t cling too tightly.