I’m currently writing this with triggered emotions and a weary mind. I know this isn’t the beginning you usually expect, but I want to be honest and transparent. I want to paint a picture of my current reality. I feel those who don’t really know me, and only know the girl who’s always posting inspiration, spreading love, and speaking on her values and beliefs, think I’m always happy or barely anything goes wrong in my pretty little life. But that’s not true. While I am highly blessed and favored, I do fall and experience trials and tribulations. I am a light, and I try to often be that for others, but my light dims too. For the past few weeks there has been glitches—it’s struggling to stay on. I’ve tried lighting it back up, but this time, the blackouts are remaining dark longer than they should. I’m not okay. And this is temporary because I will bounce back, but I am beat and flustered. School has been draining my happiness. I lost motivation, and my joy has been diminished. You may think it’s not a big deal, but that’s okay because my feelings are still valid. And I know many of you have cried this cry too. This is unusual for me. I’m usually proactive, and school is a breeze. But this time I’ve been challenged, not academically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, which has ultimately affected my performance. I’ve found this untouchable happiness in God, and for the first time in months, it’s been consumed by the pressures and highs and lows of being in university. I am exhausted. I don’t want to do this any longer. I deserve to be free of this needless turmoil. I should be living life to the fullest at every stage of my life. College should not have so much power over me.
Why me? I’ve constantly asked this because I’ve been doing so good and felt so alive and happy lately. It took me forever to feel that happiness. I was scared to lose it. It was the best because even through obstacles, I would embrace resilience and feel perfect peace and joy. But I’ve finally been struck to the point where I’ve lost sight of that happiness. My circumstances have got the best of me. I’ve forgotten that peace is a person—Jesus. I hope it’s just for a while because I cannot afford to be sucked into depression and apathy. That’s not me.
This is not me. And it’s not you either. We’re breaking free. It’s time to find a balance between school and leisure. Your well-being comes first—seriously. Stop putting it on the back burner because one day it’ll burn away, and you’ll be left with a body that happens to still be breathing but only to exist. It’s time we choose us. Not good grades or perfect attendance or flawless papers. Choose you. Do it for you. We all need this.
School is not end all be all. Don’t live to work, work to live. Take a break. Say a prayer. Cry it out. Sing it out. Take a shower or even a bath. Call your favorite person. Listen to your favorite song. Watch a funny show. Play some card games with a sibling or roommate. Smile. Laugh. Breathe. Let the weight lift—liberty. Let go! Come on keep going. Stop allowing ‘being the best’ to hold you back. It’s time. Now call someone and tell them to be free.
We need this. We cannot be wrapped up in “red tape” any longer. It’s sucking the life out of us.
Live. Water your own flowers. They deserve sunshine too. Misery kills when darkness is the only form of light.
In a world where presence is measured by productivity, choose rest. Rest is productive too. Don’t be a slave to school, work, anything! You’re better than that. Have mercy on yourself. Show up for yourself. Don’t sing that sad song any longer because you’re free.
Choose you. Nothing in this life is worth losing yourself over—nothing.
I need you to be better and do better.
This is my message to you.
Love,
Bails.