*TRIGGER WARNING* Domestic abuse, assault and battery. While the events and details of this article are based on true events in the author’s life, names of characters have been changed or withheld for privacy.
Domestic violence affects 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men, as reported by the Bureau of Justice Statistics. If you have been a victim of abuse, you are not alone. You are loved and perfect just the way you are, no matter what. There are many resources and people out in the world to support you with your journey forward. Withins Berk County (where Kutztown is located) is the program SAFE Berks, which handles protection orders for a variety of issues, has response teams for sexual assault victims, and offers campus legal support. If you are on campus and need support as a survivor, including assistance with title XI and campus proceedings, you can also reach out for legal help. Visit the website or text SAFE BERKS to 20121.
If you have not been a victim of abuse, someone you know has. There is no linear way in which you can chart the after effects of abuse on someone’s life or their mental health, and recovery occurs at different speeds for everyone. *TRIGGER WARNING*
It was 9:30pm when I got the call. My caller ID flashed KATHERINE<3 on my phone for no more than 2 seconds before I picked up. A pit grew in my stomach as I readied myself mentally to “do what needed to be done” before I had even heard my best friend's voice. It was small, like her, sounding so far away and inside my own head at the same time. Her voice wavered, straining to stay together while she was breaking apart. I don’t remember what she said, the words meaning nothing once I realized why she was calling. They had got into a fight again. Over the summer she’d mentioned a few fights with her husband, or him telling her he’d take off his ring forever as an ultimatum for something dumb. That had been a lot for her to admit as she never previously talked about him much, not in regards to them as a couple at least. Tonight was different. Her voice eventually cracked, the tears came hard, and she said the words I’d needed to hear before I could breathe,
“I think I need to leave.”
She didn’t get much out after that because a loud voice came into the background, screaming unintelligible words as Katherine began what sounded like a chant, saying “I told you to get away from me. I told you to GET away from me! Go, get out!”. And then her loud breathing filled my ear, matching my own pounding heart.
Once alone, it eventually came out that during the fight he had grabbed her, not for the first time, and dragged her through the apartment. The cause of the fight was irrelevant but hearing this information felt like an affirmation rather than a shock. All the uncomfortable situations I had been in around her husband shone with a clarity I hated that I had. Seeing her name on my phone had struck a chord in me that this was a night when things would change irrevocably, and with the information I had now, I knew neither of our lives would be the same. Taking a deep breath to keep from shaking, I maintained as calm a voice as I could to tell her, “If you’re going to leave, you have to leave tonight. If you can make it here we have a bed and a room that’s yours.”
Neither of us thought we would ever be in this situation in any form, and navigating this chapter of her life alongside her has given me insight into the intricate, day by day after effects of manipulation that occurs. More than once she has turned to me, astonished, as a light clicks in her head that the way she’s done a simple task like making coffee was affected by his overbearing presence and persistance on being “right.” Many of my interactions with this guy had ended with me not speaking around him, because he always made me feel dumb, even when I knew I was right. A few days after Katherine moved in I thought of this and imagined living with that feeling every day.
I understood enough of his bad energy to not get too involved in a conversation and to not hang out at their place when he was around. I had no idea that the bad vibes I got from him had any justification; like any manipulator he seemed charming and easy-going on the surface. I feared saying anything to Katherine in worry of driving her away from me. She had dealt with people in the past talking smack on her husband, then boyfriend, and without any actual evidence I didn’t want to just become another naysayer. Although I didn’t know what was happening at home, their relationship dynamic was taking a toll on our friendship.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 20 people every minute are physically abused by an intimate partner, which equates to over 10 million men and women a year. That makes my best friend literally 1 in 10 million, but she is irreplaceable to me. I knew as soon as she got off the phone to pack that I wouldn’t wait longer than 20 minutes to call her. I was terrified to be off the phone with her, because the scenarios I imagined happening were unacceptable. Would he manage to gaslight her one more time, enough to convince her to stay? Or would she be adamant to leave and he would decide to put himself in her way to cause a physical altercation? Both options were equally terrifying resulting in me calling over 12 times through the course of the night. I walked her through various stages of packing and several side plans if her car decided not to make it the hour and a half drive, thankfully without any more screaming interruptions. Between phone calls my boyfriend and I rushed around the house cleaning out the spare room, moving furniture inside, and gathering all extra blankets and pillows we could find to cover the futon with comfort items. He kept repeating how important it was for her to have a space where she felt safe above all, and my heart ached for the ease with which he had jumped in to help support a woman he barely knew. By midnight when I called she was in the car emotionally recovering from the confrontation that had occurred when she tried to walk out with her bags. I stayed on the phone with her the whole drive, her crappy car that had broken down driving a block away before just managed to stay alive for the trip, and she showed up in town little before 2 am. I don’t doubt in any small way that a miracle happened that night.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, but there is no easy way to talk about abuse and the marks it leaves. There is still so much to be done in order for her to separate fully from her soon to be ex. A hearing is set for this upcoming Tuesday in order to determine the permanent filing of Protection from Abuse, Pennsylvania’s equivalent to a restraining order. The effect of the PFA keeps him from contacting her, or being around the next time she returns for possessions. In order to get all of her rightful possessions she must also file for divorce, which will take up to 90 days at minimum, more if he does anything in the meantime to disrupt the process. There is no immediate action to be taken however to grant her what she misses most, her therapy cat, Bella. Animals are considered joint possessions for spouses, and although all paperwork is in Katherine’s name it does not guarantee she will be granted ownership by default. Aside from this upsetting complication, Katherine expressed that leaving truly was the hardest part, and the steps to collect belongings, file her PFA, and even attend this hearing are nothing compared to the night she finally walked over the threshold and out into the world.