You are inundated with advice about boys, classes, social life, and roommates the minute you announce that you are going to college and will be living on campus! From cautionary tales to success stories, and everywhere in between, those who have had roommates will share their experiences in hopes of enlightening you. However, very rarely are we told advice about what to do when the roommate you are going to be living with is someone with whom you share prior history. Taking it a step further, what do you do when the actions of yourself or the other person turn the living situation sour? Here, I am going to give a few guidelines that can help give you some methods of mediating the situation that honor both persons and their boundaries.
Understand Yourself
Take the time to understand why you feel the way you do in the roommate dynamic and where you may be contributing negatively. This step enables you to have a grounded sense of where you stand in the dynamic and allows for fair communication when the time comes.
Do you feel hurt? Do you feel disrespected? Do you feel smothered? Get specific with identifying your emotions. By getting specific, there is a better chance of the conflict getting resolved.
Another set of questions to ask yourself is where have you contributed to this situation? By asking these questions from a place of self-awareness, you allow yourself to admit where you may have gone wrong. Note that no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes!
Talk to Your Friends
This can be tricky because you do not want to talk bad about the roommate. Instead, your goal should be to gain perspective. Talking to your friends about this person can help you gain an idea of where that person is coming from, learn information about that person you were not aware of and help give you a more contextualized idea of how to handle the situation.
When feelings are hurt and tensions are high, people can lash out and say hurtful things, but this step can help avoid that.
Talk to Them
Yes, this is basic. Yes, it is intuitive. But, sometimes lack of communication is the real issue. If someone is not aware of how their actions are impacting you, how can they fix them? By asking your roommate to coffee or lunch, and discussing certain actions or language they use that upsets you, you open the door for change.
A quick word of advice is when having this conversation, use “I feel” framing. For example, “I feel disrespected when my space or stuff is used without my permission” or “I feel judged when you make comments about [blank].” Using this wording will allow for the person to not be put on the defense and will, instead, put this person in the role of the listener.
Another caveat is to stand your ground by honoring your feelings. If you feel hurt by something someone did, do not let the naivety of their actions allow them to escape taking accountability for how they hurt you. On the same note, do not demand an apology. By talking to them, communicate in the spirit of expressing yourself and resolving the situation.
Explore Housing Options
If your roommate situation becomes unbearable and the person shows no sign of true regret, you may consider switching your roommate situation or implementing more boundaries within the dynamic.
By implementing more boundaries within the roommate dynamic, you can create space and distance, which would help prevent worsening the conflict. However, switching your roommate, if possible, can be greatly beneficial for your mental health and self-esteem.
Regardless, dealing with a tense roommate situation is difficult, and coupled with prior history with that person can make it more painful. At the end of the day, if you are not being respected or heard, making a decision that benefits your mental health and sanity is most important. Having a failed roommate situation is much more common than you may think, and it does not have a negative reflection on you as a person. Sticking two people in a tight space when they are supposed to navigate a brand-new social territory is bound to produce a few difficult situations, and neither roommate should brand the other as a “bad” person. A roommate relationship is just another relationship. Thus, if you are not being respected, remove yourself physically or through boundaries.