By Rachel Nguyen
Author’s note before proceeding! This is an essay I wrote a few years ago, yet it remains the piece of work I will forever be most proud of. It is—essentially—a strongly opinionated debate told from both perspectives, however, the irony and satire is in the fact that the topic is completely irrelevant. In some ways, it’s meant to ridicule how we as humans get worked up over & focus too intently on stuff that doesn’t really matter. In other ways, it’s simply meant to make people laugh. If you feel like you need something light-hearted and fun to distract from the stresses you’re facing, I hope that this essay can help in some sense!
- POV #1
…I just don’t understand. You may know them as those who enjoy pouring their cereal into their milk, but I know them as confused animals. Mindless imbeciles. Stupid idiots who don’t understand the importance of proper cereal preparation. Do they not know the benefits of pouring their milk over their cereal? Do they not know that they are enjoying cereal the incorrect way? Do they not know that their proportions are probably COMPLETELY wrong because they can’t actually see the amount of cereal they’re eating? Those dummies. They don’t understand the horror of their actions. What’s the benefit? Their cereal doesn’t get soggy, I guess. But then their milk doesn’t absorb all of the sugars and flavor that comes from the cereal. They don’t get the sweet remnants when they sip their milk alone. And they’re also missing the whole point of cereal and milk. The milk serves as an accessory to the cereal; it’s there for us when we don’t want to snack on cereal alone. It softens the cereal and makes it a whole new concept. That’s the whole damn thing, and those who pour their milk first are completely missing it. When you pour the cereal in after the milk, it just sinks. And the main precaution of cereal and milk is to not overwhelm the cereal with milk, so how can milk-then-cereal goers accurately achieve this? To put it simply, they can’t. Why? They can’t see the amount of cereal they pour in! They can guess if their amounts are right, but they will never know for sure. Also, does it not irk them when the milk splashes out of the bowl as they pour their cereal in? Those reckless beings, how dare they live their life in such distress?
- POV #2
Some people are just insane. I call them ignorant bigots, cowardly wimps, and annoying lame-o’s, but you probably only see them as those who enjoy pouring milk over their cereal. And maybe they truly believe that they are smart cereal eaters, but their cereal preparation is so incredibly wrong. Like I’m seriously amazed by how wrong they are and how naive they must be to not understand that. Do they not understand that milk and cereal is a carefully crafted process? Do they not understand that this enjoyment of a breakfast food requires constant alertness that will surely benefit them in the end? Do they not understand that pouring the milk first gives complete control over the amount of cereal? Those weirdos. They don’t understand the naivety of their actions. And for what reason? Maybe they prefer soft and soggy cereal and their methods provide them that. But then their milk gets all sweet, which is gross. Who enjoys their milk to be artificially flavored? Freaks, that’s who. Milk is milk, let’s just leave it at that. I also just don’t understand how they keep the milk-to-cereal ratio perfectly balanced. How am I supposed to know how much cereal I want before I have any milk? Pouring the milk first allows me to add in cereal as necessary while maintaining the crunch of the cereal and the purity of the milk. Once I run out of cereal, I can pour more in if I feel like it. I’ll never have to waste any milk either because it will never be contaminated by all the sugars of the cereal. Instead, I can enjoy the bite of crunchy cereal with the cooling taste of milk delicately coating the top of it, creating the most satisfying bite of breakfast ever.