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Maybe you’ve heard of hell, but have you met procrastination? Otherwise known as the ‘supermarket’s own brand’ of suffering. It’s not quite flames and pitchforks, but the sting of failing your degree is nothing to smile at. Whether you’re a straight-A student or hanging on by the skin of your failing biro, all of us have moments when we flee Casa del Motivation in favour of a more exotic retreat. 

This handy guide will let you know exactly which circle of procrastination you truly belong in before booking your next vacay away.

Welcome to the Procrasti-Nation, we hope you enjoy your stay.

Level 0: Bay of Productivity

You’re at your optimal capacity and it’s clear sailing from hereon. You’ll wave your deadlines goodbye at the Harbour of Achieved Dreams and walk off into the sunset. Reap the benefits of our Earlybird package, which includes jogging before 8 am and colour co-ordinated ring binders.

Level 1: Taking a Break Beach

Although you’ve fallen slightly compared to the workaholics on Level 0, it’s not too late to make your ascent. Practising healthy habits and self-care is key to your mental stability during these trying times and this level is perfect for some mindful meditation. Just keep your eye on the horizon; you wouldn’t want to stay here too long…

Level 2: Social Media Spiral

Helter Skelter who? This attraction is far from the slide of childhood dreams and is a slippery slope for that 2.1 you so desperately want to achieve. It starts off as checking facebook and simply answering a message soon becomes a barrage of Technicolor cat videos. Before you know it you’re mindlessly scrolling away the hours, it’s such a shame the examiners don’t speak memes.

Level 3: Cliff-Hanger Country

Talk about Netflix and No-Chill! There’s nothing like stressfully binging a new TV series with a pile of textbooks next to you. You promise yourself it’s just something to keep you occupied over lunch, but four episodes down the line you’re chewing your nails and compulsively clicking ‘Next Episode’. After all, what could be more important in finding out whether your favourite fictional character survives? Spoiler: it’s your essay due tomorrow.

Level 4: Camp Organisation

Sorting through your lecture notes might have started out as a noble endeavour, but when you end up indexing your sock drawer you know you’ve gone too far. Being productive with your procrastination can be useful, it’s true, but if you’re debating whether or not to buy a label maker weeks before the term ends you’ve come to the right place. (The answer is yes of course – it’s half price!)

Level 5: Michelin Star Munching

A must-see for foodies everywhere, our gourmet dining experience lets you indulge in all your favourites. Whether it’s making your way through a family pack of biscuits in one sitting or ordering Chinese for the third time in one week to ‘Treat yo’ Self’, you can be sure you’re headed down a crumb-encrusted path of unproductivity. Suddenly becoming a master baker might make you the favourite of all your flatmates, but even banana bread won’t be able to save you now.

Level 6: Club Socialite

For some people the best way to do nothing is to do it with others. At Club Socialite, we believe that if you’re procrastinating, then your friends should be too. That’s why we have a range of activities on offer, from bar crawls conveniently timed the night before your exam to free coaching sessions on how to do nothing in your flatmate’s room all day. Our first class on not knocking and ignoring pleas of ‘I’m revising’ will be offered at a discounted rate.

Level 7: Planet Spaced-Out

For an out-of-this-world out-of-your-mind experience, blast off from your troubles and live out your dream life in the theatre of your mind. With stunning views of the void and eternal abyss, you’ll be wondering how your bedroom ceiling ever made the cut. Make way for existential dread and thoughts of nothingness as the evening progresses and – Bonus! – you won’t have to suffer the sunrise trapped in this eternal night.

Level 8: 24-Hour-Bonanza

Maybe you’ve done one, two, or all of the above and now the Fear has set in. Buckle up for an all-night JSTOR rave-a-thon with unlimited Red Bull on tap. You probably won’t proofread, but there’s still time to get this done.

Level 9: The Point of No Return

Much like Land’s End you’re faced with a crumbling cliff edge and not much else. The sun is rising behind the blinds, Netflix auto-queue drones on in the background and you surreptitiously wipe your Dorito fingers down the front of your dressing gown. You’ve overstayed your welcome, please don’t come back next year.

Student at Lancaster University studying English Language and Literature
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