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4 Reasons Why I Was Not, Nor Could Have Possibly Been, Responsible For The Assassination of JFK

We’ve all been there. You’ve been at a party, or a crowded restaurant, or a grassy knoll bowling alley and felt like everyone in the room suspects that you were involved in the assassination of the 35th President of the United States of America, John F. Kennedy? I certainly have felt like that. I don’t know why anyone would think that about me, especially considering that I had absolutely nothing to do with it whatsoever. But just in case you were suspicious of me, here are five four things that show I definitely did not murder JFK in Dallas, Texas on November 22nd 1963 at 12:30 pm.

(Image: wikipedia.com

1. I was not alive in 1963.

If you read my birth certificate (which you can’t), you would see that I was born on August 28th 1998. That is over 30 years after this world-changing event took place, and so I could not, in all respect to the space-time continuum, have possibly been there, let alone holding the gun. In the sixth-floor window. This alone should be conclusive evidence that I wasn’t involved, yet I still feel like you vultures are eyeing me up apprehensively from across the bowling alley. So, to clarify:  

2. I do not have, nor have ever had, access to a working Time Machine™.

Time travel, unfortunately for some, has not been invented yet. Yes, I suppose it is technically possible that I am from a far-off future, or some sort of alien world, where the Time Machine™ has been invented by a scientist named Professor Agnes Time, and that I have used said Time Machine™ to execute numerous assassinations, including that of John F. Kennedy, but this is simply not the case. I again refer you back to my birth certificate (which, again, you cannot see) to confirm that I was born in 1998 and have always existed in the present day on this planet.

(Image: thedailyopinion.com)

3. I have no access to a cursed chest of draws full of magic bullets.

And before you ask, neither am I in close acquaintance with any wizards who could send me any such bullets via FedEx. That you are even thinking this as you watch me bowl a handsome spare is both absurd and, quite frankly, insulting. Royal Mail is a far more practical post service than FedEx, and it is far more likely that we would have used that instead. Except that it’s not likely at all, because that’s not what we did. It is ridiculous that you earthlings people could even consider the existence of wizards.  

4. I have always worked at this bowling alley where there is nothing remotely untoward going on at all.

Ever since I, or certainly you, can remember, I have worked here. It is always very busy, and any breaks I get I spend bowling with my co-worker Grand Spell-Weaver Tobias, talking about bowling and other non-assassination related things. It is only us two working here and that has always been the case. And any of you, frequent bowler or police officer, who so regularly ask us what happened to ‘Greg’ and ‘Samantha’, are imagining things. As the only employees, we do not have time to make use of any holiday time we have accumulated, particularly not to travel back to Texas School Book Depository in 1963. (Images: bowlmor.com & halloweencostumes.com)

5. It Wasn’t The Real JFK.  

19 year-old writer from Bristol, studying English Literature and Philosophy at Lancaster University. Just chugging along. Also hey look I make music: www.alexgeorge.bandcamp.com
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