“Guys have it so easy – they just throw on a t-shirt and leave!” I used to wail as I got ready for a night out, wrestling with my straighteners and managing to simultaneously glue my eyes shut with eyelash glue, again.
After years of resentment and believing this myth, my world was rocked when I moved into halls with several members of the emerging “metrosexual” sex. Since the orange faces of “Geordie Shore” and “Towie” hit our screens there has been a quiet revolution brewing behind the closed bedroom doors of the male species. Gone are the days of using bedroom shelves as a purgatory for unwashed cereal bowls, mouldy mugs and loose change. In their place lie towering bottles of fake tan, concealer and hair gel. A peek into metro-man’s bedroom and you could be forgiven for thinking you were backstage on the set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
For years the spotlight in the struggle for equal rights between the sexes has rested upon women, but surely men too have an equal right to cosmetics and freedom of expression? I wanted to know the extent of the hidden lengths these boys go to when getting ready for a night out, so I interviewed a member of this new hyper-tanned species to get the exclusive.
The Metrosexual Guide to a Night Out:
Preparation for a night out can in theory begin up to a week before, using a combination of sunbeds and fake tan to build up the neon “natural glow.” It is useful to team up for this exercise as reaching your back can prove tricky. You’ll want to go to the gym about two hours before you start getting ready. Do not bother with any cardio or real forms of exercise as this will just serve to make you red-cheeked and force you to sweat off the golden tan that you have worked so hard to achieve. Instead your aim is to get the blood pumping to your muscles, so several reps of biceps curls should suffice in ensuring that your body is ready for the next stage – the outfit.
The uniform low-cut t-shirt should be at least two sizes too small to create the “sprayed on” effect and ensure that everyone in the club can see just how defined your muscles are. Baby GAP offer a good selection of sizes. Been slacking at the gym? Not an issue. Three strokes of bronzer around each chest muscle will transform you into a muscular god. Moisturiser, concealer and a spot of foundation will eliminate any undesirable facial blemishes. Top tip from my housemate: sleeking a little moisturiser through your eyebrows will tidy them up and create definition without making you look too feminine.
Next comes the hair. Styling involves a combination of blow-drying, straightening and texture crèmes to deal with pesky fly-away hairs. Achieving the perfect quiff can take up to forty-five minutes and when complete should withstand all extreme weather conditions. A good way to test if your quiff is ready for the world is to throw a coin at it; if it bounces off leaving the quiff unchanged then you are good to go. Once you’re eventually in the club there comes the all-important club photo (a souvenir from the night that serves to remind everyone that you’re a crazy hedonistic socialite.) You may have witnessed these seemingly off-the-cuff photos floating around Facebook, but as I discovered they are actually performed with scientific precision, from the angle of the jaw to the execution of “the point.” This is the art of pointing at your friends whilst simultaneously tensing your bicep, tricep and chest muscles to the point of explosion.
We may be guilty of mocking all this and the emergence of metrosexualism has certainly been met with some criticism. But what harm is it doing? These critics have an issue with the blurring of gender barriers because it means that they do not necessarily have a solid gender role to grab onto for safety. In Florida last year a 14-year-old boy was punished for wearing makeup to school as the teachers found it to be ‘distracting’ and ‘in breach of the dress code.’ This same “dress code” stated that girls were allowed to wear makeup. Concealing a spot with makeup undoubtedly increases self-confidence; why should this privilege be reserved only for women? This new direction in culture means that men are increasingly free to express themselves without facing any stigma. In the words of Macklemore: “No freedom till we’re equal.”
Annalie Coia
Image Source:
1) http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/geordie-shore-sophie-kasaei-axed-2046817
2) https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151877043323815&set=t.514294639&type=3&theater
3) http://www.iqmetrix.com/article/2012/07/retailers-create-man-aisles-cater-male-shoppers