Detachment is the current way of life; or rather, the ambition of our generation. We put our efforts into society with the distant aim of not being tethered to ground realities, to a point where our efforts towards material gain, or the truths of the world aren’t relevant. However, while we aim for detachment, we can’t help but acknowledge our desires as humans; desires such as validation and emotional anchoring. Most of us anguish in this battle between love and ambition, and victory for either seems to be the death of the other. Why do we want this? Why do we put ourselves through this ordeal of courtship and longing for the sake of a rush of endorphins? Why aren’t we comfortable with a solitudinous existence? I’m here to analyze the need for contact, and why more of us try to squirrel away from it but ultimately fail.
“Falling in love is kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity”. I stole this quote from a film called Her, by Spike Jonze, which chronicles the tale of a man and his journey towards accepting love in its purest form; freedom. The character of Theodore in the film seems to be a product of a dystopian future where he’s aware of concepts such as love and affection (he regularly uses them in his occupation of writing letters of affection or grief for others) but has no way to confront them in his own personal life. When he finally does find a connection in the form of a virtual assistant, he refuses to accept the reality of the situation. He latches on to the first sign of warmth, despite the impracticality. Towards the end, through simple dialogue, Spike Jonze manages to convey how simply letting go and giving himself freedom has changed how he views his life, as he is seen writing for himself for the very first time.
Looking at love through an objective lens, defamiliarizing it, and deconstructing it in our minds makes no sense. Heightened emotions of joy and lust arise purely from things as simple and illogical as mannerisms or the very scent of a person. Sure, biology plays a hand in this, but what differentiates us from say, a deer, is that finding a mate isn’t our sole prerogative, but rather the need for emotional support. We consciously seek out a shoulder to rest, to cry on, to be comforted by. Questioning our need to seek it out may lead to some uncomfortable answers. The need for love stems from nothing but the desire for trust and, ironically, freedom. All of us want something or someone for whom our feelings and emotions are unconditional; to the point where we overlook minor transgressions, in the hopes of holding on to that crackle of warmth.
Yet some feel bound, shackled, at the thought of their self-worth being at the mercy of another individual. They feel that a life of solitude solves the problems of the heart. Once closed off, there won’t be the vulnerability of the soul. The thoughts of the heart stay within and get repressed by the voice in their head, telling them to choose the self over-commitment. Thus, just staying isolated seems like an ideal way of living. Any sort of affection would merely be a hurdle towards latent ambitions of success or peace. The human mind is a wonderful thing and plays its game here by contradicting what we may say we want. Even though this exile of love is voluntary, the dignity and confidence of the heart takes a hit. Our goal is detachment, but the heart yearns for affection; which is only natural I’d say.
What is the current status quo in our generation? We actively seek out relationships and abandon them when we feel that commitment shackles us. The flight response kicks in the moment things go awry; even though this may be something as simple as an extended moment of affection or a step forward. We live on the edge because we have trained ourselves to do so. Self-love and self-worth take a backseat to driving future goals or keeping up with the fast-tracked happenings of this day and age. The stakeholders here, the individual and society, currently live in nuclear branches, with the individual forming his own cocoon, interacting with society whenever the need arises. Society in this context tends to be parasitic, draining the individual of the need for contact, giving them nothing but the scar of anxiety. I’m basically here to say that love, (and relationships) aren’t meant to encumber but are natural and inherently human constructs. The more we run, the more we restrict ourselves, the tighter the noose gets. All these constructs make a lot more sense when we give ourselves enough space to have a clear and crisp train of thought, which provides us with enough freedom to trust, as an individual in society and form these links with other human beings in a much healthier manner.