Sometimes the world doesn’t believe you when you speak out about your abuse. Sometimes leaving your abuser is hard. We condemn partners who can’t leave rather than those who are the root of trauma. Women and men alike fall victim to abuse and its various forms- physical, emotional, and sexual.
Women get abused. Men get abused. I purposefully left out the “too” that often follows the statement, “men get abused.” The word “too” insinuates that the space of victim is for women only and we need to take away from this space. Victims need space to speak freely and to cope. When we rebut that men are victims too, we invalidate the space for women. The space for victims need to be open and assume space for all genders.
While abuse for men can be seen as taboo and not taken seriously as abuse towards women, it is serious, valid, and important to recognize. Men who are victims are seen as weak and often times dismissed, but their voices are important and need to be heard and recognized.
Being a victim, whether you are male or female, comes with an onset of repercussions. If you look at Kesha’s case with Dr. Luke and the women who came out against Bill Cosby, it speaks volumes to our society. While many people stand in solidarity with Kesha and the women sexually assaulted by Bill Cosby, many people view the respective abusers as “innocent until proven guilty” and that it is a mere attempt to ruin their careers.
On February 19th, a New York judge denied Kesha‘s attempt for an injunction against Lukasz “Dr. Luke” Gottwald.
As a victim, you find that remarks such as these are common. That even if you are dealing with trauma and telling the truth, you still are trying to ruin someone’s life, that there’s no proof, that you’re lying, and that you’re exaggerating. Your abuse will be tried to extents unimaginable. Dealing with trauma is hard enough, but then you are pushed to the point where your very own trauma is questionable, only furthering how isolating the experience is. Speaking as a victim is often just a “claim” and using dialogue like this is dismissive in nature. While you can’t always assume people are telling the truth, it seems victims are always assumed to be lying.
Being a victim in the eyes of society can be difficult and stressful, which is why people don’t speak about their trauma after it happens and why you may hear about it years later and why many people find it hard to build up the courage to leave an abusive relationship.
If you are a victim, I want to reassure you that you are not alone, you are not crazy, and you are not anything society tells you you are. You might not even realize some situations you are in are those of abuse. Recognizing it can come after the fact, and that’s something that isn’t always talked about. Just because you weren’t sure it was abuse or not doesn’t immediately mean that it wasn’t. If you think you’re overreacting, it’s normal. If it haunts you weeks, months, and years later, it’s normal and it’s still valid.
But there seems to be a guideline, that abuse looks a certain way and that you have to know and you have to have been fully aware of the situation. Sometimes the only way to cope is to dismiss your trauma to feel accepted by the people around you. Everyone deals with their experiences differently, the way you deal with yours doesn’t make you a bad person. If it is a viable option for you, it is important to seek help and someone who can teach you responsible ways to deal with trauma, and to help you through the exhausting and emotionally taxing process.