Lafayette’s campus is pretty diverse when it comes to eating options. There are standard dining halls like Marquis, Lower, and Upper, and then there are more laidback, grab-and-go places to get food like Gilbert’s and Simon’s. Wawa isn’t directly on campus, but it is definitely a favorite dining option.
In the few weeks I’ve been on campus, I’ve gotten a good sense of the sex scene here and it’s… well… it’s interesting. Despite this, I have had one good encounter and one bad/mediocre encounter which immediately made me think of Upper (absolute trash) versus Gilbert’s or Wawa (less trash, still not amazing). Most people don’t compare their sexcapades to their food choices but I guess I’m just quirky like that.
Just like good/bad food can make or break a meal, good/bad sex positions can make or break an entire person or the entire sexual experience. It might sound shallow, but we all know it’s true (don’t lie to yourself, sis).
Now, you might not agree with my assertions but there is DEFINITELY the best and worst dining hall, and there are DEFINITELY the best and worst sex positions. I run a Laf meme account as well, so I took a few polls there to find out what dining options people liked the best. I didn’t ask about the sex positions because, well, that’d just be a bit much. Those are all my own opinion. After all this very professional research, I’m here to give you the campus dining options ranked from best to worst with their sex position equivalent.
6. Missionary – Upper Farinon
If you genuinely enjoy Upper, then I’m sorry for this…but the truth is the truth. Upper always smells like over-cooked broccoli, mushy corn, and cabbage water. The food itself is fine, although either too dry or too wet, but some people do choose to eat there over everywhere else. Like missionary, eating at Upper can be fun and enjoyable if you’re with the right person, but most of the time it’s just underwhelming. Subjecting yourself to that monstrosity on a daily basis is a lifestyle.
5. Cowgirl – Simon’s
I guess that this position can be okay sometimes, maybe if you wanna put a little extra work in. That’s how going to Simon’s feels. It’s all the way behind all the main buildings, and you have to walk down into the furthest edge of campus to get to it. I mean, who is going to walk to Simon’s and put all that work in to walk back up afterward when you can just go to Lower and be done with it? With cowgirl, you have to put in a bunch of unnecessary work and things don’t always work out properly and it gets pretty tiring. If I wanted to basically do pulse squats for half an hour I’d go down to the gym. 10/10 just not worth it.
4. Doggy Style – Lower Farinon
There isn’t much to say about Lower other than it takes way WAY too long to get your food, and it always gives you a stomach ache after because of how greasy it is. Lower is basically just heart disease in a chicken tender costume. Doggy style is way too painful and nobody talks about it. On top of that, the whole wrong hole cole is just gonna continue accidentally knocking on your back door. I don’t wanna deal with waiting for food at Lower, and I don’t want to deal with a bruised cervix. Next!
3. G Whiz – Gilbert’s
If you aren’t familiar with G Whiz, it’s basically missionary, but… your legs are elevated/pushed up in some way. Despite being so similar to missionary, you can NOT compare Gilbert’s to Upper. Gilbert’s is pretty good in the morning, and it’s always busy so everything is hot. Once the lunch rush hits, it gets kind of crowded and annoying and at that point you should just go to the Rockwell cafe or Lower. The main issue with Gilbert’s is that it doesn’t have enough variety on the menu. The things that they do offer are great, but if they introduced just a little more it would be perfect (and in my opinion beat out Marquis for the number 2 spot). Like Gilbert’s, G Whiz doesn’t have much variation but if it added just a little more spice to it (like maybe a little lifting-in-the-air action), it’d be perfect. They both hit the (g) spot but need a tiny bit of tweaking.
2. Lap dance – Marquis
I haven’t been to Marquis yet, but when I do go I know it’ll be enjoyable. From what I’ve been told and from the photos I’ve seen (if you don’t know who @laffoodie_fuego is on Instagram, check her out she’s a #1 Marquis supporter), there’s a ton of variety and the food is actually healthier than Lower and tastes better than Gilbert’s. It’s almost the perfect dining hall. This is like the ‘lap dance’ position, because it’s nearly perfect. If you don’t really know what lap dance is, your partner sits forward and you sit in their lap, also facing forward. It’s pretty much the position that an actual lap dance would be in, but you’re both facing in the same direction instead of facing each other. This position works for both hookups and relationship romps in the sack, primarily because if it’s a hook up you don’t have to look at the person that you’re hooking up with, and if it’s a more intimate kind of thing you’ll have a ton of fun giving your partner a dance (and also they can hug you from behind which is just *muah*).
1. Prone Bone – Wawa
I might be biased in this ranking (some argued that Marquis belongs at 1 instead of Wawa) but I’m a Pennsylvania gal and Wawa is near and dear to my heart. It’s always amazing, and it hits my soul in ways that I can’t even describe. It doesn’t require me to do much of anything, and I always get hot and fresh food and am left 100% satisfied. With prone bone (named because you’re lying in the prone position and getting boned, ya know?) I’m always left satisfied and I can literally just be the lazy girl that I am. It doesn’t require the other person to do much of anything at all either since they’re practically just lying down on your back and moving from the waist down. Fun for both parties, minimal effort, and leaves you feeling like you just had a Peach-Mango smoothie from Wawa at 1:30 in the morning after being cramped in a hot and sweaty room for 2 hours.