Has your heart ever beat so fast for someone? I’m talking about how it feels when your heart is going to burst out of your chest, your eyes are sparkling, and your laugh is brighter when you’re around them? When you loved all the times you’ve forgotten everything that was wrong when you were with them? But then when you leave after a day together, or a weekend together, your mental health gets worse?
Have you ever put your significant other first? Even if you were going through something and you needed help too? That’s okay, that’s normal. What’s not okay is continuously putting yourself second to make your SO come first. You’re human. You’re not perfect and you have your own problems to deal with that you shouldn’t always put on the back-burner. Speaking from experience, your mental health and your problems get worse if you push it back because your SO “needs you more,” and your issues “aren’t as important.” Your issues ARE valid, just remember to compromise in certain situations.
Now, after clarifying, here are some tips on how to prioritize yourself without making your SO feel like they’re not important to you at all.
Tip 1: Think about what your mental health is like when you’re away from your SO. Should it really be like that every time you leave them? Should you really cry yourself to sleep every night because you truly feel like you’re falling apart? Like if they’re not around, it makes it so easy to fall into a hole because you don’t know how to help yourself?
Here’s the answer, and I hope you came to the same one. It’s a no. So once you think about how your mental health is, try your hardest to help yourself. Do something that gives you a feeling of happiness when you’re not around them. Whether it’s reading a book, or listening to music, or playing a sport. Then once you’ve made yourself find some sort of happy feeling, you help yourself figure out how to solve your problems, one by one. Don’t be too harsh on yourself if you can’t solve them overnight. I promise you that the best solutions come when you’re in a better mood than when you’re panicking and crying.
Tip 2: Talk to your SO. I can promise you that most of the time, they want you to talk to them about how you’re feeling. Do you think they don’t know? They can tell the difference between the you that you are when you’re with them and when you’re not. Maybe they don’t want to push you or maybe they feel like if they make you talk about it, you’ll end up running. But what I do know is that they want you to talk to them because they want to be there for you the way you are for them.
If you’re struggling to find the words, or struggling to even be vulnerable in the first place, I want you to do an activity. I want you to write down what you’re struggling to talk about. It doesn’t have to be so in depth, but just write it down. After you finish writing it down, give the piece of paper to your partner. This gives them a base to start asking questions. They will have questions and it’s completely okay if you don’t know how to answer some of them. Just try to the best of your ability. Remember to stay calm and not get frustrated if they’re not getting it right away. As much as they know you, they can’t know everything unless you tell them.
Tip 3: Love yourself. I know, I know, “she says it like it’s that easy.” It’s not. It’s one of the hardest things you will ever do. It’ll start slowly and you won’t see progress for months, maybe even years, but I will tell you, when you finally do, you’ll breathe in like the weight of the world finally fell off your shoulders. Then, when you are finally able to give yourself the love you deserve, it will only make it that much easier to give your SO the love and communication they deserve, too.
If you prioritize yourself when in a relationship, you will end up prioritizing your SO too. They will love you, communicate with you and will try their hardest to accommodate you, as you should for them. Your partner will be happy because you’re happy. You’ll be happy because your partner is happy. Love has always been a two-way street, but sometimes the two-way street isn’t just about loving each other. It’s about loving ourselves enough to give each other the best and the worst parts of you. Love has a broad meaning, but the best love you can give to the others around you is the love that you get from within for yourself. While your partner can help heal you, love has never been about healing each other. Love is about healing yourselves and giving each other the mended pieces so they don’t get hurt from your sharp edges. Don’t try to heal someone at the cost of hurting yourself too.