I can probably count on both hands the number of places I have cried openly in the city of Chicago. I cannot begin to count the number of Amish people who’ve seen me sob on the Amtrak. I am constantly juggling FaceTime dates with study sessions. My roommate knows exactly what Postmates to have waiting for me when I come home from a weekend trip to binge away my heartache. My college experience is intertwined with the complexity of a long-distance relationship, with all the romantic nuanced beauty and ugly crying that comes with it.
I know there are many people who do a much more extreme long-distance. I know that Matthew and I are not special by any means, and that plenty of people do this. I know that we are relatively fortunate in how often we get to be together. In my opinion, the distance and the time apart isn’t what defines this type of relationship as unique, it is the fact that part of myself is always somewhere else and how that’s shaped my college experience.
When I tell most people I am in a long-distance relationship, I find myself having to defend the positives I gain from it. To say that I “love” my long distance relationship would be a lie, but not completely. If that was the basis of the article, my friends would slap me in the face and remind me of all the times I drunkenly call my boyfriend and demand he come cuddle with me from three hours away. Although I by no means love having my partner so far from me, there is a lot to love about the independence and strength I get being on my own. From the very start of my relationship, we were always very independent people, and it feels very natural that we both experience college independently and we have both easily adapted to and thrive being apart.
By no means am I saying that this is an easy, ideal situation for us. Being apart has pushed our relationship to a serious place much quicker than it may have naturally progressed to. When we first started dating, and the discussion of college began to come up, we were both insanely passive about it, as any eighteen year olds would be. If we just ignored the time slipping away, it didn’t seem as real. When I finally did leave for school, we decided that it made the most sense to stay together. We were having fun and liked each other a lot, so we decided whenever things turned sour, that was when we would call it. This was the phrase I had memorized for all the prying family members, and we felt mature and responsible in our choice.
But very quickly, both the physical and emotional distance forced us to examine our future. Was this bitchy human worth a three-hour drive both ways with her parents? For some reason, he thought so. There were many insecurity based fights, and times when both of our commitment has been questioned. My college experience, as normal as it is, is marked with Amtrak trips, countdown apps, and endless FaceTime dates trying to sync our Netflix to play The Office at the same time; and we were forced to examine if all of that was worth it. This was the first lesson we had to learn, that long distance is an investment. No one muddles through this and sinks all of their money on Amtrak tickets because it’s fun, and at some point we passed a threshold where we had to be honest with each other if the pain we were going through being apart was going towards something. During a recent visit, over a few too many bottles of cheap wine, we realized long-distance has made our relationship a commitment to our futures, and as overwhelming a thought that is, it is also the most reassuring aspect of both our lives. Here is a human I am willing to endure so much for, agreeing to do the same for me. This reality of having to think long term about my college experience has done nothing but help me to grow and mature. I have been forced to think about my life in terms past college, and realize what I want my future to look like and how I am willing to work for it now. Being with Matt in a long-distance relationship has made me far more hard-working and driven than I ever would have been without him because it has forced me to think realistically about my future and my goals.
And I get to grow and achieve all of these goals towards our future on my own, for myself. I am building my life by myself, for me; I just happen to have a wonderful cheerleader in Galesburg, Illinois cheering for me and hoping to eventually share the rewards of my hard work with me. I have always been someone who puts a lot of emphasis on the distinction between being completed and complimented in a relationship. Matt is my perfect complement, but God help me if I ever start to think that weird film nerd completes me. Being independent in a relationship is massively important to me, and I am thankful that I can chase the life I want without relying on anyone else. Being apart means that whatever hardships come my way, I face them alone. Matt isn’t around to tackle hardships with me, rather to support me to tackle them alone. I am my strongest when I know he believes in me, not when he helps me.
I know he values our independence as much as I do, and it has been foundational in the growth we have made together. Being able to have the freedom to fully explore ourselves with the unconditional support of each other has shaped us both in fundamental ways. I get to watch the person that I love more than anything go to a school where he has the opportunities to grow more into the person that I love. Every victory he has and every new friendship he makes that grows him, grows him more into the man that I am so in love with. Being at different colleges has helped us to embrace each others differences and truly love each other for who we are at the most basic level. Most people pity me, and assume that I am compromising some part of my college experience for Matt. That I am giving up my best years to sit in a dark room and call him feeling bad for myself. I have never, never, felt like I have ever had to choose between any aspect of my college life and Matt. He is the most incredible addition to it and I am in love with him for so many reasons. I don’t always get to be in love with us as a couple, because we spend so little time together as a couple. I have to be in love with just who he is as a person and what he stands for, and knowing that he is somewhere where he can figure out what that is is worth more to me than being together.
But as beautiful and modern and empowering as all of this sounds, and truly it is, there is no other way for long distance to not be hard as hell. Crying on the L with my suitcase in hand will never get easier. Waking up next to him and realizing I won’t see him for weeks will never not be gut wrenching. The closest, most honest, most fulfilling relationship I have with anyone in my life is with someone hours apart. No matter how confident and independent I am, a part of who I am is always gone until I am reunited with him. I am most myself when we are together, that is just the truth of it, and to be apart from that will always be hard. When I am sobbing on the Amtrak platform, it is never out of fear that we can’t do this or dread for my life apart from him, but because I am saying goodbye to a little part of myself for a while.
My sweet boy has this to say about the whole experience, “there are going to be times where you don’t know if you’re angry at them, you miss them, you’re angry at life, you’re sad about life, you’re sad about them, etc. The toll this can take on your own strength, as well as your relationships strength, can be potentially devastating. You have to keep connected, not just with your own emotions but with your partner’s. If you have a feeling, talk about it, or at least keep them in the know. Ask them if they’re okay, how they’re feeling, how you can help, on a regular basis. Cut out large chunks of time to not just be texting them idly while going throughout your day; actually hear what they’re saying and show them you’re invested even far away.
There is a distinction between codependency and collaboration. It may feel like there’s a part of you missing, but a relationship is the sum of two people. You’re supposed to reflect and offset parts of each other’s personality, kind of like two slightly different shaped mirrors facing each other. Long distance is not a trade-off, it’s not a compromise. Each person is living their own life, just like before. The only difference is that the space between them is bigger. Thus, the trend of support shouldn’t change. Be thankful for what your partner does for you, and ask yourself everyday how you can help them be the best person they can be. Strength is the key, and in a good relationship strength is not in the least a rare commodity.”
Long distance has been, and for the next three and a half years of my life will continue to be, one of the most trying aspects of my life. It is so so so hard, in every way you think it is and more, but is also the most rewarding thing in my life, and I know I speak for both of us when I say we would not change it.